11:55 AM - Mon 9.26.16
Well, I've basically got two things on my mind today...
Tonight is the first debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.
I don't want to waste a lot of time litigating the election, so I'll just say this - Recently I was thinking about how, while I was not a fan of Reagan or Dubya, I never thought they were overtly evil (Dumber than I want my Presidents to be, certainly, and misguided - terribly, terribly misguided - but not outright evil).
Trump is outright, overtly evil, the worst human being who's been this close to the Presidency (Maybe ever...but at least in my adult lifetime).
And his victory in the Republican primaries was deeply, profoundly depressing - I simply did not, do not, want to believe so many of my fellow citizens are that racist,sexist, and stupid, to buy into what he's selling (Which, when it comes down to it, is really just "Donald Trump").
Hillary, on the other hand, is a politician - I wish she were warmer and more charismatic (I think that matters in a President), less hawkish, and less secretive. But at the same time, I think she's smart, capable, tough, that her "heart's in the right place", and that she can do the job from Day One (While I'm convinced Trump doesn't really want the "job" so much as the "position", and is fundamentally unequipped to do the job regardless of whether he wants it or not).
So the debate tonight strikes me as very important, more important than these things usually are.
And I'm afraid - Mostly that "the expectations game" wildly favors Trump over Clinton (And he'll be said to have "won" if he knows anything about anything and doesn't say anything too crazy or stupid, while all the Clinton critiques will be about how she knows a lot of "facts" and "details", but wasn't sufficiently warm and cuddly).
(My current conundrum is whether to watch the debate live, or go to Zumba, and just scan for recaps and clips when I get back home - keep an eye out for my next entry, for the resolution to that cliffhanger...!)
Was surprised this weekend, when I spent much of the time, particularly at work, all happy and excited, because I was maybe gonna book this big commercial in Toronto.
I'm surprised that, even though I had a strong mental thing telling me this was "Superman swooping down to drop me from even higher", I still just couldn't help but feel hopeful.
I wanted something exciting to happen. I wanted to post a "win". I wanted to have an adventure
But not this time...because I just got notice from JS (My commercial guy) - I didn't book it.
I was already heading back down emotionally today, thinking it hadn't gone my way, based on my previous assumption that, if they decided I was "the man" (And yesterday was the day that was supposed to happen), that's happy news to deliver, and they would have called us sooner rather than later (I was hoping for a call by at least mid-morning).
I'm disappointed, very depressed - Sometimes I can't help but build up a "head of steam" about these things, even though I know that's just deadly for an actor's mental health - and fighting an inexplicable rage at myself.
It's "inexplicable", in this case, because I clearly didn't do anything wrong - Making it through the auditions, and the callback, and being put on avail, means I did everything I was supposed to do.
So I'm trying to figure out "what my deal is"...
Am I mad at myself for daring to hope?
For some irrational belief that I failed, because I didn't somehow make myself "undeniable"?
Am I just feeling the urge to vent upon myself because I want to cry and can't, and there's no one else to be angry at? Is it just a build up of pressure that I want to somehow release?
Is it that, for some reason, I'm not supposed to be sad about this? Am I angry at myself for being "weak"?
Or is it "A little from columns A, B, C, and D"?
I guess I know what I'll be talking about in therapy tomorrow...
Meanwhile, I feel my bed calling me - time to try and "not be here for awhile"
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