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6:51 PM - Sat 2.17.18
The Vaping Entry (aka "How Long Have I Been Writing This...?"

I just logged on to this website's home page. Thought about how long I've been on this website, how long the website's existed, and started imagining the site...going away (Probably because the guy died).

At first I felt a sense of panic, as if I would no longer be able to communicate with the world. But I realized I could just...start a new blog.


I'm mostly high, but slightly caffeinated, trying to corral my thoughts, or at least the things that currently pass for thoughts in my head.

Had an audition yesterday. It was nothing much - a commercial where I'd have a two-word line - but it was nice to get the notice and get out and do something (The audition was for a Director who cast me once in 2006 - And never since. But he calls me in a lot anyway, straight-to-callback, so...whatever. I think it may be perverse revenge. The commercial I worked with him on is the only time, to my memory, that I ever yelled at a Director on set).

So, that'll probably not happen, which has me wishing more auditions would happen, particularly for TV stuff.

(Do I want my shoes on or off...?)

I write in here all the time about how I want to act (Cause I like it), and need to act (Because I need to make money, and it's the closest thing to a skill I have).

I think about it a lot.


Right now I'm aware I really want an acting thing to happen because that would just feel good and make me happy.

I'm also aware I really need an acting thing to happen because I'm afraid I'm going to run out of money and then have a lot of bad things happen, mainly me being hungry and homeless.

The "need" is dominating my thoughts...but the "want" is there too.

That's my way of saying yesterday's commercial audition was...bittersweet. I was happy to get it with the "I need a gig" part of my mind, but "want" was disappointed there was so little "acting" there.

So anyway, that happened...

(Took a break. Tried to do things. Thought more interesting thoughts than I'll now be able to communicate to you. Them's the breaks...)

Bigger news than another commercial audition that won't go my way anyway, I had lunch with humans this week...twice (Once was with my relatively new friend Mia, who I met when she interviewed me about foster care for a Kickstarter campaign. And once was with my friend Tim G., an actor friend who's helped me out a lot over the years).

There was a lot of "shop talk" - Mia's a writer/director, and Tim's an actor, as I believe I mentioned previously - which was fun...but the bigger deal was spending time with people I like quite a bit on my down time, which I mostly spend alone.

They're both "good people" (The inner debate - "I should write more about these two lunches, which had notable elements which might be of interest...but then, maybe I should not do that").

The socializing was supposed to continue - I was scheduled to attend a musical on Sunday night with my friend Liz, but she's had to bow out (The status is "It's complicated". Not OUR status - Her status with someone ELSE).

But the point of all this is that I was socializing/planning to socialize - This is a good thing.

I was about to write, poignantly, "Because I'm lonely".

Cause you didn't know that.

But it's not about "poignant", it's about doing something, or a series of somethings, so..."Yay me!". I tend to not want to do things, for various and sundry reasons, so almost any time I choose to do something over not, that's a good thing.

And it was nice that my social outings were enjoyable and positively reinforced this "doing" behavior.

I was about to say that was it in terms of my social calendar (And start telling you about my upcoming dentist appointment - excited yet?), but next week I'm doing something with Josh Tuesday night (Seeing an alternative comedian, don't remember her name, a woman who plays a macho guy character. He's seen her a couple times, I never have).

(Just looked at my calendar, and I've got Josh written down for a week from Tuesday. I'm gonna have to check with him on that...)

(I went to another tab, and was about to turn on a video of "The Atheist Experience" that I'm part way through listening to. Then I stopped, wondering if I could listen to that, and continue concentrating enough to write in here. But then, even more importantly, I remembered warning myself that it wasn't a good idea to listen to that show while high...and that was, maybe, 45 minutes ago, not because it scared me, but because it blew my mind. Anyway...)

I actually am mostly excited about the dentist on Monday (Not happy about spending the money, but happy, again, that I'm taking action, and getting this little look-see in, before my insurance either changes or goes away altogether. But more about that some other time).

My Dentist is pretty (Dr Orajel - Yes, that IS her real name), though "pretty" doesn't mean much when I can't see her most of the time.

But I'm not there for "pretty" anyway. I'm there, I guess, to have her check out how my teeth are holding up structurally (It kind of seems like "not that good", but I'll let her be the judge of that)...but really, I'm there to see how "the work" is holding up, if any repairs need to be made, and if any "tweaks" are in order, or possible within my virtually non-existent budget.

Just thinking about potential "tweaks" makes me think about that demarcation between "really nice" and "Ooops! Now it looks totally fake" (And how a lot of people don't seem to know when they've crossed it).

Tim complimented the work, which he's never seen "in person", which was nice (He knew me with the old teeth, while Mia is only familiar with my current grill. I like Mia).

And it seems to be holding up, I guess, I think, though it's a continual worry for me. But I can't really tell what's going on visually - Are the imperfections I'm noticing now a sign things are going a little awry with the work...or am I just "seeing the black spot on the white piece of paper", as my friend Jane Z. would say?

I don't know. But again, I presume I will consult with Dr O., and we'll decide what's best considering my virtually non-existent budget.

I'm semi-joking about the budget. It'll be stressful if I end up spending serious money on this outing, but if I really feel like I want it (for me)/need it (for acting), I'm going to just put it on a credit card, and restart that "paying it down to zero" clock.

I'm kinda avoiding bigger thoughts here, but am self-conscious about being stoned and writing stoner thoughts. Do you know what I mean?

But to give you some idea of what's currently in my head, I've been thinking for weeks about writing an entry specifically and completely about my religious journey, or my journey out of religion, or however you want to think of it.

I didn't turn that Atheist Experience video back on, ultimately, but I have, once again, turned to that show a lot recently, I think specifically in response to the current fucked-up political situation we're in (I like the world I'm living in when I listen to The Atheist Experience way better than the one I get when I tune in CNN).

And the thought I keep on having is "Man, I wish someone had been there to 'show me the way' when I was younger..." - In terms of Christianity and the rejecting of it, I got to where the hosts are by myself, but it's a tough road when you're a teenager/young adult, and you feel like you're all alone, the sole Philistine in a sea of Christianity.

But another time (It's a pretty tough journal project).

Trying to think if there's anything else, or how much longer I should write, and what I'll do with the rest of the evening if/when I stop writing...

Starting to stress about taxes. Thought I was going to go back to TaxSlayer, then decided to do TaxFyle instead, and now I'm wavering.

Still have my ticket hanging over my head. Due in April (I think. I better check). Trying to decide if I charge it or debit-card it, or both.

Wondering when Shameless will start back up. Wondering if the thing Emmy Rossum tweeted was true, and wondering if I should try to message her about it and wondering if she would ever see it and/or respond to it?

Wondering, as I do too much, about my future...

Wondering if writing about porn and masturbation is "a bridge too far" (For both of us). It's the other "big entry" I've been thinking about a lot.

I think that's it.

I'm going to do something else now.


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