10:05 pm - Mon 6.30.2008
Well, in line with how things have been going at WW the past couple months, after losing 1.4 lbs last week, this week I gained back a fraction-of-a-pound.
For those keeping score, that puts me at 215.2 lbs, 10-lbs-and-change from WW employment, and 20-lbs-and-change from my 195 lb goal.
It might sound dumb, but even though the uptick in my weight was minor, I was really disappointed; I liked being a flat 215 lbs. It had a nice "ring" to it. It "rolled off the tongue", if you will.
But I have a feeling "195 lbs" will "roll off the tongue" even better :)
After the weigh-in, I did the same dance I do every week when the scale doesn't go my way - I wondered and worried if I went wrong somewhere, or if "that's just the way the weight's coming off now - slowly".
It's a dance I'm frankly getting bored with.
Clearly, there's been a pattern for awhile now - a decent loss, followed by a couple weeks of "nothing to write home about". But it's hard to tell if I'm doing okay, and the "pattern" is out-of-my-control (i.e. my body's going to be "fighting me" on these last twenty pounds, and I just have to "deal with it"), or if I'm subtly "slacking off" somehow, subconsciously "taking a breather" after each of the weeks where I have a good weigh-in, before getting back to "the task at hand".
Seems like I should have been able to figure this out by now, but that internal debate goes on - "Is this 'normal', or have I been 'a bad boy' this week...?".
But I'm in unchartered territory here (I've never seriously tried to lose weight before, and I've never lost so much weight before), so I guess it's okay that I don't always know the way.
After putting this week's weight into the online "weight-tracker" (If you sign up for the WW "monthly pass" membership, you have access to the "Members Only" part of the website), it suggested I redo the little point-calculating quiz.
So I did. And as of tomorrow, I'm down to 33 pts a day (For the record, I started at 40).
(I'm tempted to go into the ins and outs of the points system, but I don't want any of you to kill yourselves out of boredom, so I'll spare you.)
In my last WW entry, I'm afraid I was a little Pollyanna-ish; yes, it's true that things are, by and large, much easier for me than when I started with WW, but I'm still struggling, and feeling tempted, and wrestling with self-defeating thoughts, more than I let on in here(And why is that? If I'm bothering to write about this process, I should be writing about it honestly).
But at least I am "wrestling" with my self-defeating thoughts, and not letting them rule the day.
That way, despairing over the fact that I've lost 53 lbs and still have a substantial role of flab around my middle ("What the @#!! is up with that...?") doesn't mean giving up altogether and becoming a big fat tub of goo again.
It just means the work continues.
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