10:55 am - Sat 6/24/06
Well, I was a little nervous about breakfast with Joe R. yesterday (Which I guess was actually an early lunch, since we both ended up ordering sandwiches); I only ever talked with Joe for minutes at a time when we worked together at Borders, and was worried we might not have a whole meal's-worth of conversation between us.
But it was fine--We were together about an hour-and-a-half, the conversation never lagged, we had a lot of laughs, and Joe picked up the check (Unlike my pretty- much-lateral move from Borders to ArcLight, Joe improved his fortunes a great deal when he left Borders to work security at Cedars-Sinai).
When we were done, I went out and took a look at his motorcycle, a black Honda Shadow.
(The Honda Shadow, a low-riding "cruiser", is the bike I'd buy myself if I were in a position to do so. Probably red-and-white instead of black, though, with a couple of saddle-bags. But anyway...)
Joe seems pretty happy with life as a motorcyclist. Like everyone I've talked to who rides out here, he stresses the need for riding defensively, but beyond that, I think he rides the way I'd ride--He doesn't race to get from one place to another, but gives himself the time he needs to get where he's going, and "takes it easy". He's got a motorcycle not so much for speed or the thrill of it, but for gas mileage and convenience.
(Okay, and maybe because it's pretty cool, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that.)
I woke up this morning feeling lonely and bored.
(How can you wake up and immediately feel bad? I just don't get it. But nevertheless, here we are.)
Yesterday, I thought I would take a bus to Santa Monica, bum around, check out the beach, but it didn't work out; I went down to the bus stop on 3rd street, and felt myself pooping out while just waiting for the bus, so when the bus finally pulled up and it was SRO, that just seemed too daunting, and my big day trip to Santa Monica was suddenly reduced to a 2 square block walk around my neighborhood.
I have a $30 g.c. to Starbucks that Gail gave me, and I still have a good chunk of that Target g.c. that Cary and Kay gave me.
So I have things I can do today that wouldn't cost me any money; it's not the anxiety of "spending money I don't have" that's keeping me housebound (I also need to get an oil change. Which would cost money, but is something that needs to get done sometime soon).
So since I can "go out to play" relatively guilt-free, what's my problem?
Well, I'm tired. I'm always tired. That said, it's pretty much always easier for me to not do something than to do something, whatever that "something" may be (Add to that my post-operative situation, and I'm afraid that if I venture too far, I'm going to poop out midway through the trip, and have an unpleasant time getting back home).
But beyond my usual fatigue, or my recent surgery, what really makes it difficult for me to "get myself out the door" on a day like today is fear.
Remember how I recently said that pretty much everything I do in my personal life is an effort to "comfort myself"? Well, this is exactly what I was talking about--When I go "out in the world", there's always the chance I will end up feeling bored, or lonely, or insignificant, and be confronted with unhappy feelings I'd rather avoid feeling.
At home, I have all kinds of things that insulate me from those bad feelings--The tv, the computer, the food in my fridge, my bed, etc and so on-- things that make life, and the world between my ears, feel a little more manageable.
But here I am, in my filthy "inner sanctum", with all my distractions, and I'm feeling lonely and bored--and yes, insignificant--so obviously, something's not working out.
So I'm going out. Somewhere. And I'm going to do...something.
And maybe I'll end up having a really nice day. Or maybe I'll keep wrestling with feeling sad.
But I won't know till I get out there, will I?
See ya later...
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