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3:34 am - Wed 10/16/02


I should be in bed.

But I'm not.

Thinking about a lot of things. I tend to say that in here a lot--and it's true a lot--but then I end up writing about everything but the things that are most on my mind.

Thinking about the sniper in Washington. Wondering who he is--It's almost certainly a "he"--and why he's doing what he's doing. Is it a terrorist distraction, as goes one theory? Or is it just another garden variety American Psycho with a gun and a will to kill?

Thinking about how I used to think I understood that sort of madness, thinking it would be a short drive from where I was to a place where the rules just didn't apply anymore. And thinking now about how I really don't understand, how there's a world of difference from the anger I've felt inside, which has always been an anger much more at myself than the world, and whatever is going on in the mind of this terrorist/psycho/whatever-it-is.

Thinking about Iraq. Thinking that I don't know how everyone arrives at their idea of what we should or shouldn't do with such certainty.

If this guy has demonstrated he doesn't give a damn about international law or world opinion, if he's killed his own people, and aided in the killing of Americans by his support of terrorism, and if a boycott is wrong, because it only hurts innocent Iraqis, and war is wrong beause...well, because war is automatically wrong for any reason to some people, what do you do?

But why is this happening now? Saddam has been around for a long time, and he's been being a bad guy for a long time. Is the timing of this just a ploy, to distract Americans from the real problems in the country? Is this just something, or someone, to vent our frustrations on?--"Well, we can't find Bin Laden, but we know where this Saddam fella lives, and we're going to fix his wagon but good!" And how does a policy that says "We're going to kick your ass because we think you're going to try something" do anything but make us even more hated by the rest of the world?

Initially, I was frightened by the administrations propaganda line justifying pre-emptive action against Iraq (Something to the effect of "We can't wait till he actually uses a nuclear weapon on us to be sure he has nuclear capabilities").

And then I thought about it--If Saddam, or some terrorist supported by him, set off a nuclear bomb in New York or (GULP!) Los Angeles, and we were able to trace it back to him, and maybe even if we couldn't, I'm pretty sure that would be the end of Saddam and Iraq.

And I'm not sure, but it might also be the end of the world.

(I'm not going to spin that scenario out any further, because I have to go to sleep at some point here. Let's just say that it becomes difficult for me to imagine anyone with any sense of self-preservation would do such a thing...would he?)

I've been thinking about Kyle, and why she makes me so hot (She's not anything I think I respond to sexually, and yet there you are).

I've been thinking about Jennifer, and how glad I am that she finally served her husband with divorce papers. And how it doesn't matter if she was never really interested in me or not, that it's still a good thing, and I'm still really happy about it. It's been apparent for...well, forever really, that he didn't get her (Not to say that I do--I now realize I was creating a relationship with Jennifer out of some very thin material--but in time, someone will. And she deserves that as much as anyone. As much as I do).

Thinking about Mark B., who I am fascinated by and extremely frustrated by, who reflects some of my worsts fears and frustrations about myself, who I both want to be friends with and want to have just go away. He drives me insane with his obsessions and total self-involvement. Trying to be friends with him is basically like throwing money down a bottomless pit. He is not a bad person, I don't think he means anyone harm, and at some level I do like him, God knows why. But I also feel like he's the most negative, twisted up, selfish person I've met, maybe in my entire life. And I don't want to be his therapist, or just another person feeding his obsessive need to hash over his problems again and again and again, until you just want to scream "Dammit Mark, will you just shut the fuck up?" And complicating everything is the fact that he just did me this major favor, by getting me my first commercial agent (But does that mean I have to be friends with him?)

Thinking about the major disconnect between working at a place where I'm actually pretty comfortable a lot of the time and really like a majority of the people I work with, and working for a company I kind of hate.

Thinking about how, by the same token, being chronically just a little bit unhappy about my work circumstances--low pay, hours cut at corporate whim, cameras watching workers more than shoplifters--might be what I need to motivate me "onward and upwards".

Thinking about going on my first commercial audition yesterday, and how I basically felt pretty dehumanized. And thinking about how there's going to be a lot of that between now and getting to do the things I really want to do as an actor. But I can deal, and I'm becoming absolutely positive that I'm going to succeed (More on the audition thing in the next entry).

Thinking about how the most exciting thing that's been happening in recent weeks is not that I've been in some artificially giddy, happy state-of-mind all the time--I wouldn't trust that sort of thing anyway--but that I've been happy a lot, and even when I haven't been, I haven't let it drag me further down into the depths. I acknowledge that I'm having a bad minute, hour, day, whatever, then I move on. Still having "bad thoughts", but I seem better able to say to myself, "They're just thoughts".

Thinking about Mark and Jane coming. Happy to see them, happy at the idea of spending time with them. Looking forward to getting some more of my things back too.

But they haven't even gotten here yet, and I'm already seeing them leaving, and being alone again...

Also anxious at the idea of having to drive around like I know what I'm doing and where I'm going. And bouncing back and forth from amusement to anxiety at the idea of them staying in my apartment (How the hell are we doing to do that for four days?).

And I'm thinking that I have one more day at work, then I'm free for the next nine days. Woo-hoo!!!

And I'm thinking it is really late, and I'm basically guaranteeing my day tomorrow is going to suck if I don't get to bed ASAP.

So I'm thinking I should say "Goodnite"...


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