2:29 pm - 05.25.2009
(Still sick, but "over the hump" - I'm tired and congested, but don't feel like I've been beaten with a baseball bat. But anyway...)
I have improv class tonite, in spite of the holiday (I'm guessing that's because we have next week off; IO is hosting "The LA Comedy Festival", and they don't want us underfoot while they're busy trying to make real money).
Speaking of improv class, last week I was thrilled when the teacher gave me a major pat-on-the-back, not just for the scene I'd just done (that she was specifically commenting on), but for my work to-date in Level II.
By no stretch of the imagination do I think that means I've now "mastered the form", or anything close to it. But it did give me something I always want to have in any performing situation, which is the feeling that I'm one of the "heavy hitters" of the group.
The part that makes me anxious is that now I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up...whatever it is I'm now doing so well.
Happily, my Level II group is a good group in general, with only two or three people that, in my estimation, aren't keeping up with the pack.
Where was I...?
I want to be "head of the pack" in performing situations - as I told someone recently, I'm pretty competitive in that regard - but I don't want to feel like I'm the only one who's got anything going on.
I can't recall the last time I actually felt that way in a situation - like I was the only one who had anything "going on" - but it's not how I want to feel about class (a big part of learning is learning from your peers), and it's definitely not how I want to feel onstage - Because whether you're in a play or doing a two-person improv scene, a great partner makes you better.
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but this is another holiday that really doesn't mean much to me.
About all it means, really, is that mail isn't happening, so that case file I'm waiting for will be delayed by at least a day.
I'm trying not to obsess over this thing, but right now, I don't have much else - beyond the usual parade of fears - to obsess over.
I've written about how I'm kinda/sorta steeling myself against being upset by what I read, but the other side of the coin is steeling myself against just feeling a general letdown, over building up getting this case file as something more than it was ever going to be.
Yes, I'm excited at the idea of having more pictures of myself, and I'm hoping that I'll find out information I didn't know, or solidify things that are vague in my memory.
But really, whatever I get (Which I'm assuming I'll get within the next couple days), it's history; I'm still me, what happened happened, and my present circumstances will still be my present circumstances, when I finish reading the file, and put it in a drawer.
And you know what?
No matter how much I try to "control and predict" what this file will be, what it will mean to me and how I'll respond to it...I'm guessing I'll be wrong.
(I remember saying in here a long time ago - "I should really give up trying to predict the future, cause I suck at it".)
I really want to write some more - there's loads to write about - but I want to be as awake and aware as I can be for class tonite even more, so it's nap-time for Jimmy...
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