10:04 am - April 4.01.2008
Not sure why I've been procrastinating on this, because the news is good; lost 1.4 lbs this week, which brings me down to 224.6 lbs (That's 43.8 lbs to date, with less than 30 lbs to go to my "target weight" of 195 lbs).
I wouldn't mind if I were losing a little faster and/or on a more regular basis, but this is probably "the way of things" now (And that's ok - it's not like it's a race or anything; I'm just eager to get to the part where I'm not paying any money. And, of course, just to see what I look like at 195 lbs).
(I wanted to say, "...which is a weight I haven't been at since _____ ", when I realized I can't remember when I last weighed 195 lbs.)
At this point, it should be pretty clear that weight loss is not a straight shot from where you're at to where you're going, but it's still hard for me not to get down/frustrated over the fits and starts from week to week, no matter what anyone tells me (Or what I tell myself).
But happily, however I may feel from week to week, whatever the ebb and flow, I have concrete stats telling me I've made phenomenal progress since I began.
And this past week, I bought four pair of new work pants, two sizes down from the old ones (from a 42" waist to a 38"). And I imagine losing the remaining 29 lbs will be good for at least one more size-reduction.
This week's meeting topic was "emotional eating" (Or as I've sometimes referred to it, "Eating like a fat person").
It's a fairly recent thing for me to even realize I "eat like a fat person" (Though saying it that way implies I wasn't actually a fat person, but was merely "playing one on tv". But at 268 lbs, I clearly wasn't "playing" a fat person, I was a fat person).
Beyond any physical need, I eat to make myself feel better, basically. Whether it's because I'm tired and physically depressed, and need a lift, or I'm bored and don't know what to do with myself, or I'm stressed and anxious because of money/career concerns, food provides a temporary lift, a distraction and a comfort.
And as I've thought more than once, overeating is pretty perfect for a guy like me; I get to enjoy the eating, then I get to enjoy feeling bad about it afterwards.
It's win-win that way.
(The only downside? You become a fat tub of goo in the process.)
Food is pretty versatile; I want to eat when I feel bad, but it's also the first thing I think of when I think of "celebrating" (Though, interestingly enough, I can avoid the impulse to "celebrate" by eating easier than I can avoid the impulse to "comfort myself" the same way).
At this point, while I'll sometimes do other things to distract/comfort myself from my bad feelings, I mostly still go to food when I feel tired/bored/unhappy.
Hopefully, now that I'm doing the CPAP thing, the tiredness part of the equation will mostly go away (And I imagine less fatigue will mean less depression as well).
As for the "boredom" (Which I think is the main reason I eat when I'm not really hungry)...well, I find the idea of eating to relieve boredom kind of odd in the first place - I don't think eating is an inherently "interesting" activity - so it makes sense to me to find other, more effective (And healthier) outlets.
Like this, for example.
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