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10:43 AM - 07.28.14
Productive Urges

Productive Urges

Mon 7/28/14 (8:51 am)

(Well, I’m composing this in Word, hoping the punctuation will “translate” when I copy it onto Diaryland, that I’ll have remembered to do all the necessary HTML, etc. Wish me luck…)

I’ve had the urge, a couple times lately, to immediately start writing when I wake up (rather than go through my normal routine of checking email, looking at Facebook - “to see if anyone likes me” – and generally killing time web-surfing).

I had the urge again this morning.

I didn’t do it, mind you - I’ve been up for almost two hours at this point - but I had the urge.

But unlike many “urges” I have – and the less said about those, the better – this is an urge I think I should go with (Any “urge” I have that hints at productivity - in any way, shape, or form – when I’m increasingly feeling like “I don’t want to do anything anymore” , should be honored). But anyway…

In my last entry, I mentioned I’d had an entry “ripening-on-the-vine” before accidentally deleting it?

Well, there was something in that disappeared entry I actually want to address - The day or two before I’d started writing it, I was on Facebook, and there was a wave of posts of people having the most awful things happening in their lives; a female friend was assaulted, another one lost her husband to a massive heart attack, others were dealing with debilitating injuries and illnesses, etc.

And in addition to the misfortunes that were happening to my Facebook friends, there was the insanity that’s broken out all over the World (Not to mention the ongoing division and dysfunction in the U.S.).

And it struck me, I don’t think in a Pollyanna-ish way, that my problems, in contrast, are almost entirely “in my head”, mostly centered around my fears of an unhappy future.

I have some mental/emotional “issues” (And at least one physical issue – my sleeping), and those things are not nothing. It’s tough to feel the way I do – tired, anxious, depressed, etc – most of the time.

But by the same token, I’m not worrying on a daily basis whether a bomb is going to drop on my house, or dealing with the aftereffects of someone beating and trying to rape me, or wondering what I’m going to do now that the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with is gone.

I’m afraid just about all the time, and that sucks. And it’s no picnic being exhausted all the time (Telling myself I have to “take another crack at ‘the sleeping thing’”, but it’s really tough when things feel so precarious financially).

But in the here-and-now, I’m sitting in my comfortable, air-conditioned apartment, writing on my laptop, debating whether I want another cup of coffee, and planning to see Lucy (Starring my future girlfriend Scarlett Johanssen) in a few hours.

In other words, I’m “problem-free” at the moment.


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