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10:04 am - Thurs 7.18.2013
Thanks To The Internet, It Never Seems Like I'm Alone. But I AM.

Thanks To The Internet, I'm Never Alone It Never SEEMS Like I'm Alone. But I AM

(Weds Night)

In an earlier attempt at this entry, I started by saying "I tend to avoid writing when 'there's nothing going on', and that's the time I really should be writing".

Or words to the effect.

What I meant by that was it would be interesting to see what comes out when I'm not just recounting what's going on in my day-to-day life.

Maybe I avoid it because I'm afraid nothing will come out.

Or maybe I'm afraid of what would.

In any case, in terms of my personal life, "nothing" continues to be the answer to "What's going on?".

Haven't had an audition of any kind so far this month - and only had one last month - the attendance at WW meetings continues to be lackluster (Meaning I haven't worked the two meetings where I'm the 2nd receptionist - on Friday and Sunday mornings - in weeks), and after a brief time back in the area (Returning from a business trip), the woman I'm kinda/sorta seeing is once again out-of-state, visiting family.


Nothing's going on.

In my immediate world, anyway; in the world-at-large, The George Zimmerman verdict in Florida has "stirred things up" a bit.

(This is the point where I wonder "Should I explain this in great detail, on the off chance someone reading this in the future won't know the reference?". But anyone "reading this in the future" seems really unlikely...but if you are reading this, Person-From-The-Future? It was something that happened before your generation eliminated racism and senseless violence from society.)

I didn't follow the case, in part, because I think it's unseemly to make this sort of thing just one more reality tv show

But the verdict, and a good portion of the response to it, has been very depressing; to my way of thinking, there can be disagreement about what happened and the verdict, but the fact that an innocent young person died is a tragedy, not something to be celebrated.

And some folks are pretty much celebrating, like this is a sporting event, and their "team" won.

It has me feeling very discouraged about humanity right now...or at least a certain section of it.

The Zimmerman "Not Guilty" verdict just adds to a larger general sense of "things going wrong", in my mind, in the country at large - SCOTUS gutting the Voting Rights act (With a resulting rush to suppress the vote in a number of states), the attack on women's reproductive rights, the pushback against SCOTUS's verdict on DOMA and California's Prop 8, the "Stand Your Ground" insanity in something like 30 states, ongoing Republican obstructionism in Congress, etc.

In the last national election, the Democrats won the White House, the Senate, and picked up seats in the House (And would have a majority in the House if not for gerrymandering).

So why does it feel like we're losing?


Thurs (1:20 pm)

(Doing laundry...)

So, between what's going on in my body - and in my head - what's not going on in my immediate world, and what's going on in the country as a whole, I'm struggling with a fair amount of anxiety and depression.

Which (kind of) leads me to the Internet (And to Facebook in particular).

I am flat-out addicted to the Internet (And to Facebook in particular).

How do I know this? Because yesterday I had a heart-to-heart with myself about how the Internet (Facebook in particular) is adding to my anxiety and depression - not to mention taking up the lion's-share of my "down-time" (Time that could be spent working on my career, reading, playing music, doing this, etc) - and today I've been on it just as much as ever (I can't write this entry, for example, without stopping to check in on Facebook every other minute).


And the answer for why the Internet (And Facebook) is so compelling, even if/when it also makes me feel stressed and anxious, is that I fear the "alternative" is to feel bored, "disconnected", and ultimately, alone.

But that's the point, really - The Interest/Facebook is preventing me from being alone (Or at least feeling alone), so I never have to grapple with it, work through it, and come out "on the other side" the better for it.

And as I've said, with a constant diet of easy, virtually constant Internet distraction from my loneliness, I don't read, I don't work on my talents, I don't get anything done (My apartment's a constant pigsty), I don't exercise like I should, I don't do this nearly as much as I used to, etc.

The Internet's pretty great. It is. Ditto for Facebook (Data-mining concerns aside).

But there are a lot of things I think are "pretty great" that I shouldn't make a constant diet of (Like BK Whoppers, for example).

What do they say - "The first step to getting better is realizing you have a problem"?

Well, I have a problem.

("Hi, my name is Jim, and I'm an Internet addict...")


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