9:47 pm - Thu 7/10/03
No Actors Allowed

Had my first audition since the HBO shoot today.

It was at Kathy Knowles, for something or someplace called Integris (Sounds serious, doesn' t it?).

I was supposed to be the father of a heart donor (The premise was that my wife and I were meeting the older man who had received our child's heart. So there were four actors in the spot--Me, my wife, the heart recipient, and his wife).

As you can imagine, there wasn't a lot of room for wackiness in the spot, which was fine (Most of what I go out for is funny, so something more serious can be a nice change-of-pace), but unfortunately, there wasn't much else going on either--There was no copy, and we were instructed to do the first take without talking (huh?), while keeping it low-key.

Folks, if you can figure out how you'd feel in that situation in about ten seconds, communicate it without talking, keep it "low-key", and then play the scene with three other actors you've just met, you're a better actor than I am!

(It was not the first time I wanted to say to a casting director--or a casting director's assistant, to be more accurate--"Hey, why don't you shut up and let me just do something, cause You. Ain't. Helping!")

We did it one more time, this time instructed that we could talk "if we wanted to" (If we "wanted" to?), but it didn't go much better, in my view. The situation was kind of beyond me, I didn't really know what to do, and I felt stifled and confused by the direction I'd gotten.

(I hoped my awkwardness looked like I was playing "a man's difficulty in expressing emotion", but I think it just looked like I "didn't know what I was doing".)

This was unfortunate, because while waiting out in the lobby, I'd written about how I had to "get over" this feeling I had, a feeling that there were just certain auditions I do well at (Ones with lines, where I get to download the sides the night before), and certain ones I don't (Ones like, well...like today).

I don't want to psyche myself into believing there's only one way I can win at these things. I don't want to be some kind of delicate hothouse flower about this shit, and I can't afford to be.

A situation like today is demoralizing, because while I haven't had any training in improvisation, I fancy myself as being "quick on my feet" as an actor, so it was frustrating to walk out feeling like I didn't make anything happen.

But I'll figure it out.

Well, I've had my worries, but so far, I think things are going well with Max.

I'd actually written an entry yesterday that went into way too much detail regarding her eliminatory habits, but then realized I was alternately bored and grossed-out while rereading it, so I decided to scrap the whole thing.

Basically, as long as the dog is alive when Remerro gets back, I'm going to consider it a "job well done" on my part.

Remerro has Live From New York, the book on Saturday Night Live, so even though I've already read it, for some reason, I've found myself reading through it again (I think I said this the last time I read the book, but it occurred to me that it's more fun for me to read about the show than it is to watch it).

Bryan K. wants to put together a comedy tape to send to SNL. I think it's a good idea--He's a funny guy, and they don't have a really funny fat guy anymore(Horatio Sanz doesn't count). But I don't know if he's a writer--I guess you pretty much have to write your own material to really make headway there--so I'll have to ask him about that.

(If you're a performer, and think of yourself as "funny", you can't help but read the book and wonder "Could I have made it on the show...?". And my answer to that question is "I don't think so"; I think when I was younger, I wouldn't have been emotionally strong enough to deal with it, and now, I'm just too tired.)

Saw 28 Days Later this afternoon (It was the thing I went to see instead of Pirates of the Caribbean).

I liked it.

Like the Saturday Night Live book, I think I enjoy reading about horror movies more than I ever enjoy seeing horror movies--Most horror movies simply aren't very scary, really, and I basically gave up on them at the theater years ago, I think after seeing one called The Faculty--but this one was very effective. I thought the updating of the Zombie mythos was pretty striking, there were a number of set-pieces that were genuinely disturbing, and I was intrigued that the most graphic bit of violence we see clearly is committed by our hero.

On the way out, I was thinking that the nice thing about going to movies by myself is that I only see what I want to see. But I also thought about how I was considering seeing Pirates of the Caribbean and League of Extraordinary Gentleman just because I know a lot of the guys at work will be seeing them, and I want to have something to talk to people about.

I can't decide if that's perfectly reasonable and acceptable to me, or a little sad...

It's gotten very late...It always seems to take me hours to do these entries, which I don't don't really understand; It's not like I'm "Jim Shakespeare" or anything like that.

I've been feeling this underlying sadness today. Not completely sure why, and don't really care to delve into it too deeply (I imagine a part of it has to do with today's audition being pretty disappointing, after weeks of wanting the "drought" to be over).

I wrote something in my "pocket journal" recently ("Note to self--Write better"), and it was facetious, but it also spoke to a continuing frustration I'm experiencing with myself.

I'm thinking a lot these days about a certain reserve I have. And I know a lot of people will find that amusing, or hard to believe, or whatever, but it's true; There are things I'm uncomfortable writing about, just like there are things as an actor that I'd be uncomfortable enacting (But I tell myself that, as an actor, I'd be able to "get past that" in service of the role, the story, what have you).

I'm wondering if that "reserve" is a good thing, a natural thing, a "normal" thing, or is it something I need to get over?

I think as a person, it's normal and natural, and in this day and age, actually something to be applauded.

But I think I said it in here before--As a performer, I'm not sure I'm supposed to be "Dignity Guy". And as a writer, I doubt I'm ever going to say much of any real interest until I get over my fear of...being revealed.

I feel it in here. I "edge up" on things, then I feel myself back away. I have the urge to write when something really interesting might happen...then somehow, I don't end up writing.

Cause I'm shy, you see. And I think if I were Joe Average Citizen, that wouldn't be a problem. I'm not even 100% it's that much of an issue for me as a performer; After all, do I really want to be the guy who will do anything for a response?

I don't know. But I'm wondering about it.

I think my being "interesting" in here, or being a "good writer", or whatever it is I think I want to accomplish, has taken on a huge importance in my mind because I'm. Not. Acting.

I need to be really good at something. I want to stand out for being able to do something really well. And right now, I just don't.

But this isn't capital-W "Writing". It's just a journal.

It's become very late, late enough that I'm basically screwing up tomorrow the longer I stay up.

So I'm going to bed.

I'm feeling kind of sad. I'm feeling kind of lonely.

(Just realized I needed to explain my title; One thing that really makes me feel like a second class citizen here in LA is that, at every casting office, there's a sign saying "No actor parking allowed". It may seem like a small thing, because it is a small thing, but I think it's the kind of thing a lot of actors remember when it comes time to make demands--"They used to not even let me park in the parking lot...")

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