10:12 pm - Mon 3/18/02
WARNING:This entry contains lots of talk about S-E-X
(WARNING: This entry will contain some "adult content")

On the way home from work today, I saw a woman in a long skirt, leaning against a wall, her back to me.

It was dark. I rode by quickly. I didn't really get a good look at her.

Suddenly, I imagined she was a hooker, was wearing nothing UNDER that long skirt, and...well, let's say I imagined I had some money burning a hole in my pocket (How SAD is it, that I'm fantasizing about "hooker sex"? And beyond that, what hooker have you ever seen wearing a long skirt?).

It's interesting to me how the mind works...

From there, I suddenly envisioned myself the victim of a vindictive hooker, who had given me AIDS. I saw myself telling John O. my terrible news, imagined him telling me how AIDS isn't the death sentence it used to be.

Then I thought of Darwin Morgan, the first person I knew personally who died of AIDS (For years, I had a flyer from the fundraiser held for him at the Riverwalk on my wall).

(For a long time, I secretly felt guilty that I never particularly LIKED Darwin. I didn't DISLIKE him, mind you; I just didn't think much of him one way or the other.)

_________________________________________________

Amanda wrote me recently.

She's working at a law firm in San Francisco, doing things she "would never have imagined doing" (Not exactly sure what that MEANS, so I asked her in the e-mail I sent today).

And speaking of the things one "imagines doing"...

For some reason, I had the urge to tell her how I'd had a serious "crush" on her while she worked at Schuler Books (That sounds pretty stupidly juvenile to me, but it would probably be more palatable than saying, "I constantly fantasized about having sex with you. And as a matter of fact, I STILL do"). But I thought there wasn't anything to be gained by such a confession/admission--On the contrary, there's the very real possibility she would be completely horrified and/or grossed-out--so I kept my grimy little thoughts to myself, and just asked her a lot of questions (Partly because I really wanted to KNOW stuff, and partly because I just want to have her write BACK), and gave her the Cliff's Notes version of my L.A. experience to date.

Thinking about Amanda, and my thoughts about Amanda, and how I am literally old enough to be Amanda's father, leads me to think about something I've seen on the internet...

Apparently there are people out there who get off on seeing naked pictures of old men with young women (I'm kind of assuming the ONLY people who would get off on that are old MEN...though I SUPPOSE there could be women out there who are erotically fixated on old grand-dad, but that's something I don't want to THINK about too much).

Out of curiousity, and perhaps expanding my erotic horizons, I once checked out a set of such pictures.

In a word? YUCK! I have seen MORE un-appealing stuff out there in my day...but it's right UP there. Unnatural, unsettling somehow, and definitely unarousing.

There's a porno star by the name of Ron Jeremy (Who has done God knows how many films, though at this point I don't think he actually PERFORMS anymore; I think he actually does "walk-ons" now, to--I don't know--add a touch of CLASS to the proceedings, without actually DOING much of anything).

He's a short, fat, slovenly guy, who has hair all over his body, who just happens to have a big penis (His nickname in the business is "The Hedgehog").

I've heard it theorized that his success in porno movies is that he provides a "surrogate" for the "regular guy" who's watching.

Again, I just find it gross. I would NEVER seek out a movie with Ron Jeremy in it, just so I could say to myself, "God, he's uglier than I am, but there he is, having SEX". It just doesn't push any erotic buttons for me. If the men in porno movies are supposed to be stand-ins for the "regular guys" who are watching...well, I think I want MY stand-ins to be an improvement on the real thing. I don't watch porn to see what things REALLY look like (Though with the popularity of amateur porn, I guess some people DO).

Why did I go off on that tangent? Because Amanda is not attracted to me, was never attracted to me, and it would be kind of sick and wrong if she WERE attracted to me. It would be like a hedgehog trying to mate with a swan (I've seen pictures. It ISN'T pretty).

I don't think I remember what real sex is like anymore.

Back in the days when I was having sex, I don't think I was very good at it. Too ignorant, too scared, too selfish, too embarrassed, to either really let myself go, or to give the way I wanted to GET (For a long time, I blamed myself completely for sex being mostly a let-down. But while I probably didn't do most of the women in my life any big favors, there were lots of occasions where the women weren't doing much for me EITHER!).

Half the time you were having to do things in the dark, which was difficult on two fronts (I'm a big FAN of the visuals; To me, it's just not the same game without them. In addition, it's not always easy to do what you need to do when you can't see where you ARE).

(I'm already really embarrassed that I'm writing this, but now it's gotten really late, and I'm starting to crash pretty hard, so I think I'm going to cease and desist.)

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