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9:18 AM - 09.26.19

I Am Not On A Deadline

(Liked how that "setting a timer" thing worked yesterday - and using the Google Nest as a timer feels different somehow than just setting an alarm on my phone - so doing it again. I also did it for an hour of "instrument time" last night, so I think it may generally become a "thing" to help me stay on track. But anyway...)

Well, not exactly sure what I thought would happen after I wrote that last entry, but the response was pretty muted - I've had a few people message me encouragement, and a few others complimented the honesty/"bravery" of the entry itself, and that was pretty much it.

In other words, the world didn't end because I admitted something embarrassing about myself (Perhaps because I admitted it to maybe 10 people - I have no idea how many people read this crap, but I can't imagine it's of great interest to the multitudes).

(Jane opined that perhaps people don't really know how to respond to something like that, asking if that was the first time I was bringing the issue up in Diaryland - It wasn't, but it's been a while, and I don't think I laid it out in this detail.)


Yesterday afternoon I found out why the morning's TV callback was canceled; it was because the show itself had fallen through (It was going to be on Hulu, but apparently "creative differences" between Hulu and the show producers just couldn't be worked out, show).

So I don't know what happens next...but probably nothing. The producers can shop the show around to other places but even if they get a taker, I dont' know that the same casting people will be handling it.

A disappointing development. But I'm going to hold on to one small "ray of sunshine" here - A self-tape (Which as I've said, I'm not fond of doing, in part because I've never had any success with them) was good enough that casting folks looked at it and said, "Yeah, let's bring this guy in".
And that gives me hope I'll actually book off one someday.

(Technically, I already have - I did a self-tape for Bosch, which I booked - but since that was being directed by a former Shameless director, it doesn't feel like it "counts".)

Speaking of Shameless, I'm shooting episode #9 a week from today. and it looks like I'm on for 10 and 11 as well (I was officially "pinned" for 10, and 11 was a "probably that one too" afterthought).

I was happy to get that news, don't get me wrong - I want to be in as many episodes as possible, just because - but I didn't spend very much time there in "Happyland" before wondering if/worrying about whether I would also be in #12 (The last episode of the season, directed by the Big Man himself, John Wells).

That's a tendency I have - even when happy, to look for the thing to be anxious and unhappy about - a tendency Jane Z. refers to as "seeing the black spot on the white piece of paper".

It also speaks to a constant anxiety about the future - "Okay, things are good now...but what about tomorrow/next month/next year?" - which has made it a struggle for me to really appreciate and be happy about whatever's happening in the here-and-now.

So I will say it here - Very cool that I will likely, as of episode #11, be in ten out of eleven episodes of Season 10.

And if I'm not in #12? Well, that will be disappointing - I like being in the last episode of the season, and I like being directed by John Wells (Though I'm pretty close to invisible to him, really, with all he's got going on at any given time) - but 10 out of 12 episodes still isn't bad.

(For reference: I was in one episode the first season. And I don't think it was till season six that I started appearing in more than half the episodes. So 10-out-of-12 is nothing to sneeze at. In fact, it's something to be rather proud of.)

Have I mentioned already that I heard Macy talking on-set about how he's contracted for just one more season?

It was an alarming thing to hear - I remember being fearful when I heard Emmy Rossum was leaving, but Macy deciding he's out is pretty much the end of the show (Fantasies about an Alibi Room sitcom starring Kev and Vee notwithstanding) - but personally, I don't think he's ready to be done just yet (And he did mention "negotiations", come to think of it, which I don't think someone does when they've decided to walk away).

But the day is coming.


(One Hour Alarm just went off...)

Well, I've been feeling like work on the documentary is "on haitus" till next year, but we're actually going to do a little something coming up soon (More photos, a little more interview stuff. Nothing too arduous, I don't think).

We had a conversation recently about how there's not really a "deadline" per se with the documentary (At least not at this juncture - One may form at some point for Jane if she wants to get in this or that important film-festival next year).

And while that's true - What's the "hard deadline" on my end, where it has to be done by such-and-such a date? - the conversation depressed me somehow.

I guess while there's no reason it has to be done sooner rather than later, I want it be. Which perhaps speaks to my experiences/expectations as a performer - When I was doing community theater in Lansing, I rehearsed for maybe five weeks, then did the show, and with Shameless, I shoot for five months or so, then the show starts airing.

So I'm not used to there not being a deadline. This is more akin to a movie, and a movie no one is really waiting for.

This isn't a situation where I'm "bored" and want to move on; I think it's more that I'm anxious - "What is this thing we're doing? And how's it going to be received?" - which is a problem, because even under the best circumstances, this thing is a long way from being a completed film.

I also feel - weird? anxious? some other word I can't come up with at the moment? - about the constant drumbeat of publicity/social media.

I'm not an idiot - I know it has to be done - but there's something about constantly hawking a thing that is nowhere near done, that has no deadline for being done, that I don't know if/when people will ever be able to see it, that makes me...uncomfortable.

I'm not sure what troubles me here, exactly - Am I afraid we're going to become "The Boy Who Cried 'Documentary'"? Do I want to know we have a quality piece of merchandise before selling the idea of our quality piece of merchandise?


But I have no idea how publicity works. My suspicion, in this instance, is that all our PR/social media will eventually become visual wallpaper, but will still have made enough of an impression that when we actually have a thing to sell, people will say, "Oh yeah! That thing - It's actually out now! Good for them!"

(I know my thinking on this is flawed - I'm in a business where you have to "sell yourself" or else no one knows you exist, while I just want to sit in my room and have people send exciting offers my way - but it is the thinking I currently struggle with.)

And now I'm starting to bore myself, so I'm going to...not do this anymore.

Till next time...


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