12:30 am - Weds 3.24.2010
The Neediest Boy In The World

(Once again, there's a lot going on in my giant head, and this time, I'm going to try to get to as much of it as I can...)

I'm doing now what I should have been doing while the health-care reform debate was going on - Reading up on exactly what the reforms are and how they're going to affect me.

(From what I've read so far, it all sounds good...but feel free to give me the business, any Republican readers out there, if/when I squawk over having to buy health insurance...but I don't think I'll be \"squawking\", cause being a 48 year old man with no health insurance is not a good thing to be.)

It's also been (kinda) interesting to read opinions on what will or won't happen come election time, as a result of the bill's passing (Of course, I hope Obama and the Democrats will be rewarded for their efforts...but I guess time, and the electorate, will tell).

(I thought this was odd - as I was working on getting headshots out to Sharon today, I found, in the middle of the stack, two headshots of someone else - A somewhat androgynous-looking young actress by the name of \"Emily\". Makes me wonder if she's writing about sending headshots out and finding two pictures of an odd-looking, but strangely sexy, middle-aged character actor in the middle of the stack...)

But speaking of casting...

This is kind of weird - I've had three auditions so far this month (The third - a commercial audition for Chik-Fil-A - is tomorrow afternoon), and all three have been from the same casting agency (Kathy Knowles in Santa Monica).

(It's nice that they like me...but isn't anyone else doing anything? And if so, why doesn't anyone else like me?)

Disappointing that I didn't book either of those callbacks (For Land Rover or Bing), so I'm really wanting to put one in the \"win\" column again - for the money, of course (That's always an issue), but also to just have a career thing to feel good about.

And it would be nice if something would start happening again theatrically. I haven't had a tv audition in a month-and-a-half.

I say this all the time, but I say it because it's true - dealing with rejection is not nearly as bad as dealing with nothing happening at all (At least on the acting front...).

(And I know I just wrote about that agency email, all about how crappy \"pilot season\" was going to be for unknowns - But I didn't realize the crappy \"trickle down\" was going to trickle-down so fast...!)

This is not the outing with the \"polyamorous\" woman (That's happening Monday night, having been postponed from yesterday. But more on that momentarily); this is another woman - Karen - who liked my profile and sent me a message.

She's older (58), which to be quite honest, I find troublesome (I know it's \"sexist\" of me, or \"age-ist\", or both...but there it is).

But just like I didn't want to nix Liz because of the \"open marriage\" thing (Because maybe she'll turn out to be smart and funny and we can be friends), I don't want to rule out Karen on the basis of her age, because...well, basically because I think at this point, anyone who indicates an interest in me should at least be considered.

She lives in West Hollywood - Yay! - so we're going to the French Market (Where I had my last \"date\") and will decide whether we're eating or just having drinks when we get there (We spoke briefly on the phone earlier today. She seemed nice enough, though she was clearly nervous).

I also spoke on the phone with Liz for the first time, kind of at the suggestion of my therapist, and also somewhat prompted by concerns of a couple of friends on Facebook (Who were afraid I might end up being met by a jealous husband who thinks he's in a monogamous relationship instead of a \"polyamorous\" wife).

We didn't talk very long, but it was pleasant - We solidified that I'm not looking for \"that kind of relationship\" (And she's not looking for that from me), and that her husband was not going to shoot me in the parking lot of \"House of Pies\" (Where we're meeting) - She actually gave me his email and cell number, which I told her could lead to \"one of the odder conversations I've ever had\".

Since neither of these women are exactly what I'm looking for (i.e. an attractive woman my age who is not in a \"polyamorous\" relationship), my expectations are pretty low - Which is maybe a good way to \"test the waters\" here.

Going in, I wasn't sure why I was doing it, beyond both Javier (My former therapist) and Bette (My current therapist) suggesting it.

And I think that's been a bit of a problem - If you don't know what you want from a situation, how will you ever know when you're getting it?

Well, I can't lay out everything that has or hasn't happened for me in group over the past couple months (Cause I should have been in bed a half-hour ago), but last night I had a little bit of an \"episode\" when Tobin (The leader, who's leaving after next week) referred to me as expressing a lot of \"neediness\" in my interactions in the group.

The more I think about this, the more I realize it needs its own entry...but long story short, I was very wounded and upset by the comment, and got (relatively) loud and combative in expressing my displeasure.

What upset me so much, I think, is that I thought I was being told that I was \"making everything about me\", which I very strongly felt was not the case. I think I've made a real effort to listen and comment when appropriate, and am looking to be helpful, and am not just waiting for the discussion to turn to me...or to wrench it in that direction on the slightest pretext.

That's how I was thinking of \"needy\". As basically a synonym for \"selfish\".

But that wasn't what he'd meant - He was talking more about how, when I \"share\" with someone in the group, I apparently steal glances at him, and at other members of the group, I guess as if to say, \"How am I doing? Is this all right?\" (Maybe hoping they'll all see just how smart I am?).

He called me out on something that isn't exactly a secret - I'm a lonely, \"needy\" guy - but I thought I had a \"handle\" on it, and I felt embarrassed to be told I didn't have as good a handle on it as I thought.

And my temper flared - I would say I've expressed more overt anger than anyone in the group so far - and after the fact, the episode left me worried that \"the group\" might start to \"shut down\" around me...for fear of \"setting me off\" (Which is now something I'll be bringing up at the next session).

It's not really shocking that I might have an over-sized need for approval...but I feel a little humiliated that I can't seem to keep that need contained - Not only can I \"not keep that need contained\", I don't even completely realize it's being expressed.

But like I said, this is the kind of thing that warrants its own entry, and I have to get to bed - I've got a Chik-Fil-A commercial to book tomorrow...

previous - next