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8:18 am - Fri 7.26.2013



I have a dilemma.

For awhile now, I've been a good deal over my "goal weight" of 200 lbs ("A good deal over my goal weight" meaning almost 25 lbs. Though looking on the bright side, I did lose 1.6 lbs this past week).

That twenty-five lbs has gone almost completely to my belly, which means I'm busting out of all my size 36 pants.

For an audition tomorrow, as a retail store manager, I have to dress in a polo shirt and black work pants (Which, interestingly enough, is how I often dress "In real life" - Just a couple days ago, someone asked me for assistance when I was shopping at Ralphs because I had on the exact outfit as the employees. This has also happened at Target, so clearly, I need to work on a "look" that doesn't say "retail wage slave").

But while I want to get away from "retail wage slave" in real life, I bought a new polo shirt this evening - a light blue one - because the only decent polo shirts I have right now are black and dark blue.

And I want to tuck that shirt into my pants, as I think a store manager would...but I don't want to look like "ten pounds of crap in a five-pound sack".

But I don't want to buy another pair of "fat boy pants", as I think of size 38s (I've already bought one pair, after holding the line for months); I don't want to give myself "permission" to be at my current weight by making it comfortable.

And "on the flip-side", I don't want to spend money on clothes that will - hopefully - soon not fit me.

But "ya gotta do what ya gotta do", right?


Thurs (10:20 pm)

Well, turns out, you don't "gotta do what ya gotta do" - ended up just "sucking it in" at today's audition...which I think actually kinda "worked" for the part (Editor's note: It's hard to "shop locally". I try from time-to-time - usually out of laziness, but also from a genuine desire to "do the right thing" - but more often than not they don't have what I need, and when they do, it's prohibitively expensive).

Anyway, the audition in Santa Monica (Not at the regular place, but the other one, just a couple blocks down from where I work at WW on Wednesday mornings)- was pretty fun. It was just a line, but the camera guy worked with me, having me do three or four different takes, and I left with that nice "I have a decent shot" feeling I like to have.

Since I got home, I've been thinking about how much easier it is "managing my mood" when I have an audition or two under my belt than when nothing's happening (And this is my second commercial audition in little more than a week; that, and an email casting newsletter I got today hawking listings for Modern Family and Suburgatory, suggests things are kinda/sorta starting back up).


Fri (6:52 pm)

Worked at WW this morning for the first time in weeks...

(I mean "I worked on Friday morning for the first time in weeks".)

I thought afterward about the contradiction of not wanting to work at WW - or anywhere, really - and knowing that I'd probably have a tough time emotionally if I didn't, at least for awhile (I'm assuming a situation where life was pretty much the way it is right now, but I didn't have to work for whatever reason).

Sometime back, I was crying to Cary about my fear that I've basically "maxed out" where I'm at, that for the rest of my life, I'm always going to be working a straight job, while acting almost-but-never-quite-happens for me.

And Cary surprised me by saying, "What if?".

The idea of this being where I "peak" is pretty terrifying, because this constitutes "getting by" in my mind...and it's a really short trip from "getting by" to "going under", with not much room for things to slow down, for me to get older, etc.

It would also be pretty hugely disappointing in "narrative terms"; from where I started to where I am now does not constitute "triumphing over my circumstances", and, for years that was my "raison d'etre", to be the hero of my own little "Horatio Alger" story (As I have often joked when the idea of writing my life story comes up, "I'm still waiting for my big triumph in Act III...").

Ultimately, I don't know how this ends - however much I desperately want to "predict and control" things - so it doesn't really matter if I don't go any further than this.

The only thing I can do is try. And as I've said before, in my more determined moments, "I'm going to do this as long as I can" - If I'm mentally and physically able to do this for the rest of my life, however long that is, that's what I'm gonna do.

And if that's the only "triumph" I eke out of this - "He never really got anywhere, but he never gave up...!" - so be it.


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