12:33 pm - Mon 1/31/05
The Old Guy Dancing Around The Ward

Mon 1/31/05

I imagine a lot of people think they're at war with the world, when in actuality, the world could really care less.

And when I think about it, I'm not logging any more "alone time" than usual, which makes me wonder, "Why am I lonely now, as opposed to sometime last month or last year or whenever?".

I'm checking my cell phone every 10 or 15 minutes, logging on constantly to see if I've gotten an email, or whether anyone's online to talk to. Wanting to call someone on the phone, but not knowing who to call, or even what I'd want to say.

Feeling disconnected.

Alone.

But that's just how I'm feeling right now. I'm not really any more "separate" than I was last week, or the week before that, or the week before that.

I don't mean that I can't do them, that I "screw them up" somehow. Cause there's not much to "screw up", really�You go in, they take your picture, you leave, and that's pretty much it.

And there's the rub: There's nothing you can do about it, there's no "acting" involved, and the outcome feels even more out of your hands than a regular audition, where you can convince yourself that you might sway them with your awesome talent.

I've never booked one of these things, and I always leave feeling pretty deflated, like "What was the point of that?".

It's tempting to call JS and say "I don't want to go out for print stuff anymore", but I can' t be in the business of limiting my opportunities�For all I know, my "big chance" will come when some casting director says "Hey, I saw this weird looking guy in a magazine ad the other day who'd be perfect for the Tarantino project...".

The initial Notary class is on the 28th of next month, I think from 9:00-2:00 (Or maybe 2:30).

I'm taking that day off from work, because I want it to be a day of celebration, and if I have to sit in a classroom for five hours, trying to absorb what will probably be pretty dull material, then slog through a day at the bookstore till 11:30 p.m., the last thing I'll be feeling by the end is "celebratory".

I signed up for the second class assuming I'll pass the first one (Which is a pre-requisite. I think you also have to be a licensed Notary at that point). I'm sure it'll be fine�I have to assume there are dumber people than me out there who are Notary Publics.

In the "comments" area, "Ara" writes, "I think it's funny that your nameplate on the �Dish' commercial has your real name".

I got a big kick out of that, and it's actually the second time they wanted to use my name in a commercial; the original cut of the HBO spot had me introducing myself as "Jim Hoffmaster, president of the American Watercooler Association" (Before they basically replaced me with a British actress's voiceover).

Apparently, it's a good name for commercials.

To that end, yesterday I bought a DVD of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, one of my all-time favorite films.

It doesn't have a lot of extras, but I just finished watching the movie, and a "making of" documentary, and when I get home from work tonite, I'll probably watch the commentary (With Milos Foreman and the two producers, Saul Zaentz and Michael Douglas).

When I first saw the movie, a million years ago, of course I fantasized that I was "R.P. McMurphy", but as I watched the movie this morning, I realized that I'd be more likely to be cast as the guy who just says "I'm tired...I'm tired..." all the time (Or in another 10 or 15 years, the old guy you see dancing around the ward).

I know I'm not likely to be a "star", but just a "working actor", scrambling for any gig I can get. But I hope, in whatever career I have for however long I have it, there'll be two or three things I can look at with real pride, and say "I was a really important part of that project".

I also bought a DVD of Stevie Ray Vaughan, of the two shows he did for "Austin City Limits". Watching the show from 1983, I found myself regretting that I never got to see him live. I have a feeling that would be the kind of thing you'd remember all your life.

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