9:14 am - Wed 3/26/03
Assorted Odds & Ends

(OFFLINE)

Sat 3/22/03 1:50 pm

Just finished a couple loads of laundry...

There are a number of other things I could/should be doing right now, but something is compelling me to do this (Even while, at the same time, I'm feeling compelled to do those other things in order to avoid doing this. If that makes any sense). There's no big news to report, and I don't know exactly what it is I'm dying to get off my chest, but here we are.

In the current Entertainment Weekly, there's an article on Vaughn Meader (If you don't know him, he was a guy who, back in the early 60s, made his living imitating Kennedy-- recording a best-selling comedy album called First Family--until certain events in Dallas put him out of business). I guess you could say it's a "Where-Is-He-Now?" piece.

In the article, they refer to the "cruel irony" of show business being 99 percent rejection, but attracting people who have an outsized need for approval (Meader apparently falls into this category).

It got me thinking about my own "outsized need for approval". It's hard to escape the fact that my life, my desires, my dreams, are centered around a huge dysfunction; If I didn't need the world to love me, to approve of me, I wouldn't be where I am today (I don't know where I would be--don't have a clue actually--but I know I wouldn't be here).

If I didn't need the world to love me, to approve of me, I don't know who I'd be today. But I wouldn't be the guy sitting naked at his computer, in his filthy apartment, writing these words (I think I'd at least have some pants on...).

And this is where I tend to get "balled-up"...I want to escape the fact that I am, essentially, my dysfunction, or am at least primarily motivated by it, but by the same token, I know this is who I am. I want to sometimes not be "me", but as the song goes (Imagine my smooth bass-baritone voice here. You can also imagine me in a tux, if the image of me "sitting naked at my computer" is creeping you out ), "I gotta be me, I gotta be me. What else can I be, but who I am?".

My drive is a self-centered one. I'm not much of a giver (It took someone I know twenty years to work that out, which made me realize they weren't nearly as smart as I took them for). And when I think about it that way, this "holy grail" of acting sometimes feels more like an addiction than anything else (But of course, there's more to it than that; Even if my desire to act is essentially a selfish one--Basically "look at me! look at me"--the results of my acting, if I do it right, are that people get something of value from it, whether it's laughter, emotional catharsis, or a change of perspective).

And in this respect, I'm not gonna change. The addiction is the man, and the man is the addiction; I don't see me suddenly not wanting to perform anymore, being happy being an assistant manager at Borders. Not having the need anymore.

So the question becomes, "Can I 'feed the need' and be a person in the process?" Can I create a life that involves both fulfilling this "outsized" need I have, and at the same time, invest enough energy in other areas of my life to feel truly fulfilled? Do I have enough of a desire to genuinely connect with other people, without "acting" being between us, to make an honest-to-God "relationship" work?

Tue 3/25/03 1:23 pm

Lots of news to report...

On a sad note, Kay's father died Sunday morning.

I didn't know him--I've met her mother on a couple occasions--but I guess he'd had "heart issues" for awhile. He'd had a bypass, and I guess had recently been having pains the doctors couldn't quite get a fix on.

He was only 65 (That doesn't seem nearly as "old" to me as it used to!).

I got the call from Cary around 8 am; The reading for his screenplay was scheduled for 10:00, so he was calling to let me know they were still going to do it--which surprised me--but since he and Kay would be taking the first flight out to Michigan, he of course wouldn't be able to give me a ride (It was at Raleigh Studios in Manhattan Beach. I'd been there once before, a long time ago, to shoot the Stiffed video).

Well, they ended up not being able to get a flight out till midnight, so Kay convinced Cary he should go to the reading after all (I drove myself, and met him there). I hadn't really wanted to go if he wasn't going to be there, so I was glad things worked out the way they did.

Even with Cary there, I initially felt awkward and uncomfortable. I knew Cary, and his other friend Jonathan, but it seemed like everyone knew everyone else, and I felt kind of "out of it" when everyone was chatting before things got started (I also noticed that everyone--and I mean everyone--had better teeth than I do. And for a long time now, I've been feeling really boring, like I don't have anything going on or anything very interesting to say).

But when the reading actually started, it was fun to be doing an "actor thing" with other actors.

(The screenplay is a comedy, about a fallen angel who has till sundown to save one final soul and get into heaven. There's a whole lot more going on in the screenplay, but that would be an entry unto itself.)

My take on things? It seemed like everyone had a good time with the screenplay, and hearing it read by other actors, I was struck by how there were more laughs in it than when I'd read it by myself.

There was a little "feedback session" afterwards, and I was relieved when another actor mentioned, right off, the biggest problem I'd had with the story (Going in, I'd been concerned about being too critical, what with Cary being not just a screenwriter, but also my friend).

People had various other "issues" with the screenplay, which can't have been a complete thrill for Cary to hear, but on the other hand, I really felt, from my end and from my perception of the other actor's responses, that people liked the screenplay. I don't have any problem imagining it being viable onscreen.

The part I read, "Walter", was one of a trio of comic villians. A small part, but enough of a character, with enough lines, to make an impression (There's no guarantee I'll end up getting to do the role if and when the actual film gets made, but I hope it works out that way. I think it would be fun).

(END)

(Chatting with Kevin right now...)

After the reading, I found myself wanting to go out to eat. I was also feeling a renewed urge to go to Circuit City--there's one in the Los Feliz neighborhood where I often go to the movies--and buy a new boombox. And I knew exactly where those urges were coming from; I was feeling jazzed by getting to play "Actor Man" and I wasn't ready to "come down".

And something I thought was interesting was that, even though I was "jazzed" by the reading, in the back of my mind, there was still some upset and anxiety over Cary's news. Or if not "upset and anxiety", at least there was stuff there I was still..."chewing on".

When someone I know loses a parent, at some point I always think "That's never going to happen to me...", and it makes me feel...alien. I feel like an essential human experience--a milestone, if you will, is going to pass me by (Now, you may be thinking, "Well Jim, isn't that a good thing?". And who knows? Maybe it is. But I also find myself wondering how I'm ever going to know I'm a bonafide adult if I never get married, never have children, never watch my parents get old and die, etc and so forth (About the only things telling me I'm getting older, that time is going by, are my achy knees, balding/graying head, and middle-aged spread).

But when I thought about Kay's dad dying, it occured to me that I lost my Mom years ago. And I don't mean my biological mother--Last I knew, she was still alive--but my foster mother, Lydia DeHaven.

Being taken from her at a young age, never seeing her again...well I guess by my perspective, she essentially died. I just didn't know what it was I was experiencing at the time (She didn't actually die till some years later, in Pennslyvania. She was living with her sister. I was in my early twenties when I found out).

(When I found out my biological father had died a long time ago, without my ever having known him, I felt a sadness--the "closing of a door", if you will--but by no stretch of the imagination did I feel like I'd lost a parent. For all I know, the guy never even knew I existed.)

So I guess I'm not so "alien" after all, at least not in that respect; I just got my parental loss out of the way early on.

________________________________________

A nice side benefit of taking the day off to do the reading of Cary's screenplay is that I got to watch the Academy Awards (I missed them last year).

I guess it was the lowest rated Oscar telecast since the Nielsen ratings began--I think partly the war, and partly the lack of red carpet--but I actually enjoyed it. I think Steve Martin is a perfect host for this thing, and the preponderance of black evening wear was really elegant. The only "off" notes, to me, were the celebratory clips of other oscar telecasts--Did we really need a montage of past Academy presidents, for example?--and the bizarre thing where they would show videotape of winners finding out they'd won, minutes after we'd just seen them win (I guess it was a play to the ADD audience).

I hardly remember how I voted in the Oscar pool at Schulers, but I think the only things I got right were "Best Actress" (Nicole Kidman) and "Best Movie" (Chicago). I did better last year--I ended up splitting the pot with one other person--but that was an exception; As a rule, I suck at predicting the Oscars.

________________________________________

There's been a major shake-up at Borders.

I'm not going to get into it in great detail because 1)I don't really have "great detail" to offer, and 2)It would mostly not be of interest anyway.

The only development that matters to me is that John O. is out as "Human Resources" manager, and Brad E. is in.

I don't know how or why this happened exactly--I don't know if John jumped or was pushed--but it reads, to me, as a demotion for him and a promotion for Brad.

I am concerned, to say the least. I felt like John O. and I had an "understanding", which I'm very much afraid won't be the case with Brad E. (And for the record? I'm not the only one with "concerns" here. I haven't talked to a coworker yet who's reading this as a good thing).

(John, at least for now, is still a manager. But he isn't doing the schedule anymore. And I have no way of knowing this, but I have a feeling that this is the start of his moving out the door completely. Just a feeling on my part.)

This move just knocks my respect for this organization down another couple notches; If John O. chose to step down, that's one thing--though I don't think he did (John C. suggested that this was presented to him, and he has since "made his peace" with it), but to replace him with Brad E., the guy in the store least equipped to deal with actual humans, is the height of folly (There's a theory that Brad is being promoted to something he can fail at, so he can be "drummed out of the corps", so to speak. Seems farfetched, but who knows?).

I don't want to read disaster into this, but you know me--"worry" is my stock-in-trade. I'm just hoping it won't suck as much as I think it will (My concern? I'm afraid that if/when I need "accomodations"--with my schedule and auditions--he won't be very accomodating. Then I'll get mad, beat him to death with a hardcover copy of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, and go to jail, while at the same time earning the eternal gratitude and respect of my coworkers).

________________________________________

Another potentially big development...

Tomorrow I'm auditioning for a national touring company of The Music Man.

There was a notice about general auditions in the most recent Backstage West, but I had actually sent them a headshot earlier, and got a call from them on Monday, giving me a specific audition time to come in and audition for "Mayor Shinn".

I'd kind of forgotten I'd done it; I was actually debating whether I was going to go in for the general audition (It falls on my days off, so basically, there was no real reason not to do it. But this isn't exactly what I came out to LA for, and initially, I wasn't nuts about the idea of pulling up stakes for a year).

This isn't a movie, or a tv show, or even a big commercial payoff. It's not a role I'm particularly hungry to do. And like I said, I'm not completely comfortable with putting LA on hold for the next year, if I actually get cast.

But...

It's me on stage again, which ain't all bad. It's me being an actor. It's me getting paid.

And it's me not working a straight job for 365 days.

It's me having an adventure.

So I'm going tomorrow morning at 10:05. I'm going to sing "Guv'mint" from Big River. And if I get cast...well, we'll deal with that if and when it happens (There's no point in getting bunched up about logistics--How do you pay your bills "on the road", that sort of thing--before I need to).

Wish me luck. I'm hoping this is my time for something really good to happen. I feel like I'm due.

(One more thing: If I put a link in here, the way it works is that you click on the underlined word, and then, if I've done it right, you get a nice surprise. Kathy e-mailed me, confused, so I thought I'd clear things up, if anyone else had been unclear.)

12:32 pm - Mon 5/27/02
Odds and Ends--More \"odds\" than \"ends\"

I had a dream I met Ken Howard, at the Jack-In-The-Box down the street.

I approached him and said, "This is very exciting for me. I used to watch The White Shadow every week".

His response--"AND...?"--left me struggling for what to say next.

Then, thankfully, I woke up.

(I don't know why, but I have the feeling Mr Howard is probably nicer than that in real life...)

I'm thinking about a lot of things right now, so here they are, in no particular order...

1) I'm eating a lot of sugar these days. I didn't realize I was dealing with an addiction here till I told myself I should cut back on my consumption, and instead of cutting back, I find myself eating more (

And if anyone's asking, the answer is "no"--I never went back to the doctor to have my blood sugar level re-tested).

2) Brad E. at work taped the "Buffy" finale. While I haven't seen it yet--I think John O. is in line ahead of me--I will get to see it before too long. YAY!

3) Speaking of TV, I told Carrie in a conversation recently that I'm really concerned with how I'm going to while away all the time without "my stories", now that everything is in repeats. I think that's embarrassing and sad.

4) Two things that have amused me recently, regarding how my brain works...

Thing 1: It's been killing me that Frank Miller is late on the final installment of his "Batman" graphic novel The Dark Knight Strikes Back (A sequel to his groundbreaking The Dark Knight Returns).

The amusing part? I've hated the series so far. It's been a complete, profound disappointment. But I guess the eternal optimist in me is hoping for a big finish that'll make it all worthwhile (And even the eternal pessimist in me wants the closure!).

Thing 2: When I bought the car, it came with an alarm system, and "The Club", which I was "borrowing" until the owners of the car bought a new car.

I had been amused at the overkill of protecting this 12-year old vehicle with both "The Club" and an alarm system, but now that I've had to return "The Club", I find myself tempted to buy another one (If I do, I probably won't buy "The Club", but one of its lesser-priced bretheren. Perhaps "The Cudgel").

5) Further bad developments in Jennifer's life--A recent DUI arrest--have me more worried about her than ever. I find myself very anxious to talk to her, but have no idea what I would say; I certainly don't have any great answers for her. And while I might fantasize about her running out here to be with me, I think in reality that would be a sign she had gone from "troubled" to "insane". I'm just...concerned.

6) Also find myself concerned about Jane (And I think it's even less likely that the answer to her problems would involve running out here to be with me. But who knows?). She seems to be in a protracted "funk" lately. It seems like she feels more overwhelmed than usual by all the "stuff" she has to do, all the while feeling like there's something...missing. At least that's my slant on it.

I hope things pick up for her soon. I think they will--We've talked about how we seem to only get but so depressed before naturally "bouncing back"--but I'd actually like a little more than that for Jane.

Well, it's work time again (I seem to have developed a little pattern here, which involves my doing this before work, then racing like a maniac to not be late).

I hope all my "readers"--both of you--are doing well (Just felt the impulse to say that, for some reason...)

previous - next