3:19 pm - Sunday, May. 20, 2007
Saving The Upbeat Entry For Another Time

A lot on my mind...I hardly know where to begin...

I've been feeling pretty down lately.

Actually, I've been feeling down for awhile now. And this in spite of a couple good reasons to feel upbeat about things(1. The commercial money is still coming in--I'm getting a nice check this week from JS, which is part Snickers session fee and part a continuing payout from Propel. 2. I now have a theatrical agent; impossible to know just how good that good news is, but it has the potential to be very good).

So what's my deal?

On a physical level, I've just been feeling bad. Tired-even for me-and generally out-of-sorts.

And the overeating has gone into overdrive. I just can't seem to stop myself (ex. Last night, I came home from work and had a can of Chef Boyardee. Then I had a chicken-and-swiss cheese sandwich. Then I had a peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwich. Then I had a pudding. Then I had some peanuts).
Obviously, something is really "off" here--I tell myself "no", I tell myself I don't really want to do this, then I do it anyway--and I can't seem to find the key for getting myself back on track.

(I've tried to scare myself with the health issues of being overweight--Diabetes being a particular danger for me. I've reminded myself how much better I felt about myself when my clothes fit, or were actually loose on me, than when I'm busting out of my pants, or having to buy, as I put it, "fat boy pants"; I've imagined the good feeling I'd have from going to Mark and Jane's anniversary party and having people who haven't seen me in years see how good I look; I've even fantasized that _______ might be at the party, and taken with my air of Hollywood success, and my slim physique, might want to take me home and have sex with me. But nothing's worked..)

I know what the problem is--I'm looking for a way to feel good, to be satisfied, when nothing feels good, and "satisfaction" seem impossible to come by.

But does the fact that "I don't feel good" require I eat like a fucking hog? That's the best response I have to the struggle for meaning in my life, to have another fucking sandwich?

My other main "issue" right now, and an ongoing one, is figuring out how I can have a life here that doesn't completely center around whether or not I'm getting auditions/booking gigs.

I really do live and die by the audition. If I don't have auditions--I didn't have any this past week--I feel bad. If I have auditions, but don't book anything, I feel bad. If I have auditions and are frustrated by how I did, or frustrated by the fact that it's just a bizarro-world beauty contest (How much of a "spin" can you put on one line, or in many cases, no lines? Often, it's just a case of whether or not they like my ugly mug better than some other guy's ugly mug, and how can you feel in charge of your destiny when it's all about how you look?).

I could go on, but I'm tired of hearing myself piss and moan. Besides, if I don't get a little nap before work tonite, someone at the theatre might get hurt...

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