8:32 PM - 07.10.16
Someone To Talk At

One of life's simple pleasures: Checking your closet and seeing you have at least one more change-of-clothes, meaning you can hold off doing laundry for one more day.

As "simple pleasures" go, that's probably not that great - "I get to keep avoiding something I really should do" - but at this point, I'll take what I can get.

Anyway...

I have to start out by saying I'm not happy.

Seriously not happy.

Maybe even "really depressed".

Not gonna "front", as the kids say (I'm guessing since I'm using it, "the kids" have long since moved on to something else, but what can I do? I'm old, and can't keep up. And "front", as in "to put up a front", makes sense to me linguistically, so I expect I will keep using it for some time to come, regardless).

So what's my deal?

I don't feel good physically, I don't feel good about how anything is going, I don't feel good about myself, and I don't see a lot to hope for moving forward.

I'm not crying, but I have frequent bouts where I feel like I'm going to at any minute - at work, at Zumba, even at Shameless (Cry, or have some other manner of outburst that might be even more problematic).

And I don't know what to do about it. I don't really understand what's going on - Is it chemical? Have my thoughts just taken this bad a turn?

Both?

I'm frustrated/angry about therapy right now. It clearly isn't doing shit for me (Going to see a psychiatrist on Wednesday, with the idea of looking into medication - that's something I've been resistant to all my life, but with the way I've been feeling, and for a pretty long time now, it's feeling like something that needs to happen, before things potentially go even more wrong in my head).

(And just writing what I've written seems to have opened the lid on a bubbling cauldron of self-hatred - Just stepped away from the computer and, motivated by I-don't-know-what, punched myself in the eye, and slammed myself upside the head a dozen or so times, and had a hard time stopping myself from further self-mayhem. That being the case, I think I'm going to stop writing about how unhappy I am, at least for now...)

Happy things...happy things...must write about some happy things..

I shot my second episode of the show yesterday (Shot my first episode last Thursday).

It was more fun than the first one. There was just one scene - a short one - and I liked what I had to do more (I've said before - the role is never going to be more than it is, so when I'm thinking right, and getting past the whole "wanting more to do" fantasy, just a funny line or bit-of-business is enough to satisfy me. And my bit in the scene felt funny enough that I got something out of doing it).

And since it was one short, easy scene, it was a short day - My call was 6:30 am, and I was wrapped by mid-morning.

I'm sure I've said it before - It seems counter-intuitive, when I'm on-set, theoretically doing what I came out here to do, to be happy when it's a really short day, instead of luxuriating in being an-actor-for-a-day...but on the other hand, when I don't have much to do, ever, why should I want it to take all day?

And it was a relatively nice couple hours, but as sometimes happens when my friend Mike M. isn't on set with me, I felt kind of lonely - the regulars are nice folks, I guess (And all really good actors), but I don't know them and they don't know me, really, and our lives are radically different, so while we're waiting for the next take or setup or whatever, they're typically talking among themselves, and I'm mostly just...waiting, wishing I were one of them, instead of one of me.

I did talk to Macy a little bit, while we were waiting for a "turnaround" (When the cameras change positions for a new shot), and that was nice (We talked a little bit about the ukulele - I'd told him last episode that I'd bought one during the hiatus, and he's been playing for years, and had one on-set with him. And he said he thinks we'll get at least one more season after this, but I don't know if he's basing that on anything, or just wants that to be the case).

And I did something this time around that I've never done, at least that I can recall - I asked the regulars I was working with that day (Macy, Shanola H., and Izzie G.) if I could get pictures with them.

Probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but for me it was. For whatever reason - maybe that it plays up the disparity in our relative positions on the show/as actors - it's always felt awkward and embarrassing to ask (Cause in my mind, I'm supposed to be a peer, not a fan who won a walk-on on the show or something), so I never have.

But I posted a picture on Facebook that Mike took of the two of us after shooting the first episode, and it was a big hit, on my page, and on my other social media (In addition to FB, I'm on Twitter and Instagram).

And then I saw that he'd gotten a number of pictures with our fellow cast members - and gotten a lot of mileage from it online - so I guess I was alternately emboldened ("If he's not embarrassed about asking, why am I?"), and chagrined (Again, I'm uncomfortable with flogging my small role on the show...because it's a small role on the show, it feels like really old news going on seven years down-the-road, and it just doesn't feel like that much to brag about, even if I were the bragging type - but it's pretty much the only career "hook" I've got at this point. And in this context - my professional-acting "career" - it's not "bragging" I should be ashamed of, it's "marketing/publicity" I ought to be doing).

So I asked Macy and Shanola H. and Izzy G., and they were all cool enough about it (I didn't ask Jeremy - who plays "Lip" on the show - because I've worked with him maybe three times now, and...it still just felt weird, asking an actor half-my-age "Can I get a picture with you?").

Anyway, I got a lot of "likes" on Facebook, in addition to more Instagram and Twitter followers, so it was clearly a good thing for me to "get over myself" (Which I will endeavor to do more during the season, assuming I get more episodes after shooting #3, sometime this week or next).

Work was okay today - Beyond the fact that it's the longest day of my week, with three meetings, and I tend to poop out before it's done, it's typically a fairly pleasant day (Debbie's the 1st receptionist, so she does the "heavy-lifting", in terms of the tally and counting the money and whatnot. I sometimes do the stats, and stock and do the trash...and of course, weigh people in, which is the main part of my job). Amy typically sends me for coffee at some point - I bought it today, because Elaine B was filling in for Amy - I usually play the "70's Funk" station on my Pandora app, which Debbie and me and a lot of members enjoy, and screw around probably more than I should while the meeting is going on.

I've been home since early afternoon - typically go to Ralphs after work, but didn't today - and while I wouldn't say I've been a bundle of happy, productive energy, I also haven't spent that much time wishing I were dead, or beating myself about the head-and-shoulders in anger (at myself) or frustration (about the stagnant state of...well, everything).

Seeing Louis CK tomorrow night at the Forum.

Other than wishing I could just teleport myself there (Or barring that, that I were going with someone who was driving), I'm looking forward to it - I'm a big fan, but have never seen him live.

(I guess, when I think about it, I also wish I'd been able to get tickets for tonight, when I've got nothing going on, instead of tomorrow night, which is one of my Zumba nights, and with the instructor I really like, and not the one I basically tolerate.)

I've tried to keep it on the back-burner of my thoughts, but there's an ugly-albeit-pretty-unsubstantiated rumor about Louis CK - that he has a propensity towards exposing himself to female comics, without their consent, and jerking off (In one instance, blocking the door to their escape) - which I've had a "wait and see" attitude about...until reading a recent interview with him (For Vanity Fair, I think).

When he was asked about the allegations, instead of saying what I think an innocent person would say - "No, I have never done that - I only show my dick to women that have expressed an interest in seeing it", his response was a weirdly stilted version of "What are ya gonna do? People are gonna talk shit about you".

Clearly, this doesn't prove anything...but considering he's currently my favorite comedian, that I've actually supported with my money (By, for example, paying to see him at The Forum tomorrow night), I found this tepid non-denial...disheartening.

(And I really don't need any more help in finding life disheartening right now...)

It naturally makes me think of the business with Cosby, but the difference there (Beyond the severity of the allegations in question) is that Cosby was important to me in childhood, but was someone I'd long been disappointed in for his role as conservative scold to the black community, while Louis CK is someone I like and admire right now, a person I appreciate so much as a performer/artist that I've thought, "I wish I were that guy".

So anyway, that shit's in my head right now, though I'm not really prioritizing it, considering that I'm feeling like my life is basically over and I'm essentially just waiting to die at this point, not to mention that the country I live in seems to be losing its collective fucking mind right along with me.

But I'm hoping he didn't do it/doesn't do it, and that the interview quote was him just wrong-headedly "not wanting to dignify such an off-the-wall allegation with a response".

(Wow...even a happy event like "seeing my favorite comedian in concert" can't just be a happy event...how fucked am I mentally/emotionally these days?)

Beyond the show tomorrow, and maybe my third Shameless (And meeting with the shrink on Wednesday), I'm expecting a fairly ordinary week this week - going to work, wanting there to be auditions and there not being any, continuing to be so tired I can't see straight, etc.

My therapist took the week off last week (I typically see him Tuesdays at Noon).

As I said earlier, I've started to feel kind of frustrated and angry about therapy (While, oddly enough, basically liking the guy).

I basically feel like nothing has happened (If anything, I feel worse instead of better since I started going - Though one of the few things I remember from science class/readings in psychology is "correlation is not causation", so I'm not prepared to blame therapy for my current woes just yet).

I don't know if I'm going to bring up my feelings about therapy Tuesday, or just wait till I decide to quit, then quit (Or decide not to quit, as the case may be).

Right now, I think I'd rather address the ongoing issue of why I'm so angry I fantasize about hurting myself (Beyond the punching and slapping that currently go on), how I deal with the feeling (the reality?) that "Things aren't going to get better, and will definitely get worse before it's all over", the disappointment I'm feeling about "family", and that sort of thing.

That seems more pressing than whether I'm going to continue with this mental health professional or that one, or "go it on my own" (Again, right now, it's feeling like I probably wouldn't be any worse off...though I will say that, while I'm not feeling any particular "therapeutic benefits" going on, at least in any long-form way, it's nice just having someone to talk to, or talk at, at least once a week).

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