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8:57 PM - Fri 5.09.14
I WANT It...But I Don't NEED It

I WANT it...but I don't NEED it.

Had a commercial audition earlier today.

There wasn't much to it. I guess it went okay.

It was in Santa Monica at 4:30 (Every working actor complains about late-afternoon auditions in Santa Monica. And sometimes it does feel like they sadistically schedule auditions just to force actors to drive home in rush-hour traffic).

Anyway, as I was driving there, I actually tried some of the "affirmations" from the Jack Plotnick lecture a few weeks back; I said, over and over, "I want this job, but I don't need this job", and "I release my need to be perfect".

I felt a little silly, but really, those are pretty valid sentiments to express before an audition - I have definitely "screwed the pooch", on more than one occasion, by allowing my anxiety over "needing" the gig to fuck me up.

And I know I've left auditions wanting to kill myself because I "messed up", or didn't think of "the best way to do the scene" (?) till I was back in my car.

And that need for "perfection" (Which is silly - how is there just one, "perfect" way to do a scene?), has probably screwed me up during auditions, and has certainly drained the pleasure from the experience.

And I'm pretty sure one of the secrets of booking gigs - and of being enjoyable to watch in general as an actor/performer - is when people sense, on some level, how much fun you're having.

Besides, what's the point of doing this shit if it's no fun?


Mon 5/12/14 (8:35 am)

Been having car issues the past number of weeks - Got a new battery, but the car wasn't starting (On about a once-a-week basis).

I won't regale you with the whole saga - of back-and-forths to the mechanic, racing to work on my bike (When the car wouldn't start), worrying about a looming major repair, etc - because I think that shit is boring.

I'll just say it's been very stressful, having a car that might start - or might not - anytime I got behind the wheel (Or not having a car at all because it was "in the shop").

So I'm glad the problem has been diagnosed - I need a new alternator - and that I will, hopefully, soon be getting back a dependable set-of-wheels.

All this vehicular drama did lead to an interesting new experience, however; when I had an appointment on Tuesday in Studio City (More on that momentarily), and I had time constraints which would have made the Metro unworkable, I used Lyft for the first time.

(Lyft, for the uninitiated, is a ride service, where you download an app on your smartphone, then, when you need a ride somewhere, you tap a Lyft driver in the neighborhood, they take you where you need to go, and the fare is automatically deducted from whatever card you've given them when you sign up.)

As I told someone afterward, "I'm glad I don't need to do it all the time...but I wish I could do it all the time"; not sure it would be "cost-effective" to just say "Okay, I'm not going to have a car anymore - I'll just use Lyft", but I sure did enjoy how easy and (relatively) stress-free it was (And the "stress" was really only about anxiety over it being the first time I was doing it).


The appointment on Tuesday was to interview with a potential new theatrical agent.

I've had my current agent - who's actually my second agent - for about five years now.

She's what you would call a "starter agent" - the first agent you can get when you're starting out in the business and have no credits (And she was literally starting, as an agent, when she took me on) - and I'm beyond a "starter agent" at this point. I need someone who is a little more savvy, and can exert a little more influence to get me the bigger, better auditions.

I need it, and I've earned it.

And the agent I was interviewing with - Brianna at Clear Talent - is one Brett (my manager) is already working with (She represents some of his other clients). He likes her, and - more importantly - he trusts her.

(Probably the most telling thing he said to me before the interview was that, my current agent comes to him for advice in how to conduct herself as my agent (How much money she should ask for, etc), while he goes to Brianna for advice on how to help his clients advance their careers.)

This is only the third time I've done this in the past 13 years, so I'm not exactly an "old hand" at it, and while I felt pretty positive about her afterwards, I wasn't nuts about me; I thought I kind of babbled, and probably didn't come off the way I wanted to.

But that said, she agreed to the meeting on the strength of my credits (And the clips Brett sent her), and I imagine I'm not the first nervous, overeager actor she's ever talked to, so I imagine she got enough of a sense of me that it might work out.

And as Mr Plotnick might say, "I want her to sign me...but I don't need her to sign me".

(But if this doesn't happen, and there are more agent interviews in my future, I need to work on "calming myself down" before walking into the room. I want people to see what I want them to see, not just another needy actor.)


So it was Mothers Day yesterday.

I'd sent my Mother a card - no gift-certificate this year (apparently I'm not feeling quite as confident about money as I was last year) - but I procrastinated most of the day before finally calling her.

(I couldn't call her in the morning because I worked. But I was home by early afternoon, and didn't talk to her till around 9:30 pm, her time.)

It always feels awkward talking to her - we don't have any shared history, after all (At least after that initial first year together), and whether talking on the phone or corresponding, she never thinks she "has anything to say" (Unlike Yours Truly), so getting any kind of conversation going is like pulling teeth - but I seem to feel, oddly enough, a sense of obligation, I don't know why (And Lori - my sister-in-law - has relayed, more than once, that as awkward as it feels to me, my Mom really enjoys hearing from me).

Mom mentioned she'd seen me on a couple episodes of Shameless, and it occurred to me afterward that was a fantasy I used to have come true; imagining, back when I didn't know my mother, that someday I'd be famous and she'd end up seeing me on tv (Or probably, when I was a little kid, in the movies).

I posted a picture on Facebook yesterday - the only picture I have - of Mrs DeHaven, my first foster-mother (And really, the person entitled to be called my "Mom" if anyone is), and felt a little sad that the woman who was my Mom is gone, while the woman who gave birth to me is just some "nice old lady" I have periodically awkward contact with.

I think this might be "as good as it gets" with my Mom - that she gets to know I'm not mad at her about what happened, and I get to know she's proud of me (I'm not that proud of me, mind you, but from where she's sitting, as abandoned children go, I'm probably a damn sight more impressive than a drug-addict ex-con who only comes around when he needs money. And the other kid's dead, so he's out of the mix altogether).

I don't really know what more there is to get from knowing my mother at this point. Can't really un-do the past, or create a relationship that would have taken a lifetime to build.

But that said, I do feel...something.

Maybe it's a rare, generous impulse on my part - she can't really do anything for me, but maybe I can make her feel a little better about a past she's clearly uncomfortable with - but I doubt it.

Cause that doesn't really sound like me.


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