11:15 am - Sat 1/19/02
To quote William Goldman, \"Nobody knows anything\"
(This entry, and the last two entries, really feel to me like they should be one GIANT entry; Each time I've written lately, I've felt like I've stopped before I was DONE.)

Recently, Susan D. e-mailed me, to let me know that she'd be in California to attend an agricultural conference, and would I like to get together at some point? (Susan is someone I know from Lansing, and more particularly, through the Civic Players. She was president of the board for the past couple years, and is still on the board, though she's stepped down as president.)

So Wednesday night, she and a friend/coworker/assistant (Whose name I've forgotten), stopped by work, and after hanging out awhile, waiting for me to get off, we had very LARGE desserts at the Grand Lux Cafe.

To be honest, I was kind of nervous--I don't feel like I really KNOW Susan that well, and I didn't know if we'd have anything to say to each other.

But you know what? It was fine. It was FUN, and we didn't seem to lack for conversational topics; We talked about the conference, we talked about my "issues" and experiences out here in LA, we talked about Lansing theater (And the "Breaking the Code" controversy; The gay-themed show was a little too MUCH for Lansing Catholic Central, so they invited the Civic Players to do it somewhere else), and I didn't feel any of the awkwardness I'd worried about.

(I think one thing I need to get over is feeling pressured to ENTERTAIN people in social situations. I don't want people to be BORED when they talk to me, of course, but it also doesn't have to be "The Jim Hoffmaster Show" every time I have a conversation with someone. I can probably just TALK to people and that'll be FINE.)

Susan came bearing gifts, which was very unexpected and very nice--Some newspaper articles from Lansing, some peanut butter fudge (Which unexpectedly brought back ancient childhood memories), a loaf of sourdough bread, and a card, that I didn't open till I got home, with $25 inside.

Thank you Susan!

This experience has made me think, once again, about something that's been playing in my mind a lot lately--I don't always KNOW where my help, where my encouragement, is going to come from.

I thought I'd be hearing from people in Lansing that I haven't heard a peep from, while other people from back home, that I knew but wouldn't have thought of as "friends", have emerged to become bonafide "correspondents" that I truly enjoy.

I thought Chris S. would be my "go-to guy" out here, while Cary and Kay would initially be excited about my being here, then forget about me.

but Cary and Kay have turned out to be a real source of friendship and support, while Chris and I exchange infrequent e-mails, threatening to "get together sometime", which we never do.

The lesson here? I should stop trying to predict the future, because I STINK at it.

Like I was saying yesterday, I don't KNOW what's going to happen. And I think that's important for me to drill into my brain--I seem to be good at envisioning "gloom and doom" scenarios, and letting those scenarios stop me from doing what I want to do in life, but I haven't shown any particular special ability for predicting the future.

At one point, I assumed I would have a wife and kids and an acting career by now. I used to just expect there would be a straight line from school to acting to marriage and kids and happily-ever-after.

I don't know if I REALLY thought this was the case, but for years, a running personal joke was the Magic 8-Ball predicting I wouldn't make it to 40 (Years ago, I worked for a time at a restaurant in Lansing called The Sensuous Bean. They had a Magic 8-Ball there, and it predicted my demise by age 40 a pretty high percentage of the time when I'd ask).

I'll be 41 in May.

I assumed Beth R. was "the one". Then I assumed Beth N. was "the one".

Who KNOWS what's going to happen? I worry about Mark and Jane, but who knows?--Maybe a building falls on me here, and I die before either of them. Maybe Jane develops cancer of the everything, and Mark outlives both of us. Maybe modern technology progresses further and further in years to come, and NONE of us die.

Maybe I do my best out here, and I end up getting what I want and THEN some. Maybe I do my best out here, and something happens that I would NEVER have expected. Maybe I do my best out here, and not much happens, beyond my knowing I "gave it a shot" (And I go back to Lansing and become a pretentious blowhard because I lived in LA for ten minutes once. That sort of thing can happen).

Maybe I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. Maybe not. Maybe I'll pull a "Tony Randall" and have kids when I'm in my 70s (That seems kind of gross and unfair to the child, at least from my current perspective; When I'm in my 70s, if I make it that long, I imagine my perspective on that might CHANGE a bit. But again, who KNOWS?).

The point to all this is that I have to get over the idea that I can "control and predict" ANYTHING. There's no way for me to know how anything is going to play out, from now till I make my exit.

My obligation--To God? To the Universe? To Myself?--is simply to throw things out there. To do what I can do, to do the best I can do, to be open and hopeful, then deal with what happens when it happens.

I used my "office" for the first time yesterday. During the day, I paid some bills, and last night I did mailings for five student films (I think a lot about doing theater--because I LIKE it, and I also need to have people see me ACT--but another big concern of mine is that I have virtually NO "on camera" experience. And it would be nice to have a "reel" I could show people when the time comes).

I know it'll come with doing it more, but I need to figure out ways to be more EFFICIENT when I'm working; It took me all evening to get those five mailings together.

Part of the problem was that I was having difficulties with the Backstage website, but it was also just me not working very well; I was going back and forth all night, from the computer to my "office", instead of doing all the work I needed to do at the computer, then moving over to the "office" to do the mailings all at one time.

And speaking of mailings, it struck me that that mailings are a pricey propositions. Sending out those five headshots cost over $5, between the postage and the envelopes (I'm not factoring in the cost of the pictures and resumes themselves, because I'm too lazy to do the math).

But it costs what it costs. I'll do what I can do, and I'm sure the means will become available.

And you know what? NOW I think I'm done.

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