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10:00 AM - Weds 1.26.22

"I know you're an agent and not a magician, but..."

Had my first session in months with Dr Chin, my...I don't know what to call him (He's not my "Therapist". He's the psychiatrist who prescribed my Wellbutrin).

Personally, I don't think I'm doing great, but he seemed to think my depression was improved and my anxiety didn't rise to the level where a bigger dosage of my meds was indicated (FTR, He observed that, "If you'd gotten those acting jobs you mentioned..." - I'd told him about the last two auditions where it was "close but no cigar" - "...I feel like we'd be having a somewhat different conversation". And he's not wrong).

So there it is.

For the record, I wouldn't class myself as "depressed" these days (Though it's always been unclear to me what constitutes "reasonably depressed" versus "unreasonably depressed"). I have been "sad" over getting close to booking something and it not happening, and sometimes that sadness has lingered a while, but I'm not experiencing waves of depression with no real explanation (And I can't remember the last time I've had that "I'm going to just start crying in public" feeling that started happening in recent years).

But I am worried about pretty much everything there is to worry about - From the state of the country (And what's going to happen when our democracy falls), to my career (i.e. I want one), to Jane's health, to my health (And whether I'm going to qualify for another year of health insurance when the current year runs out in March), to mortality (my own, and the handful of people I care about), to my finances moving forward (I don't want a day job, but then acting needs to really happen, and if it doesn't...what the fuck am I going to do for a day job? And have I mentioned I don't want a fucking day job?), to my cat (Who's lost about half his body weight, has chronic diarrhea, and has, at best, severe pancreatitis and at worst...who knows?).

All that said, there have been a couple "bright notes".

After booting my theatrical agent over the holidays, my agency recently hired a new guy (Ralph Cooper).

I spoke to him on Monday (via Zoom). And while I talked way too much (And said "I know you're an agent and not a magician, but..." way too many times), the conversation did leave me "cautiously optimistic" . He seems like a go-getter, and if he hustles as much as he claims to, I should be getting in more offices (at least virtually) than I have been of late (And as I told him, if he gets me in enough offices, I'm confident that something will happen).

And I have been enjoying having Jane R. in town - Whether we're just watching TV at her place, going to Target, having dinner somewhere, or doing something special (Yesterday we attended the "Immersive Van Gogh Exhibit" in Hollywood), it's always fun.

She has to go back to Santa Fe soon, for medical stuff (Probably within the next week or two), but she'll be back, and I can certainly keep myself entertained till then (At least that's what I'm telling myself today).

And if I gave myself a moment or two, I could probably think of a few more things to "feel good about", but it's just about my naptime (I want to lay myself down for a bit, before hopping in the shower, and taking Hamlet to the vet for the special potions, ointments and unguents I'm hoping will return him to good health).

Things feel a little daunting on multiple fronts, but I don't see that there's any answer to this but to push forward best I can.

Which is what I intend to do.

Till next time...



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