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9:55 AM - Sun 11.01.20
Just looked over the scenes for this coming week's Shameless (Which is episode #1105, if you're keeping track) - Not a big Kermit episode (and it's gotten even less-so in rewrites), but it'll be nice to be on-set kinda-sorta doing something. Speaking of Shameless, got a pleasant surprise on Friday - They're doing something with the Regulars involving flashbacks...and Yours Truly is in the one with Kev and V. So I'll be shooting that on Friday and/or Monday (In my mind, this goes some way toward making-up for my not being in two of the first six episodes...and working only one day when I was supposed to work two on episode #1103). All this means, essentially, that I'm nearing the half-way point of the final season. Not that I'm nervous about the show ending or anything - I mean, it's not like I don't have a well-paying day job, or that Shameless has been the primary thing that's kept me solvent in the past decade or anything like that. Right? (Oops! I'm five minutes late for "Church"...!) In any case, right here, right now, I am doing fine financially. Well enough, actually, that I think I'm as well off, if not better off, than at this point last year (So for now, "Yay!"). Physically, mentally, emotionally, however? That's a little more...amorphous? Ambiguous? Some other "A" word that's not coming to mind at the moment? In recent days, I have been struggling a bit - feeling sad or anxious or angry at the drop-of-a-hat - but there have also been many days over the past year where I've been just fine (Sometimes better than "just fine" - For just one example, this has been the longest period of time I haven't had to work at a job I, by-and-large, didn't want to do in the first place, and that has often made me quite happy). But I don't really want to focus on my "feelings". I've done that a lot over my life and it hasn't seemed to be particularly helpful. Moving forward, I think it behooves me to focus more on my thoughts and actions - That seems the best way to actually change unpleasant emotional states. One thought I've been considering a lot lately concerns my efforts to..."explore my creativity". Pretty much my entire adult life, I have thought some variation of "I should work on my talents/skills more..." - Acting, Singing, Dancing, Drawing, Being Funny, etc Why "should" I? Well, that's varied - "Because God wants me to", "Because then I'd be more impressive and people would like me more", "Because I might make more money", etc. For whatever reason, I have always been one to "should" on myself. And, in a nutshell, it hasn't been helpful. Recently, I saw something online that suggested it might be more helpful, than thinking of "working on one's talents" for some "reason", that you basically just do shit because you want to do it, because it feels good. And - and this is really important for me - not worry so much about "mastering" a given talent/skill. Basically, to do what you want to do without an "end game" of some sort. Which, for me, might be a question of "getting back to basics" - I don't remember starting to draw, or act, or write, or dance, with some sort of agenda. There was just something about it that was appealing, so I did it (And when I seemed to have some facility for it, it then kinda "stuck"). It's probably not possible for me to totally get "should" off the table, to not have some impure "agenda" for expressing/exploring my abilities more...but I think it is possible to make the primary reason I do these things "because it feels good" and make any other consideration secondary (Or "third-ary"?) to that. And paradoxically, if I'm doing what I do primarily because I enjoy it, it's very possible that will serve me better in the long-run practically/pragmatically - If I do the things I do because I enjoy doing them, that enjoyment is probably going to be communicated through me, and is probably more an honest expression of me than "trying to make my hobbies saleable" or what-have-you. And I think that's as close to interesting as I'm gonna get today, so I'm gonna call this one. Till next time...
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