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5:02 am - Weds 6/30/04
Reading Is Good...As Long As You Put Your Book Or Magazine Back On The Shelf When You're Done

Reading is Good...As Long As You Put Your Book Or Magazine Back on The Shelf When You're Done

Sat 6/26/04 (7:09 a.m.)

I've had two auditions this month. One was a callback–For Alabama Power–and the other was for Glad Trashbags.

I would have had a third audition, but I was in Vegas at the time (I shouldn't have heard about that one–I had "booked out" with JS, like all good little actors are supposed to–and I would rather not have heard about it, but there was a little "glitch" in the system. What are ya gonna do?).

My point is, things have been very...very...slow.

I started wanting to get called for an audition while Kevin was still here (Just so he'd know I actually do audition for things out here, and aren't just making it up), but it didn't happen.

Tues 6/29/04 (12:14 p.m.)

I've noticed lately that I duck writing in here whenever I'm feeling particularly low. I don't know why...I guess I'm afraid I'll "spiral", or else alarm the the more devoted members of my "readership".

Or something. Who knows?

In any case, I have been struggling much of late with "the bad thoughts":

I'm not gonna make it. I'm waiting for the big commercial money that's never gonna happen, while my skills, such as they are, erode more each day. I'm getting older and uglier and more tired by the minute, and I'm gonna end up alone, living in a box, remembering "the glory days" at Borders when I made $8.50 an hour

There's more, but I think you get the idea...

Fortunately, while I do get depressed--and it hits me fairly hard and fairly often--it usually doesn't take much for me to "bounce back". And now, at least most of the time, I have the capacity to say "You feel like shit now, Jimbo, but it'll pass...eventually".

So, what's keeping me "bouncy" these days? What am I "looking forward to" that's helping me stave off the blues?

1. Fehrenheit 9/11, and Spiderman II (I'm going to be seeing the latter with Brad W. from work. I saw Hellboy with him some time back, and felt like a good time was had by all.)

2. Apparently not impressed with the navigational method I've described here in D-land–Which entails driving around till I eventually see something I recognize-- Jane bought me a digital compass from Buy.com. I like getting stuff in the mail, and this sounds like something that could come in handy the next time I don't know where I am.

3. My first Six Feet Under tape of the season (If not for Mark and Jane, the fine programming on HBO would be only a beautiful dream. And getting tapes of The Sopranos and Six Feet Under is particularly important these days, as network tv goes ever further into the dumper).

4. Carolyn T. is making me a tape of Dinner for Five episodes, which is another show I'd be watching on a regular basis if I could afford cable (I feel like Carolyn has recently signed up for "Team Hoffmaster", the support group of friends and well-wishers that help me feel like I'm not totally alone in the world).

5. I've been looking forward to getting my check from the Time Warner "Dish Police" commercial, and yesterday I got it...sort of; it was for just under $800, which was the "session fee" for the two-day shoot, minus JS's "cut" (I'm mildly concerned–Why did they just send JS the session fee, without the $500 "buyout"?–but as you might imagine, JS noticed the check was "light", and I trust JS to work it out). But in any case, it was a nice reminder, both of the good time I had on that shoot, and of the fact that I have succeeded in getting paid to act out here (And it's happened more than once, which would suggest that it'll no doubt happen again).

6. The nice thing about these commercial gigs–and I imagine the same thing will apply with tv and movie gigs–is that you get these little "bursts" of excitement, long after the gig is done. It's fun to do the gig, then it's fun to have people start to see it, and it's fun to get the check.

(END)

It's really late. I just spent hours writing an "addendum" to this entry, that somehow got "eaten" when I tried to post.

Basically, it was more bookstore ranting–I had a pretty shitty evening at the store--which I know isn't very interesting; essentially, I want out really, really bad.

I think the main point, before I had this orgasm of angry invective, was that a concern I'm having about the job is not that the customers are assholes–which they sometimes are–but that the job is turning me into an asshole.

I don't want that, but to be honest, I don't think I have the strength to stop it. So I need to get out, before I get myself fired, or hurt someone, or just have my soul continue to die on the vine.

And when I think about how badly I want out, and how I have no idea in hell when that's gonna happen, I start to panic.

But that's no good. I can't panic. I can't think in terms of being "trapped". That's not gonna help me not be trapped.

It's late. I have to get to bed...

 

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