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8:39 am - Sun 1/27/02 Something I haven't typically given much voice to in my journal is how even things that seem "bad" have positive aspects. One that springs to mind is how I started riding a bike to work. It was a decision made from a lack of money and a need to "cut corners"--I was trying to figure out how I could afford to sign up for health insurance at work--and initially, I wasn't happy about it at all. But as a result, I'm getting more regular exercise than I've probably ever gotten in my adult life, which has been, I'm sure, a big factor in my weight loss (I'm down to at least a 36 waist size, and everyone has noticed that there's less of me). It's a discipline, enforced by challenging circumstances, that I would have had a hard time mustering on my own; If I'd said, "I'm going to ride my bike twice a day, five days a week, because I need the exercise"...well, let's just say it's UNLIKELY that would ever have happened. But beyond "cutting corners", beyond getting regular exercise and losing weight, I've ENJOYED it. Some days are more pleasant than others--I'm a little concerned about the thundershowers we're supposed to get over the next couple days--but there have been many times where the most pleasant part of a given day is the bike ride to and from work. (Work, btw, was totally fine yesterday. No cafe time--Yay!--and the only "issue" I had was just that I kind of pooped out physically before the night was over. But all-in-all, a good night at the bookstore.) I felt some unhappy feelings about getting rid of the car, BUT... Now I'm done throwing money down a bottomless pit. I don't have the fear of getting in an accident, or stalling on a busy street. I don't have to stress over where the money is coming from for the next big car insurance payment, and I can forget about the upcoming DMV renewal payment as well. Parking is no longer an issue, and I don't have to worry about getting my car out of the way of the street sweeper. And now I can focus on the NEXT car, instead of letting myself be seduced by the idea that "Maybe the NEXT 'fix' will be the one..." with the Corsica. And while I know I didn't get what I could have/should have, I did get at least SOME money back, that can either defray some expenses, be the start of the "down payment fund" for a new car, or be the start of the savings account I was fantasizing about recently. Even my "morning sickness" has an "up side"... I learned that my iron was "a little low" and my blood sugar "a little high", which has led to making spinach a regular part of my diet, and taking Pop Tarts and sugary kiddie cereals off my training table (I'm sure that's another contributing factor to my losing weight). I've quit going for my weekly large coffee and two donuts, which is healthier and saves me a couple buck a week. I also learned my cholesterol is good, which I wouldn't have known. And I don't know exactly how to phrase this next part, because it feels a little ABSTRACT to me...but I can choose to be grateful that whatever-this-problem-is, it's pretty OVERT. As a result, I'm going to either find out what's wrong physically, and be able to go from there, or I'll find out that my reactions to stress are literally making me sick, and I'll have the clearest sign yet that I need to alter the way I deal with life. It even occurred to me that the Borders cafe business has at least ONE "up side"; I used to kind of inwardly groan if I had too much time on the register in a day, or if they had me up in music (I don't know very much about any music that's been made after 1980). But now my perspective has changed--Any place I'm scheduled that ISN'T the cafe is fine by me! And another positive side of the Cafe thing is that it's got me THINKING again. I'm thinking about what I can do that would make me feel better about myself, about my life. I genuinely want a happier, more satisfying life, and I think anything that makes me really THINK about what I want and don't want is, at least in part, a good thing. I feel like this situation has helped me establish how Borders views me, which in turn is helping me establish how I view MYSELF. (That's another thing I'm going to throw out there, to my Diaryland "readership", to "God", to "the Universe", etc--I want a job. a job in an environment I'm comfortable in, doing work I can feel good about. I want to be paid decently, and I want it to be flexible with acting. I don't know exactly what that job IS yet, but that's what I want.) I've often thought about how the way for me to get things done is to tell myself I want to do something ELSE (Jane and I have kidded about that--When we want to avoid doing something, we'll end up doing some OTHER worthwhile thing. I thought about that the other day, when housecleaning suddenly became very important to me, when what I'd started OUT doing was...I forget. Either it was a Diaryland entry I was having trouble with, or else some acting stuff I was procrastinating on). I don't know that it's the same THING, but that feels like what's going on in my life a lot these days. The IMPULSE to do something ends up getting something ELSE done. An effort to save money by riding my bike to work leads to getting exercise I couldn't have disciplined myself to do otherwise. Efforts to eat better for my health end up saving me money, and efforts to save money end up causing me to eat more healthfully. I could go on, but I think you get the idea. I'm not totally sure what the POINT is here--Except maybe, going back to a previous entry, that you don't really KNOW how things are going to work out--but I just find it interesting.
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