10:05 pm - Thu 1/31/02
\"Big Boy\" backpacks, 401 Ks, and being dragged kicking and screaming into some kind of adulthood
I like my new backpack. Or as I've called it more than once, my "Big Boy" backpack (This would be in contrast to my FORMER backpack, which was more of a "Little Girl" backpack).

I used my "Big Boy" backpack yesterday to take my proofs to Barian, the photographer who did my headshot, soon after I hit L.A.

For a long time, I've felt very UNCERTAIN about my headshot. I think it's a good-looking picture, but it was taken when I still had long hair, I've been uncertain about the wisdom of having a beard (And a graying beard, at that), and most of all, I've worried that my unsmiling visage, which initially seemed "dramatic", is more off-putting than anything else (I'm afraid my face, in repose, looks a little...INTENSE. Not a bad thing for the right CHARACTER, but I'm not sure that's the face I want greeting casting directors and agents when I send out mailings).

When I had dinner with Cary and Kay recently, I showed them my headshot.

They didn't think the long hair was much of an issue--It's slicked down and tied back in the picture--and Cary suggested, if my main concern was that I didn't look sufficiently warm and cuddly, that I just go with a "smiling" picture from the same shoot.

(Suddenly, I feel like I'm going on for a long time about something inherently uninteresting to anyone but me. But what are ya gonna DO?)

So anyway, since I haven't felt like I had the money for a new shoot, this seemed like a reasonable alternative (Regarding the beard, and the gray? I've been really uncomfortable with the idea of changing my day-to-day appearance to try and be some more "castable" version of myself, so until I get definitive PROOF that it's a problem, I'm going with bearded, graying Jim. Bearded and graying, but a happier, "warmer" Jim. And that feels valid to me, because I actually AM that guy).

So is there a POINT to all this? Just that I feel good about finally dealing with a situation I've been uncomfortable with for a long time; If feeling more comfortable with my headshot helps me send more headshots out...well, that's a GOOD thing.

ANOTHER "good thing" is that I've started to try and figure out what to do with my 401 K from Schuler Books.

Having never in my life made anything APPROACHING "serious money", I often worry about my financial future; If these are my "peak earning years", and I'm barely earning enough to pay my BILLS, I'm afraid my "golden years" may not end up too "golden" (I used to joke a lot about ending up eating dog food in an unfurnished room. Then at some point, I don't know when exactly, that "joke" quit seeming very funny).

There's a 401 K at Borders, but those cheap bastards don't pay me enough to feel like I can afford yet ANOTHER payroll deduction. And I don't know if I could "roll over" the old 401 K into a Borders 401 K anyway.

In short, I don't know ANYTHING about how this stuff works. All I know is that in the last quarter, I lost some $600--from around $3800 to about $3200--and that scared me (If I were still at Schuler Books and still contributing, and my contribution were being matched by the company, that wouldn't bother me. But I'm not, it's not, and it does).

So yesterday I went to the bank, my little 401 K statement in hand, filled with a childlike faith that some nice adult person would tell me what to do and everything would be all right.

I was told I needed some other form I didn't have, which I had to get either from the bank or from Schuler Books, so I can then get a check from the bank that handles my 401 K. Then with that check, I can start some sort of an account with my bank here (Are there any financial advisors amongst my vast readership out there in cyberspace? I'm just curious).

Once again, the POINT here is that I'm happy with myself for trying to take a situation in hand that's been nagging at me for awhile (If I at at least make SOME effort to prepare for my future...well, I may STILL end up eating dog food in an unfurnished room, but at least it'll be the PREMIUM dog food, the one that's all meat and meat by-products, with no soy).

(It occurs to me that my only hope, financially, is to really make a go of this acting thing.)

I called Schuler Books this morning, ostensibly to deal with this 401 K stuff, but really just to take advantage of the store 800 number to talk to "the gang".

I talked first to Rhoda, then to Holly, then to M.E. (Actually, the first person I talked to was Kris V., who answered the phone).

They all seem pretty stressed and unhappy over the new store. As I told each of them in turn, their experience sounds very much like MY experience when I first started working at Borders (In a way, it's made me feel closer to them than if they were still all at the "old store" and I was here).

They asked me about ME, of course, and I basically said that while life has been a struggle out here, I'm working on getting my head together, and doing what I need to do to put acting front-and-center.

After I got off the phone with them. I watched "The View" (Today, I found them all very loud and annoying), then went to Gustavos, to sign over the car.

While I was at Gustavos, I asked if there was someplace he could recommend where a poor person could go to get a cheap car that would actually RUN.

I mentioned I was interested in a Honda or Toyota, and he suggested he might come across something and would let me know.

Now, I don't really know how this is going to work out--The only time I've EVER gotten a call from Gustavo's place was this past Tuesday, asking when I was going to bring the papers by for the car. He's also asked for my number after every conversation I've ever had with him, often writing it down wrong--but I found his offer ENCOURAGING. I have to believe that taking my chances with Gustavo, at this point, would beat taking my chances with some car I bought off the street WITHOUT a mechanic's okay.

ANYWAY...

(Had a bizarre impulse as I was riding down the street afterwards, with a crisp $100 bill in my wallet; I passed a homeless guy walking down the street, and I thought, "What if I just gave him this $100 bill?". I DIDN'T, of course--because that would have been INSANE--but it crossed my mind.)

I went back to my bank, with the intention of starting a savings account with the $100. But apparently, MY idea of what it takes to open a savings account is stuck in the 1970s, because it takes $300 now to start a savings account, if you don't want to pay monthly fees (When all I'll be able to deposit on a regular basis is $5 or $10 a month, paying a $3 monthly fee just doesn't seem RIGHT to me).

So I left without my savings account.

But once again, the POINT here is that I want to applaud myself for trying to take the situation in hand. It may not have played out like I might have HOPED, but not for my lack of TRYING.

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