9:01 pm - Fri 8.26.2011
Unlike \"Father\", I DON'T Always Know Best

Been doing what I always often do, which is "wait till there's not enough time/I'm too exhausted" to write about the thing I keep telling myself I want to write about in here.

(Tempted to "psychoanalyze" myself at this point - "Why do I say I want to write about things, while making sure I don't actually have the time or energy to do so?" - but that's a writing dead-end, so I'm going to just move on...)

Quick news update - Sharon called earlier today, letting me know I'm the #1 choice for the role in the kid's show I auditioned for on Tuesday (A show I've discovered I'm not supposed to "blog" about, which is why I'm being purposefully vague).

(A moment of ego - That audition went so well, I actually thought to myself afterward, "I'll be really surprised if I don't end up booking this...!".)

However, being the "#1 choice" doesn't translate to a booking - not yet, anyway.

There's a table read on Monday, and if the part doesn't get cut after that, I'm in, and will probably work on Wednesday and Thursday (The Casting Director told Sharon the role would probably make the cut, "but you never know...").

So that's probably going to happen...unless it doesn't.

And that's pretty much it for what I "know" regarding my recent spate of auditions - the other three things (American Horror Story, Modern Family, and Community) could all still be "in play", could all be cast by now, or could be in some mix-and-match combo of the two.

(Didn't feel good about the Community audition yesterday - The casting director approved of my take on the role, but I was looser on my lines than I should have been, and there's no excuse for that. I could have done better, and should have done better.)

You'd probably think, between going back to Shameless in a week or two and having a (probable) gig on this kid's show next week, that I'd be feeling pretty good right now.

And you would not be completely wrong - Believe me, I've done more than one "Happy Dance" in my apartment lately over my good fortune - but it's very hard for me not to look for reasons to be anxious and afraid...and when I start looking for reasons to be anxious and afraid, I can always find them.

Which relates to the "Detachment" thing I've been thinking about for weeks now...

An email casting newsletter I received awhile back had an article on the subject, as it relates to auditions.

While it's an idea I've been aware of for quite awhile now, for some reason, this article really "resonated" for me in a way the idea never has before.

(Now I'm realizing why I procrastinated in writing about this - I'm having a hard time getting my thoughts in order here. But anyway...)

Everyone tells you that you can't go into an audition "desperate"; when you want/need the gig that bad, when it's "make or break" in your mind, you're probably not performing at your best, for one thing, and that neediness and desperation is not something you want the decision-makers to see (Again, it's just not showing you off at your best).

It's a bit of wisdom that has always seemed pretty self-evident - After all, who likes tense, needy, desperate people? - but at the same time, it's seemed virtually impossible to live up to ("How can I not go into this audition feeling desperate? I am desperate!").

What "spoke to me" about this article was that it addressed the underlying assumption involved in "attaching to the outcome" of a given audition, of "needing" this or that thing to go the way you want it to - The idea that what you want to have happen is the best possible thing that could happen.

Basically, that you know better than the Universe.

And I have a number of examples from my acting life demonstrating I really don't know better than the Universe.

Years ago - '81 or '82 - I auditioned for a community theater production of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

I realize now that no one would ever cast me as "R.P. McMurphy" (Particularly not when Dick Hill was also auditioning for the role - He was picture-perfect, an ex-Marine who even looked a bit like Jack Nicholson). But at the time, I was furious, feeling like I hadn't gotten a fair reading, "the fix was in", etc.

A couple weeks later, I auditioned for a community college production of Hair, got a major role, and proceeded to have what is still one of the best theater/acting experiences of my life.

Fast forward to the present day...

I auditioned a couple times for Castle, and was frustrated that I wasn't booking it.

Then when I did, it was for a role in a scene that got cut literally while I was on the set, which was very disappointing.

But the Universe had a better sense of what was best than I did - I ended up making money for that night, then I got to go back again, and this time do a scene with the two leads (Instead of the two supporting guys).

Ditto for Shameless - I auditioned at least twice before I went in for "Kermit", and was frustrated that I wasn't getting it.

And now here I am, about to go in for my third episode.

Clearly, I do not know better than the Universe what's in my own best interests. What I "want", what I think is "for the best"?

It ain't necessarily so.

I think I'm starting to find a way to "be positive" that I can actually live with, one that doesn't feel "Pollyanna-ish", or leave me open to crushing disappointment (One that's actually been demonstrated by my acting career to date) - To expect good things to happen, but to be open to not knowing exactly what they'll be.

And it really makes sense, particularly in acting terms - I know I can act, and I have a distinctive look, and I have the drive to pursue it, so it makes sense to assume something positive will come of those things...but assuming I can plan exactly what those "things" will be, or that my "plan" is better than the Universe's...well, that's kind of silly.

And on that "silly" note, I have to get to bed.

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