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9:07 AM - 07.01.20

Losing A Step Or Two. Or Three.

Very proud of myself...

Have been staying up too late (2:00 am or later) and felt it was negatively impacting my productivity, so last night went to bed around 12:30.

And woke up at 5:30 this morning.

Because why wouldn't I?

Have not been feeling good...I don't know if it has anything to do with the various things that came up at the doctor recently (Blood clot, heart thing, diabetes thing) or if it's the combo of relative inactivity plus substantial weight gain (I currently weigh almost as much as I did when I joined Weight Watchers, some 12-13 years ago), or if I'm depressed (The fact that I hurt my shoulder taking a fucking shower this past week is plenty depressing all on its own), or some mix of factors.

But I don't feel good. I'm constantly tired - which is kind of a given - but also feel weak as can be.

And when I get up from sitting or lying down, I feel like I'm a hundred years old.

And my sex drive has declined precipitously.

But other than that, everything's great.


(10:30 pm)

Jane got in yesterday morning, staying overnight at the Normandie (A hotel near my place that had been her base-of-operations for a good chunk of our LA shooting).

Our reunion got off to a bad start, and though I thought we "righted the ship" somewhat over the course of our time together, it turned out she did not feel the same.

Things felt strained and awkward, which is...really weird for the two of us.

I'm not interested in attacking her/defending myself (Or for that matter, defending her/attacking myself), so I'll just say she was tired from the trip, and - as previously mentioned - I've not been feeling well, and leave it at that.

We met up at her Air BNB in Silverlake today, and happily, we were both more our regular selves and much fun was had (We both got a kick out of where she was staying - Owned by a gay photographer, it's stuffed with arty/campy/kitschy photographs, paintings, and geegaws of every stripe. I was also fond of his sofa and TV situation).

Gonna take her to Trader Joes tomorrow morning - She'd already planned to do a lot of cooking/eating at home during her time here. But now that indoor dining has once again been prohibited (Jane heard the news this morning) that and takeout is pretty much going to be the only games in town.

(Yesterday we ate at Cassells for lunch, then HMS Bounty for dinner, and there were so few people at each place I remember thinking, "I can't imagine how this is worth the trouble...".)

I know she's here to do some work for the film and to hang out with me, but she also wants to hang out with herself and write and do art and whatnot, so I don't know how the next month is gonna play out.

But while I do have things I want to do, even if I'm not working/acting/doing anything that actually matters (Podcasts, TikToks, drawing, writing in here, etc), I feel like this is probably about as flexible as my time is ever gonna get, so I plan on "following her lead" as much as possible in terms of when she wants to hang out and when she wants to do her other shit.

(Though I do feel like I need to make space for Zumba since it's the only regular exercise I get...though I'm a little concerned how my shoulder responded to my last outing on Monday. And let's not get me started on how I had restarted my resistance band/"Bionic Bar" workout and had done it exactly twice before I apparently broke my shoulder in the shower while fucking washing my hair or something.)

So what else is going on?

Not much, really.

The day got off to a good start - In spite of the early hour - when I made fairly quick work of the latest "continuing benefits" thing for Unemployment (I'd planned to do it the night before but the system was down till Midnight. So I just gathered my earnings info over the past two weeks - between Cameos, a small check from WW, and a couple residuals, a little less than $200 - and put the info in today).

So right now, the only concern I have with Unemployment is that I not earn too much money between now and the 25th, when the extra Covid-19 benefit expires; since I don't know where my next day job is coming from or when the last season of Shameless will start (Or if my role will continue to be a thing), those extra injections of cash could really come in handy in the long run.

And the other thing that made the day nice was being relieved of my fear that yesterday's tense day with Jane was going to be repeated today (Things seemed rocky still when we texted and I was prepared to hold off on our seeing each other till tomorrow morning. But as I previously said, today was more the way we usually are).

I'm realizing that even though I actually kind of enjoyed the initial phase of the pandemic (Where I didn't have to go anywhere or do much of anything but still had a job) the relative inactivity, the social contact that went from "little" to "none", the eventual loss of my job, and the uncertainty about acting in general (And Shameless in particular), has taken a toll on me, physically and emotionally.

Like a lot of people, one of the things I'm most uncertain about these days is Covid-19 and when it's going to be (relatively) "safe" to venture back into the world (Though again, with no day job and no acting, there's not much "world" left for me to "venture into").

I've honestly been nervous about Jane's visit, in large part because I was uncertain about what environment she was coming into and I very much didn't want one or both of us getting sick (Apparently even if it doesn't kill you, Covid-19 can still fuck you up pretty good)

But perhaps perversely, I was kind of glad to hear the news that indoor dining is once again verboten. On one level, if we went back to not being able to do anything but go to the grocery store and order takeout, and Jane being here was just a matter of me visiting her at her place and her visiting me at mine over the next month, I'd kinda be down with that.

Because I'm still pretty nervous about the whole thing (Though returning to "Safer At Home" would kick the Shameless can even further down the road and do God-Knows-What to acting in general. And unless demand for Cameos goes through the roof or VO becomes an actual thing sometime soon, I'm going to need some kind of work moving forward when the Unemployment/Savings run out).

But it has grown somewhat late, and I have to get up relatively early.

And right now, all that matters is what's right in front of me, which is meeting Jane tomorrow for our trip to Trader Joes.

So, until next time...




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