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9:42 pm - Fri 11.25.2011
Pity Me, For I Am Un-Well

Pity Me, For I Am Un-well...

I am sick.

It's hard for me to tell sometimes, when I start to think I'm sick, whether I'm actually "sick" or just having "sinus issues" (I've never been diagnosed, but I clearly have allergies).

But I'm sick.

In addition to the runny nose, my body aches, and if I owned a thermometer (Note to self: Buy a thermometer), I'm guessing it would say I'm running a slight fever.

I know it doesn't really work this way - you don't threaten your good fortune just by appreciating it - but still, I regret recently thinking, "It's been a really long time since I've been sick...!"...cause here we are.


Thanksgiving was quite lovely this year. Went up to Santa Clarita to visit Cary and Kay.

I always enjoy seeing them (And their seven-year-old son, Donovan), and since I was last there, they've gotten a dog, a chihuahua-something mix named "Dobby" (Very cute. Very energetic).

Got up there a little before noon, and stayed till 5:00 pm or so.

Very nice time; Kay made a lovely meal (And while I didn't mean to overeat, somehow it just happened), then we just hung out and chatted and generally messed about.

I'd had a moment, a day or two previous, where I thought about calling them and cancelling, because my friends Pat and Howard didn't have anywhere to go for the holiday, and I thought maybe I'd call them and suggest we do something together.

But I decided I didn't really want to do that (And I found out later that Howard, at least, actually did have someplace to go, so my self-sacrificing gesture, if I'd actually gone through with it, would have blown up in my face).

So anyway, that was my Thanksgiving.

Things have gone a bit downhill since.

Of course, casting places weren't going to be open today, so I'm still "on the hook" regarding the Rob! audition; in this circumstance (It being down to two of us), I think they'll call regardless of the outcome (Though who knows, really?). But in any case, I figure if I don't get a call on Monday, it didn't go my way.

Figured something out between my last entry and this one - those things I listed? The things that put me in a "good position" to deal with the uncertainly of not knowing whether I'd book the role or not?

While they don't matter at all while I wait - cause on some level, I just want to win - they'll "reduce the sting" a great deal should things not "go my way"; it's something I want, because I want everything, but if I lose, it'll be easy to tell myself I didn't lose much.

The other thing, going back to my last entry?

I realized, re-reading it, that I said being asked if it was "fun" seeing myself on tv took me "to an interesting place", then I forgot to write where that "interesting place" was exactly.

Cause it's actually pretty standard stuff, when watching something I've done on tv, to first be startled at my ugliness, then "get over it" and start judging what I think of the work in question.

What was "interesting" was what popped into my head when I was thinking of my answer, which was basically, "Yes and No...and not a priority.

Getting past "Wow I'm ugly!", and past whatever judgement I make about what I did, there is a sense where seeing myself on tv is "fun", because it's me getting to "see myself succeeding" - I came out to LA to be a professional actor, and there I am, being a professional actor.

But seeing myself on tv is not the point.

You seeing me on tv is the point.

The fun comes in having the members at my WW meetings come in and say, "Hey, I saw you on tv!", and reading my Facebook comments, and having my friends be happy and excited for me.

The fun comes when "the circuit is completed", and whatever I've done reaches its intended audience.

It's fun for me that I do something that people are interested in and excited about.

And even if I struggle to feel "successful" - I'm perpetually "moving towards success" - it's nice to think lots of people do see me that way.


Sat 11/26/11 (6:00 am)

Miserable night...

Bought some "Cold-Eeez" lozenges last night (Should have bought something more, but I'm not good at buying medicine for myself; I never know exactly what to buy, and often what I have bought hasn't the store-brand decongestant I fished out of a drawer last night that had all the decongestant power of a couple of Tic-Tacs).

My sinuses and throat feel raw, my nose has been alternately plugged up and runny, and I barely slept at all.

(It's at times like this I'm pretty unimpressed with my body - How come when you need your sleep the most, it becomes absolutely impossible? Seems like that should be a natural defense mechanism when you're sick - but "this too shall pass".

...but not before I have to work three WW meetings today (Thought about trying to call someone, but by that time, it was really too late. Besides, now that I'm "full-time", at some point I have to make up meetings I miss, and with another Austin and Ally episode coming up, and possibly the Rob! gig, I don't want to get too "in the hole" in that department).

Sun 11/27/11 (6:58 pm)

Have about ten minutes before Pat picks me up (We're going to see Hugo at The Grove)...

Have been sick since Friday afternoon. Not much fun. Was actually supposed to see the movie with Pat yesterday, but I just felt too shitty (Ended up dosing myself with store-brand Nyquil, and calling it a 6:00 pm)

Feeling better than I did this time yesterday, but still feel like a zombie (Told someone yesterday that Friday night, when I got no sleep at all, made me grateful for the crappy, unsatisfying sleep I usually get).

I go into "self-pity mode" pretty quickly at times like this, in terms of not having someone to - I don't know - "ease my pain", I guess.

It just makes me feel lonelier, somehow.

Mon 11/28/11 (11:36 pm)

I've got to wrap this shit up (This whole taking days to write a single entry thing really isn't working for me)...!

Still sick. Hoping to be better before next week, when I'm back at Austin & Ally.

Looking like the Rob! thing isn't happening...which is disappointing, of course, but for reasons previously discussed, not really that big a deal.

Saw Hugo with Pat on Sunday (After begging off on Saturday, from feeling too crappy due to the aforementioned sickness); considering the movie seems tailor-made to push a number of my buttons ("Orphan boy looking for a home/family", "Movies as magical and life-affirming", etc), I was not...emotionally transported by the movie. Still wondering why.

Saw My Week With Marilyn today with Howard. We both agreed that it was not a great movie, but we also both agreed that Michelle Williams was great, and it was a tremendously entertaining movie.

Seeing The Descendents tomorrow, which I expect to like because 1) I've liked all Payne's movies so far, and 2) I like George Clooney (I've pretty much always enjoyed him onscreen, but beyond that, he just seems like a friggin' cool guy).

With Rob! probably not happening, I find myself eager to book "just one more job" before the year's over.

Could happen - I booked Budweiser last year in December - but admittedly, time is running pretty short.

Speaking of commercials, was thinking earlier about how I have never booked a Xmas-themed spot (I've rarely even auditioned for any).

Is this not a face that says, "Merry Xmas - Now go out and buy shit!"?

Well, it's past my bedtime, and I just took some store-brand Nyquil, and if I let this go one more day, I'm going to look at what I've written and delete all of it for being too damned boring.

So goodnight...!


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