1:21 AM - 07.31.15
"Patti & Marina" And The IRS

Thurs 7/30/15 (10:30)

Not much has happened since I last wrote...and I think that's okay - For awhile now, I've thought, "I should write when there's not a lot of "news" to report, just to see what emerges".

And then I get scared and don't write anything...because I'm afraid of what might "emerge".

I was very ambivalent about going (Leaning toward "I don't wanna go") - that's become my "default" regarding social occasions (particularly parties) - because I'm older than everyone, didn't really have much to do with the project, and didn't feel like I'd have anything to talk about (I feel like I'm getting duller with age, which is sad).

But after kicking myself about not staying for lunch the day of the shoot, I couldn't very well pass on a second opportunity to socialize with a group of nice, energetic people who are actually doing things.

So I went, and initially felt terrifically awkward - it was supposed to start at 6:00, but I got there at 6:30 (At The Lost Knight, an English pub on Sunset), people were really just getting there, and I didn't know what to do with myself.

But eventually, we adjourned to the rooftop, and it was fun. I gassed-on about Shameless a bit (more on that in a moment), but mostly I just listened - Travis (The AD) had been a PA on the latest Tarantino movie, and Kim (The Costumer) is working on a documentary on the history of Nascar for The History Channel, so it wasn't like people didn't have interesting things going on (And of course, people were excited about the work we were there to celebrate, and that was infectious, even if I didn't really feel part of it - I felt more like it was "their thing" that they let me in on).

I had a WW coaching session at 8:30, and beforehand, that felt like a social "security blanket" - "If you go and it's really not working for you, you're got an iron-clad excuse to bail" - but when the time came, I was actually kind of bummed I had to leave (And more bummed, when I got home, that my member was a no-show).

So I was glad I went. And that's important for me to remember for "next time" - because I think my "default" regarding social events should actually be "go, unless there's a specific reason not to".

Anyway...

Even though I was glad I went to the thing, it did remind of something I've been feeling about Shameless for awhile - Namely, that I'm starting to "beat it to death", because it's basically "all I've got".

It's one of the more shallow reasons I want to achieve something beyond playing a small role on a TV show most people don't watch and don't even know about - I want to have more/better stories, I want to be able to name-drop more names (God bless William H. Macy, but he's not the only "actor's actor" I ever want to work with), and I just want to be a "heavier hitter", if you will.

I'm embarrassed to admit that, but there it is - I'm starting to feel like a loser because I don't have anything beyond Shameless to brag about, and I brag about it too damn much (I mean, I've done other things, but clearly, recurring on Shameless is my biggest credit to date).

So, as you've heard me say all-too-many times, I'd really love to have some things happen before the year's out to give me a sense of "forward momentum".

And some stuff to brag about.

Writing about wanting to act with other "name stars" beyond Bill Macy, other "actor's actors", reminds me of something my friend Howard said recently...

I was going on about how my "acting heroes" (Dustin Hoffman, Robert Deniro, Al Pacino, Robert Duvall, etc) are old, and joking how they couldn't retire or die before I got a chance to act with them (I make that "joke" to people a lot, and it's certainly not the first time Howard's heard it).

And Howard basically said, "You shouldn't be looking to act with those guys, you should be wanting to act with the people who are on top now" (Like Jake Gyllenhaal, for just one example).

He's completely right.

My "acting heroes" are, at this point, no longer relevant (When's the last time any of them did anything that mattered?). And wanting to work with them at this point is another example of my wrong-headed thinking about acting, wanting to go back in time and fulfill a fantasy, rather than be in the here-and-now and do things that matter, that excite people, and further my own ends (I don't think I have enough time left for this to happen, but wouldn't it be fun if I became "an actor's actor" that other actors wanted to work with? The only way that has any chance of happening is if I start acting with the people who are "heavy hitters" now, not back in the 70s).

What I should really want, at this point, is not so much to work with my heroes, but to meet them, and have them say, "I enjoy your work" (I actually have met Hoffman and Duvall, but neither instance involved them being impressed by my work as a day-player on TV)

But making my acting heroes into "fans" means getting some decent work.

When I'm in one of my all-too-frequent audition lulls, there always comes an odd point when it strikes me, "Even though I want to get called about an audition more than anything in the world, when it finally happens, it's gonna stress-me-out".

Even though auditions are “what it’s all about” (can’t book gigs without auditions, after all), there’s become a daily routine that revolves around not having auditions, and even though I genuinely want to get the call about an audition, it comes with a certain amount of stress – “Will it conflict with work?”, “Is it going to be a late-afternoon audition in Santa Monica, that’ll have me driving home during rush hour?”, “Is it something cool that I really want to do, or is it ‘just a job’?”, etc.

That all probably sounds messed-up.

It does to me, anyway

It’s been a crazily frustrating night…and as always, I’m responding to frustration very badly…

Seriously – I really think I should see someone about that, if nothing else (Actually, I should "see someone" about that, and everything else). It’s always been an issue for me, but in recent years, it feels like a genuine affliction . I’m getting worse about it instead of better, and it’s effecting my ability to function.

(Basically, I’ve been writing this entry over and over, and losing it in mid-stride. I just keep accidentally deleting what I’m writing, because the cursor seems to just have a mind of its own…)
Anyway…

Hoped the big news today would be getting my free download of Windows 10…but sadly, the IRS had other plans.

Got a notice in the mail today that I owe over $1100 on my 2013 taxes.
This has never happened to me before, and I’m not really prepared to deal. I don’ t know if it’s their mistake or mine – but suspect it’s mine – and don’t think I have my shit together enough to figure it out.

Talk about “frustrating”!

Well, I should have known something like this was gonna come up – I was getting all-too-close to paying off one of my credit card bills, and the Universe clearly doesn’t want that to happen.

Anyway, that's a good reason to hope the auditions start coming, fast and furious - In late afternoon, in Santa Monica, for tiny little parts I wish I were “too good for”, whatever.

(I’ll call the IRS tomorrow, and see if I can get some clarity – if nothing else, I might be eligible for low-income assistance with the problem – and, if worst comes to worst, I’ll put it on a credit card, or make arrangements to make payments. It sucks, but it’s not devastating.)

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