11:28 am - Sun 6.09.2013
(Just got up a short time ago...After remembering we didn't have enough members at last Sunday's WW meeting for two receptionists this week, I called CeCe - The #1 receptionist for the meeting - to see what she wanted to do. She often will throw me the meeting, but this time she wanted to work it. And here I am.)
Went back to True Blood on Friday, to do one shot, with no lines.
My call time was 11 am, then pushed to Noon, but after a quick pass through hair & makeup - where I got a free trim (Yay!), to visually match the last time I was there - I basically "hung out", mostly in my trailer, until around 4:00, when I was called to the set.
Even then, most of time on the set involved more "hanging out", waiting for the shot before mine to be finish, waiting for my shot to be set up, then afterwards, hanging around while the next shot was set up.
My bit was really nothing, which seems to be causing me a fair amount of, I don't what to call it..."cognitive dissonance"?
By that, I mean I want to tell people I'm working, because working is good and that's what people are interested in...but in this case, I'm embarrassed by people's excitement about it, because - and trust me, this is not a "humble brag" - I'm really just an "extra" this time out (I have one line in the three episodes).
(I do want to say this - It's a very nice set. And it's always nice to be "welcomed back" somewhere.)
The other bit of "cognitive dissonance" is that I just got paid really well to do nothing; the "getting paid well" part is pretty cool, but the "doing nothing" part is causing me some distress (Of the "I've been out here for a dozen years, and this is all I'm doing?" variety).
I don't want to "do nothing", even if I'm well-paid to do it - I want to act (A sentiment suggesting that, even if I get what I think I want most in the world right now - a series regular role - if it doesn't involve getting to do anything I find interesting or enjoyable as an actor, I won't be satisfied).
(Though if acting is ever "out of the question" for some reason, I will settle for "being well-paid to do nothing". Just wanted to "clear that up".)
And it's just weird, to spend most of your working life making next-to-nothing, then start doing something where, when you do it, you can make hundreds - sometimes thousands - of dollars for a day's work...and still have it not be enough, because you can't do it often enough.
Man, I sure can spin a lot of anxiety and unhappiness from what should be a positive experience, huh?
What can I say? It's a gift - A nasty little toxic "gift".
I'm just not "where I want to be"...and I'm getting tired of being "where I want to be-adjacent).
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