12:20 pm - Sun 6/30/02
The Saga Continues

On Friday, I called Cary (We'd talked a couple times earlier in the week about "doing

something" then. I didn't really want to do anything--I didn't want to drive, was

feeling too low on funds to spend $2.70 on the Metro, and just wasn't feeling like

being with people--but thought it would just be polite to let him know).

Anyway, he asked how I was, and I made some lame crack about not wanting him to

become "my personal Wailing Wall".

I genuinely didn't understand how...appropos that lame little joke was going to be;

In the middle of a blackly comic recitation of my difficulties, I broke down.

The thing about Jennifer, the rejection by Astrid (A bigger deal than I made it out to be.

I'm not angry, exactly, but I've been uncomfortable around her in the days

since), the amazing disappearing checkbook, the ticket, the car repair, and just a general

sense of being stuck, not just "not firing on all cyclinders", but not firing on

any cyclinders.

It's just all been...a bit much.

I have a job I'm actually okay with, by and large, but that I can't afford to keep.

I have an apartment I like, that I'm comfortable in, in an area I know and feel safe in

(And I'm probably paying less than most anyone else in the building. Certainly less than

anyone who's moved into the building in the time since), and again, I can't afford to

keep it.

And of course, there's all the "other stuff"; While I struggle to make this pretty minimal

life happen, there are "bigger fish to fry" that not only aren't frying, but that

haven't even been caught (I'm basically at the sporting goods store, wondering

how I'm going to buy a good fishing pole with the handful of change in my pocket).

I'm poor. I'm lonely. I'm frustrated. I feel tired and small and old and weak, nothing's

working, and I want to go home but there's no "home" to go to. I want to

"fall back", but there's nothing to "fall back" on.

So I called Cary, and I broke down.

And bless his heart, he didn't make me feel any more embarrassed or uncomfortable than

I already was (You may not get a sense of this from Diaryland, but I'm not

comfortable with being weak in front of other people).

Cary is very pragmatic, which is an attitude towards life I should consider

adopting; He was very understanding and sympathetic, and assured me I was in no danger

of going hungry or being homeless as long as he was around, then started talking in terms

of what I could do to solve my problems (What a novel idea!).

I initially begged off on going to his house for the evening--I had this and that to do, and

was basically feeling the urge to just lay down--but he insisted, so I ended up collecting

some loose change, and meeting him in North Hollywood.

And it was a nice evening. We ate--Kay had made lasagne, which was very tasty--chatted,

checked out some apartment websites, then watched "America's Funniest Videos" on tv

(I'm not a big fan of the videos where someone gets hit in the nuts, but I'm always

charmed by the ones with children in them...unless of course, the child in

question is hitting someone in the nuts).

It was a nice evening, an evening I needed to have, and a likely improvement on

the one I would have fashioned for myself (Which would probably have involved a

downward spiral of depression and fear).

So what now?

Well, yesterday I disconnected my cable, got out the antenna Cary and Kay gave me early

in my time here, and hooked it up to the tv. And you know what? I think I can

live with slightly-less-than-pristine reception (It�s not so bad that I�m going to be

looking at shadowy shapes on the screen, trying to figure out which one is �Buffy�).

(I experienced some initial frustration/confusion about lines in-and-out for the antenna,

vcr, and the tv, so I called Cary, and he set me straight.)

So anyway, I�m going to call the cable company tomorrow and cancel my �poor people�s

cable�, as it�s amused me to call it. That�ll be a savings of $8.50 a month.

I also called the Sprint people.

I got the cell phone for the trip out here, in case of emergencies on the road. Once I

actually got here, I didn�t really have any use for it, but was stuck with the

service agreement (I also had a sense, as an �actor� in LA, that I was supposed to

have one).

Guess what? My service agreement was fulfilled back in March (This is going to

sound kind of nutty, at least it did to me>, but I swear I was told by a

Sprint representative, the last time I made a change in my contract, that the contract

would be extended to a year from the time I made the change. That really didn�t make

any sense to me, and apparently, turned out not to be the case).

Anyway, I had the service discontinued. And I know all kinds of situations will arise

when I�ll think, �Sure wish I had a cell phone right now...�, but honestly, right now I�m

either at home, where I�ve got a phone, or at work, where I can�t take calls to my

cellphone anyway, so it�s been a pretty pointless expense.

That�s $36 a month.

Food-wise, I�ve determined that I may need to live without my precious diet coke. And

depending on what brand I buy in a given week, what the sales are, that can add up to a

savings of anywhere from 8 to 20 dollars a month.

And I�m really uncomfortable with this, but I�ve gotta give serious thought to

dropping my online subscription to Backstage; It�s very convenient, and I know

myself well enough to know that �convenience� is pretty important to my getting things

done. But it�s $9.95 a month, and I can either make time to look at it at work, or

if doesn�t work, I can just buy a copy (I do have a $30 a month book

credit, after all, and that would only be $10 a month).

So, as Cary said when I last talked to him and told him about my budget cutbacks, I�m

being �proactive�.

There are bigger, thornier issues here--Do I have to find a new job? Do I have to move

(My lease is up the beginning of August)?--but at least I�m taking some action. I�m

thinking in terms of solutions, and not just stewing in my own toxic juices.

I was writing in my �pocket journal� the other day, saying, in so many words, that it�s

okay to feel sad, lonely, frustrated, afraid, etc and so forth, but I can�t just

live there. I can�t be the guy anymore who says, �Things aren�t working,

but I can�t--or won�t--do anything different�.

And something else occurred to me; If I don�t want to move, if I don�t want to

find a new job (My big fear with that? That all I�ll manage is a lateral move to something

I don�t like as much), I�d better redouble, or maybe re-triple, my acting efforts.

And, just having finished Stephen King�s book on writing (Called, appropriately enough,

On Writing), it also occurs to me that if I think I might be able to write, if I want

another shot at doing something for money that I might actually be good at,

well...at some point, I�ll need to actually sit down and start doing it.

previous - next