9:52 am - Sun 4.12.2009
\"All Things Jim\"

I've fallen seriously behind in here, so without further ado, here's the past "Week In Review".

Saturday: I felt particularly good about last Saturday's WW meeting. Not sure why - nothing out of the ordinary happened. I just had fun, and things went very smoothly - but I left feeling grateful to have a job I like more often than I don't (I'm prone to saying, about working at WW, "I like this job, by and large, I just wish there were more of it". But more on that later in the entry...).

I'm sure a big part of my good mood was excitement about my lunch date with Cary & his family at The Grove after the meeting (Seeing Cary and Co. usually means a 45 minute drive to Santa Clarita, so it was fun that The Grove was just five blocks away from my meeting).

Cary's parents - Bruce and Janet - were visiting from out-of-town, and it's always a pleasure to see them (I think the world of them, and they seem to like me too, for some reason).

They've had some serious "health issues" in recent years, so I was relieved, and happy, to see them looking well and seeming in good spirits (And it struck me afterward - "See Jim? You actually do care about people other than yourself...!").

We ate at the Farmer's market, had ice cream (mango sorbet for Yours Truly), and at one point, rode the little trolley (Which I don't think I've done before).

Donovan (Cary & Kay's four-year-old) was tired, and at one point had a little "episode" in one of the stores, but other than that - which was nothing, really. It was over in minutes - it was a nice, low-key time, with some of my favorite people.

I'd hoped the "good feeling" from my WW meeting and my lunch date would hold me for the rest of the day, but by evening, I was wrestling with major league loneliness and boredom.

One of the (many) "challenges" in being me is that, while I don't want to be alone, at least not all the time, being with people can be tough as well (Either it doesn't really "work", and I have that terrible, "alone in a group" feeling - worse, by far, than being alone by yourself - or else it's really fun...then I go home and "crash" afterwards).

It makes me sometimes not want to go out at all....which I know is not the way I should be thinking.

Sunday: Blew off my 11:00 WW member meeting - Had already been thinking along those lines, when I started chatting with Margaret C. on Facebook, which sealed the deal. Felt a little guilty, but got over it (As a "Lifetime Member", you only have to check in once a month, so it's not like I have to go every week. I just do).

In the afternoon, I saw Adventureland, which I liked quite a bit (Apparently, it's not done that well in theaters, which is very disappointing) - More "sweet, coming-of-age" film, and less "dumb, teen sex comedy" than you'd expect from the marketing.

In the evening, I once again slid into boredom and depression, which made me feel, once again, the way I've been feeling a lot lately - "Something's really going wrong with me...".

Monday: Back at Social Services in the morning, with a fistful of check stubs, to have them help me with my first - and, as it turns out, my last - quarterly income report.

As I suspected, I made way too much money in March to continue to be eligible for food stamps. But unlike what my social worker had told me - she'd made it sound like I'd continue to be in the system, and my benefits would go up or down according to my income - the guy from the quarterly reports department basically said I'd have to reapply if/when my income went back down.

I felt depressed and anxious afterward - fearing that not being eligible for food stamps means my cash reserves will drain away faster, and I'll be in trouble again before I know it - and, afraid they might withdraw the credit I currently have on my card at some point, I hightailed it to Ralphs afterwords, and wracked up a $100 grocery bill.

In the time since, I've "gotten my mind right" about this food stamp business - I know what they want now, in terms of "proof of income", so if/when I need to reapply, it won't be a two-day process. And instead of feeling anxious about what I'm "losing" (Which is something I'm not really entitled to anyway), I'm appropriately grateful for what I've had; for a few hours of my time and a smidgen of dignity, I've gotten over $300 of free food over the past couple months (My eligibility started when I applied toward the end of February, and I'm cut off at the end of this month, so I had over two months worth of benefits). That's not a bad deal, and it definitely helps in my ongoing effort to, as I've put it, "keep the ball moving down-field".

When I was at Ralphs, I got a call from Brett (My manager); I had a last-minute audition for ICarly (As a middle aged "speed dater"), at the Nickelodeon studio on Sunset.

So I got home, unloaded my groceries, downloaded the sides, hopped in the shower (Yes, sometimes I go out without showering, cause I'm a pig), got dressed, jumped on my bike, and rode to my audition (I got the call around 11:30; the audition was at 1:30).

I thought it went well - the casting people laughed (Though some actors will superstitiously tell you that's the "kiss of death" for actually booking the job) - and it was only afterward that the second-guessing began; I worried that I'd "out-smarted" myself by not playing the role as a stereotypically smarmy/sleazy middle-aged guy, when that's probably exactly what they were looking for.

In any case, I didn't get it (It shot the next day). But while it was happening, it was exciting, and at least it broke the solid month I'd gone without an audition.

In the evening, I had my Monday night improv class, which was mainly distinguished by the fact that I didn't feel like shit afterward; I don't think it's that I'm suddenly "getting it", so much as the class is winding down (Tomorrow and the following week are it), and I'm getting over my desire to be one of the "smart kids" in class - Clearly, that ship has sailed.

Tuesday: I don't remember much of note happening on Tuesday (Watched Reaper, which I enjoy. Beyond that, spent the night feeling bad about things).

Wednesday: Had my normal two WW meetings in Santa Monica (at 10:30 and 12:15), with Miriam (The Leader) and Jennifer (The First Receptionist).

Unfortunately, the second meeting has been falling off for weeks now, and this week Miriam had to tell me they won't need me for the second meeting this week.

(With the economy like it is, enrollments are way off. And without enrollments, meetings are going to inevitably fall off, as members become discouraged and quit, or, for that matter, succeed, and become free "Lifetime Members"; since staffing is based on paid member attendance...well, you get the picture, and it's kinda grim.)

At 4:00, I had a therapy session with Javier.

When I went on about how I don't want to spend my time working at what I don't want to do (i.e. working at Jack-In-The-Box or the like), but don't have the means to spend my time working at what I want to do - acting - because of minimal funds, Javier suggested LACC (community college). He said they have a very good theater program, and I'd very likely be able to get financial aid.

It wouldn't solve all my problems - what would, really, besides the "sweet release of death"? - but it would go a long way towards helping me have the life I've always said I want out here, which is a life centered around acting.

I'm feeling some "resistance" to the idea - Mostly around how tired I am now, before adding classes to the mix (and how it doesn't really do anything about my chronic "money issues") - but I think it's time for another "leap", because nothing very interesting has happened, career-wise, for awhile now, and I need to do something to "shake things up".

(So cross your fingers on my being eligible for financial aid and what-not...).

Thursday: Not much of note here.

I did sub for Debbie Schulz, for a morning WW meeting in West LA, which meant I was there in the morning, then back in the evening for my regular Thursday night meeting.

(A lot of WW workers are Jewish, so since last week was Passover, I worked with a lot of subs. And the meetings were smaller than usual, since a good chunk of our clientele are Jewish as well.)

Friday: worked my two Friday meetings, but due to an emergency at another center, was the only receptionist (Which wasn't a big deal, because of the aforementioned small holiday turnout). Enjoyed working with Monisha (Subbing for Lynn K., the regular leader).

Afterward, having noticed my rear tire was wobbly, I went to I. Martin - the nearby bike shop - where they fixed another spoke (I had one go on me just a week or two previously).

Happily, they fixed it for free. I'm not completely sure why (I could speculate, but this entry has taken me hours, gone on for days, and I want to wrap this up and take myself to a matinee of Observe and Report).

Afterward, I really enjoyed the difference in performance - Kind of amazing what one loose spoke will do (It had me thinking, in metaphorical terms, about what small "repairs" I might be able to make in my life that would make for better "performance").

At night, I thought about going to IO West to see a show, but I didn't - I just watched my "stories" instead (Terminator, DollHouse, and Friday Night Lights, all very enjoyable).

Yesterday: Another WW meeting where attendance fell below where they need a second receptionist, so "Bye Bye Jim".

Pretty discouraging - Not only am I not going to get more meetings, I'm losing the ones I have.

It doesn't mean it's gone for good - I lost my second Friday meeting for two weeks, but got it back - but in general, it's not the way I'd choose for things to go.

(There's always two parts of me at war when this sort of thing happens - the part of me that only wants to act is pretty okay with it, while the part of me that likes the bills to get paid and to eat food and stuff worries his fool head off.)

In the evening, once again, I thought maybe I'd do something, did nothing, and spent the evening thinking dark and depressing thoughts (Taking some breaks to surf the web and play around on my keyboard - More on the keyboard in my next entry).

Well, that's it. That was my week.

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