9:25 pm - Fri 6.03.2011
Just finished watching Friday Night Lights - for my money, one of the best shows that's ever been on tv (And happily, tonight's episode was one I hadn't seen before). But anyway...
In my last entry, I wrote about having an "I just called to talk" relationship with a few people.
But I don't, really; There are people I can call if I need to talk to someone, but no one ever calls me "just to talk"...which is definitely on my list of "Reasons I Think My Life Has Gone Terribly Wrong".
It took awhile, but on Tuesday, I finally "pulled the trigger" on getting myself a birthday present, and bought a docking station for my mp3 player (The one I had - that I bought at Staples for $10 - only ran on batteries, was underpowered, and had no radio).
I'd looked at one at Target that was about $90, so when I got a $50 Target g.c. from Jane, amongst other birthday goodies, I thought I'd use it to defray the cost of said docking station.
But I've been feeling a rising tide of "fiscal anxiety" of late, and decided instead to buy a cheaper one (Happily, I found what seemed to be a decent one for exactly $50).
So really, Jane bought me a docking station for my mp3 player (Thanks Jane!).
The point of getting an mp3 player and docking station was to help motivate me to do more cleaning up around the apartment, the reasoning being "If I've got all my favorite music playing continuously, maybe doing dishes and vacuuming and whatnot will seem like less of a chore".
I've currently got 16 or 17 cds loaded on the player - which I've enjoyed while riding my bike and doing laundry, and a couple times at the grocery store - but as of this writing, the apartment is not appreciably cleaner...but I just bought the docking station on Tuesday, so I'm adopting a "wait and see" attitude for now.
When I talked to Kevin on my birthday, one of the things I remember talking to him about was not seeing much "advantage" in getting older.
And I really don't - aging seems to be pretty much continual loss, as far as I can see, till you get to the biggest "loss" of all, death.
The one thing I did think was a potential "advantage" was getting to an age where you don't really care much about what people think of you, where you can say what you think and be who you are because, really, who gives a fuck?
I'm not completely there yet, but I'm starting to be able to see "there" from where I'm standing.
Found myself thinking recently that "No one's looking to make an ugly 50-year-old man a star".
I almost put that up as a "status update" on Facebook - I was going to put a "positive spin" on it by adding, "...so it's going to be all the more amazing when it happens".
But I didn't...because I wasn't really feeling it - the positive "addendum" to that negative statement would have been me "pandering to the audience", saying what I think people want to hear, which is depressive me "turning that frown upside-down" and "making lemons into lemonade"
Don't get me wrong, I want to make "lemonade" out of the "lemons" in my mind.
But that's not where I'm at - I'm frustrated, and scared. I don't know how things are going to get any better, and I'm terrified that they're going to get worse.
I don't know how to make this go any better than it's going, and it has to start going better than it's going, or I'm looking at a pretty grim future.
But I'm gonna cut this off, not because I'm "spiraling into depression" - which I am - but because it's gotten late, and tomorrow comes really fucking early...
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