2:30 am - Tues 6/15/04
Jim & Kevin's Vegas Adventure (Part II: Food And Fun)

Other than the gambling, the other things I told Kevin I wanted to do in Vegas was eat me a lot of buffet, and see some Vegas t&a. That was my idea of "The Complete Vegas Experience".

Mission accomplished.

We stayed at Circus Circus, and did the buffets there. I think the only times we ate anywhere else was when we took advantage of a half-off coupon for a hot dog and soda at one hotel-I forget which one-then ate at the Paradise Cafe, after seeing "Star Trek--The Experience" at The Hilton ("Star Trek" kicked ass, by the way. The kind of thing that makes you feel like a little kid again).

It was kind of bad news, sitting down at a table with three or four plates plates of high-fat, high calorie food in front of me, cause I felt a happiness I've rarely experienced in my adult life, and I know that's not good (I couldn't help but notice the army of fat vacationers all around us; Apparently, they enjoyed having a couple plates of high-fat, high calorie food in front of them as much, if not more, than I did).

I noticed the whole time Kevin was here--Here in L.A., and in Vegas--that I really enjoyed food anywhere we went. I mean, I like to eat in general, but I often wanted to clap my hands with glee in the middle of our meals. I wondered if it was because I was paying more attention to the experience than I typically do when I'm by myself, or if food just tastes better when you have someone there to enjoy it with.

But back to the buffets...

With our first buffet, I acted like that was the last food I was ever going to eat. But by Saturday morning, I was kind of over the buffet, though not so "over" it that I didn't still shovel in enough calories to feed a family of four (We timed it just right; they were switching over from breakfast to lunch, so we ended up with breakfast entrees and lunch desserts--My idea of a perfect meal. Though by the time I was headed to the desserts, I was so full, I only ended up with a piece of cherry pie, and not the three desserts I'd normally have in that circumstance).

Kevin's made a lot of changes in his diet in recent years, and even though he was probably "going nuts" relative to the way he eats at home, I noticed he was still eating better than I was at these buffets (Kevin, who's about my height, now weighs something under 200 lbs; I, on the other hand, can't remember the last time I weighed less than 200 lbs. The closest I've come in recent years was 207, when I had a bad bout of mysterious "morning sickness" early on during my time in L.A.).

So the excess of Vegas--And I don't think it was a coincidence that I was majorly constipated during my time there--along with Kevin's good example, has led me back to the idea that I have to get control over my eating. I really don't want to go through the rest of my life a fat, sloppy mess.

But we'll save my diet/weight concerns for another entry...

(And here's the part of my entry rated "M" for "mature". SERIOUSLY--I advice you not to read further if you're easily embarrassed or offended.)

I was horny as hell my whole time in Vegas, probably in part because my typical masturbatory activity had been radically curtailed for a week by entertaining Kevin in my small single apartment.

But I was also titillated by the idea of legalized prostitution in Nevada (Though it's not actually legal in Vegas). And on every corner in Vegas, there was either someone handing out escort service flyers, or a kiosk with circulars advertising "Hot women, straight to your room in 30 minutes".

With it looking increasingly unlikely that I'll ever have an actual sexual relationship again, the idea of buying some sex with a more attractive woman than I could ever get in "real life" anyway seems pretty appealing.

(I know it's probably wrong to want to order a woman to my specifications, like ordering a pizza--"I'd like an innocent looking blonde, with a pretty face, a great ass, and a sweet disposition"--but if I want that, and someone wants to accomodate me, why the hell not?)

I joked a little about how maybe Kevin could entertain himself in the casino for awhile so I could conduct just this sort of transaction, but in all honesty, I would have been way too chicken to actually go through with it.

I'd be afraid of getting ripped off, for one thing (Who knows exactly who you're letting into your hotel room?), and for another thing, I recognized any number of the "actual recent photos" from over five years ago, if not longer, when Chris and Mitzi went to Vegas, and brought some of the circulars home for me as "souvenirs".

And beyond all that, there was the issue of "performance anxiety"; We may be talking about a hooker here, who could probably care less whether you shoot your load in 30 seconds, can't get off at all, or demonstrate any dysfunction or ineptitude in between, just so long as you pay her for her time. But a bad performance on my part (And it's been a decade since I've "performed" on this particular "stage") would still be tough for me to handle emotionally (Though when I think about it, I don't know what exactly constitutes a "bad performance" when you're talking about sex with a hooker).

On my own, I might have gone through with it anyway, but probably not; I think I'd be much more comfortable going to one of Nevada's legalized brothels than taking my chances on who, or what, would have been knocking on my hotel room door if I followed up on a "personal ad".

It's funny�There are all kind of "personals" in the back of L.A. Weekly, but I've given very little thought to following up on any of those. I guess I was really "sucked in" by the whole "I'm on vacation" thing. You know-- "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas", and all that (Seriously, I think that's one of the more effective ad slogans in recent memory).

We saw one topless review�"Crazy Girls"�at the Riviera.

They started with this 7 or 8 minute long "advertisement"�mostly, clips of news stories about them, their appearances on Howard Stern, Craig Kilborn, etc and so on�that really pissed me off. I wanted to yell, "Hey! We're already here! Enough with the commercial, okay? Start the @#$!! show!".

Then when it did start, they were doing these awful, lip-synched "comedy" songs, and I thought, "Oh God, it's not all going to be like this, is it?" (I don't want to look at naked women for laughs. If I want comedy, I'll listen to one of my Richard Pryor cds).

But once we got past the lamest female m.c. ever�I could gotten up and done better off-the-cuff than she did�and the lame attempts at "burlesque", it ended up being a pretty good show (In the middle, they brought on a juggler; At that point, I was prepared to throw something myself. But he was actually pretty entertaining).

The first thing that got my attention�in a good way--was when they pulled back an upstage curtain, and the backstage wall was mirrored.

Very nice.

Then when they started doing some individual numbers, and dropped the dumb lip-synching, things got more interesting.

One of the dancers did a ballet-type routine in and around a circular frame that was very pretty (And "naked and pretty" can be very nice).

Then another dancer did a routine to some Led Zeppelin song I'd never heard before, undulating on and around this chair that looked like a cross between an easy chair and a chaise lounge (I leaned over to Kevin at that point and said, "This is more what I had in mind..."). It was the first thing in the show that really "worked" for me.

Another dancer did a routine to that Madonna song�"Human Nature"?�starting out in a long black leather coat and matching black leather cap (I don't think of myself as that "kinky", for the most part, but turns out I'm pretty okay with leather. You can leave the whips and chains at home�I think life is painful enough, frankly�but if you want to "dress up" a bit, that would be all right). This was probably the routine I thought would be most at home in a nice strip club�And I mean that in a good way (It was hot).

Not much of the group stuff worked for me.

There was a girl/girl thing, done in dim light, that was tasteful and erotic ("They're actually just good friends", Kevin joked).

And there was one thing, that started with four dancers lying on their backs, legs up in the air, revolving in a circle, that initially made me want to laugh (The first image that leapt to mind was of the "Blooming Onion" appetizer at Chi-Chis), but ended up being quite lovely.

My overall impression was pretty favorable, but I wouldn't go so far as to say it was worth the money Kevin shelled out for it (It was 40-some dollars a pop to sit four rows from the back. The "VIP" seats were 70-something, and let me tell you�there was nothing that happened on that stage that was worth paying $70!).

I felt pretty guilty afterwards, that Kevin shelled out all that money for something he didn't really have any interest in�Being gay like he is�so I offered to go with him to Chippendales or The Thunder Down Under the next day, but he declined (I think it was partly his knowing I wouldn't get much out of it, and partly a concern that it would be the two of us and a couple hundred middle-aged women. Which come to think of it, would have been pretty weird...).

The next day, we were going to see a show called "Bottoms Up" (Or "The Best of Bottoms Up"), cause we had some kind of two-for-one coupon, and it only required a $5 drink minimum in the first place, but we ended up going to the wrong casino.

But there�I can't remember where "there" was right now-- we saw a free show called AirPlay, which was very short, but that we both liked quite a bit. I liked the act with two female aerialists. And the last act�it was an aerial/gymnastic kind of thing�provided "something for both of us", as Kevin said; The guy was quite handsome and well built�strong without looking like a steroid monster�while the woman was pretty (And a contortionist to boot!), and the act was pretty sexy, considering everyone kept their clothes on.

On Friday night, at midnight, I wanted to go to Gilley's and see the "bikini bull riding". Quite simply, I thought it might change my life (Have I mentioned I was really horny the whole time I was in Vegas?).

And we did walk down there�After checking out the downtown area "Fremont Street Experience" (An entry in itself!)-- but Kevin was dead on his feet at that point, and I was pretty tired myself, and as we stood in a long line and moved closer to the door, the place looked packed to the rafters, and I just don't enjoy that kind of crowd experience anymore, so we left.

At the other show we saw ("Star Trek�The Experience"at The Hilton), no one got naked, but it was still pretty cool.

Initially, when I read that the "ride" was 18 minutes long, I balked at the $29.99 admission price (I was paying my own way at that point, since I'd been the big winner at the tables), but when I learned it was two separate "rides" ("Borg Invasion" and "Klingon Encounter") I had a change of heart.

And I was glad I did. The "experience" was a great mix of live-action actors, 3-D and motion simulators, and it was all very well done.

I think my favorite bit in the "Borg Invasion" part was when the Borg Queen told us we were about to be "assimilated", and suddenly my chair poked me in a couple different spots, simulating the "assimilation" (It was a pretty low-tech effect, but it caught me totally by surprise, which was fun).

In the "Klingon Encounter", I think my favorite thing happened right at the beginning. The group of us were in a small, circular space, then the "power went out", and when it came back up, we were in the "Transporter Room" of The U.S.S. Enterprise (They'd managed to "transport" us at the last second). Kevin and I were both mystified at how they did that.

I've never experienced that kind of "ride" before, and it was really fun. Well worth the money.

Well, I could go on�Like I said, the "Fremont Street Experience" could be an entry in itself�but I think I've probably said enough about Vegas.

It was fun enough that I hope I'll get to go back again sometime.

Well, it's gotten quite late�or quite early, depending on your point of view�and I think I'm going to copy this into Diaryland before I re-read it and have a change of heart�and then go to bed...

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