2:13 pm - Thurs 6.20.2013
Thank You Mr G.

It's funny - At the same time I'm bemoaning losing two WW meetings (due to lackluster attendance), I catch myself thinking, "I really don't want to go to work today...".

But anyway...

Was surprised and saddened yesterday by the news that James Gandolfini had died.

Beyond the fact that I enjoyed his work immensely, as a fellow character actor, he gave me hope - he knocked around for years in small character parts, but when it was time for him to really "get his shot", he stepped up, and hit it out of the ballpark.

And suddenly, the whole world knew this guy was a force to be reckoned with as an actor.

His story was inspiring. It renewed my faith in the idea that, if you put yourself out there and had something unique to offer, something amazing could happen.

Thanks Mr G...

But that anger is dwarfed by the anger I direct inward - I'm absolutely furious with myself, pretty much all the time.

And I always have been, as long as I can remember.

I'm not sure whether it's the "UR-problem" of my life - the problem that all other problems spring from - but it certainly could be.

I don't think anyone "put that on me", per se, I think I just decided at some point, really early on, that "I'm the problem".

And, so far, I haven't come up with much in the way of a solution.

It's been hard for me to admire myself on that front, cause it took me twenty years to find the balls to take that chance, and now that I have, I perpetually feel like I'm not doing it right/I'm not trying hard enough.

And it's been terribly disappointing to me that taking that chance hasn't seemed to make me any less risk-averse in other areas of my life (Or even when it comes to taking additional "chances" in terms of my career).

But I read something recently that I hope will help me take a few more chances in life - Basically, it suggests making the clear distinction, when contemplating a "risk", between "Is is scary?" and "Is it dangerous?".

Most of the "risks" I contemplate taking in life are not dangerous (I'm not likely to die or be seriously injured, for example, if I do an open-mic somewhere. Or if I have to do something in a scene I find embarrassing or uncomfortable).

I do think consciously asking myself that question might help me be less risk-averse - If the only thing that might be "damaged" by taking a chance is my ego, that might be a chance worth taking.

I told myself I didn't have to "go on", that I could just "check it out", but I was still really nervous, for whatever reason.

But when I found the place - on Sunset, about a block past LaBrea - it was so dead that they closed up shop a minute after I got there.

This was a place where you actually have to pay them $5 to go on...which would typically bother me, but in this circumstance, I can see an upside - When you're up there, you can think to yourself, "I can do/say whatever I want - I'm paying for it, after all!".

The walls were lined with 8x10s of former performers at the venue, and one picture in particular really intrigued me - It was a waist-up shot of a bare-breasted woman.

She wasn't gorgeous, but she was pretty, and the breasts in question were, in my own estimation, quite nice.

Looking at the picture, I had a hard time imagining that anything she would have to say as a stand-up, any joke she might deliver, could trump the fact that she was performing in front of people with no top on.

But it made me think she must have been doing something more along the lines of "performance art" than straight-ahead stand-up...and that being the case, I again saw an "upside" - If what I contemplate doing has more of a "storytelling" feel to it, and less of a "stand-up" feel to it, that might be okay, cause this seems to be a venue where the "offbeat" (Like women performing with no shirts on) is acceptable.

Anyway, I gave myself an A for "effort" that night, just for getting myself there.

But now I have to go back sometime...

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