10:43 AM - 07.28.14
Productive Urges

Mon 7/28/14 (8:51 am)

(Well, I�m composing this in Word, hoping the punctuation will �translate� when I copy it onto Diaryland, that I�ll have remembered to do all the necessary HTML, etc. Wish me luck�)

I�ve had the urge, a couple times lately, to immediately start writing when I wake up (rather than go through my normal routine of checking email, looking at Facebook - �to see if anyone likes me� � and generally killing time web-surfing).

I had the urge again this morning.

I didn�t do it, mind you - I�ve been up for almost two hours at this point - but I had the urge.

But unlike many �urges� I have � and the less said about those, the better � this is an urge I think I should go with (Any �urge� I have that hints at productivity - in any way, shape, or form � when I�m increasingly feeling like �I don�t want to do anything anymore� , should be honored). But anyway�

In my last entry, I mentioned I�d had an entry �ripening-on-the-vine� before accidentally deleting it?

Well, there was something in that disappeared entry I actually want to address - The day or two before I�d started writing it, I was on Facebook, and there was a wave of posts of people having the most awful things happening in their lives; a female friend was assaulted, another one lost her husband to a massive heart attack, others were dealing with debilitating injuries and illnesses, etc.

And in addition to the misfortunes that were happening to my Facebook friends, there was the insanity that�s broken out all over the World (Not to mention the ongoing division and dysfunction in the U.S.).

And it struck me, I don�t think in a Pollyanna-ish way, that my problems, in contrast, are almost entirely �in my head�, mostly centered around my fears of an unhappy future.

I have some mental/emotional �issues� (And at least one physical issue � my sleeping), and those things are not nothing. It�s tough to feel the way I do � tired, anxious, depressed, etc � most of the time.

But by the same token, I�m not worrying on a daily basis whether a bomb is going to drop on my house, or dealing with the aftereffects of someone beating and trying to rape me, or wondering what I�m going to do now that the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with is gone.

I�m afraid just about all the time, and that sucks. And it�s no picnic being exhausted all the time (Telling myself I have to �take another crack at �the sleeping thing��, but it�s really tough when things feel so precarious financially).

But in the here-and-now, I�m sitting in my comfortable, air-conditioned apartment, writing on my laptop, debating whether I want another cup of coffee, and planning to see Lucy (Starring my future girlfriend Scarlett Johanssen) in a few hours.

In other words, I�m �problem-free� at the moment.

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