10:38 AM - Thurs 11.02.17
The Youngest Old Man

Where to start...?

In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal, a wave of sexual harassment allegations against men in Hollywood just seems to go on and on...

I'm reading about it a lot, and I'm thinking about it a lot...but as I said in my last entry, I'm very afraid to write about it.

But nobody really reads this, right...?

(That's what I thought.)

So here goes...

I know the "story" here isn't about me, but rather, the women (And in the case of Kevin Spacey, men) who have been victimized (And the victimization runs the gamut from boorish remarks, to sexual coercion, to exhibitionism and unwanted touching, to out-and-out rape).

But, to my chagrin, the bulk of my upset has been about me.

1) The disappointment of learning people I admire/have admired are actually assholes (Reigniting the "Can I still love the art if the artist is an asshole?" debate).

2) Being depressed about men in general, and questioning myself in particular.

The #metoo hashtag was all over my Facebook page post-Weinstein, which left me defensively thinking/hoping, not just "All men aren't like this...are they?", but "I'm not like this ...am I? I'm not just a good guy because I don't have the power not to be, am I?" (I've never sexually harassed or coerced anyone, I don't think, and have definitely never raped anyone...but I have been a threat and a source of pain to at least one woman, and I'll go to my grave guilty over that - After Beth N., I think I basically "put myself on the shelf" in terms of relationships, so an abusive episode like that would never happen again).

3) Having to deal with my bizarrely warped, self-pitying thinking - "Gee, no one's ever wanted to sexually harass me...!" (Though when I think about it, I've gotten the occasional inappropriate, uncomfortable sexual comments directed my way, but never in a context where my job or career were an issue).

And there's more...but you get the idea.

Probably the closest thing I have to "a way in" to understanding and empathy with the victims here, and it's not quite the same thing, is the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of Mr Pupo when I was a kid.

It's not the same, but I think there's some commonalities - of being abused by someone who has power over you, of fear, and confusion, and guilt, and shame, of feeling like no one will believe you or help you, etc - and I have "leaned into that" at times, as I try to shift my thoughts from "Poor me - I liked Dustin Hoffman but he turns out to be an asshole" to "This is a way bigger problem than I ever imagined - Is there anything I can do to help change things from where I'm sitting?".

I'm sure I'll have more to say about this in the days to come, because - sadly - I don't think the ugly revelations are over, by a long shot.

It can be hard to take advantage of them - They usually fill up very fast, and I often have conflicts (Mostly with work and Zumba) - but last night I saw The Florida Project (Which I kinda loved), and on Saturday I saw Downsizing (Which I liked a great deal), and I'm in a little better mood so far this week for having had those experiences (In each instance I took a Lyft to the screening, and walked home).

So I'm going to endeavor to do it more going forward, if at all possible.

(Seriously - Whatever else I was going through last week, it was secondary to the frustration and, yes, depression, I felt over having lost this speaker.)

While some of my upset was pragmatic - I didn't want to do without it, but at the same time, didn't want to have to spend money on a new one - and I always get really angry over losing things, the sadness I felt was because this was the first gift I'd gotten in I-don't-know-how-long that had actually "changed my life for the better".

I had expressed admiration for the one my friend had - I was impressed with how small it was for the volume and sound quality it produced - but when she gave me one for Xmas, I didn't really know what I to do with it (I listened to the radio to and from work, and had multiple devices at home that all had their own speakers, so it initially seemed pretty superfluous).

But then, since I only had a radio in the the car - this was before the car I have now - I started listening to music and stand-up (Through the Pandora app on my phone).

And I started playing music at work - Mostly Disco and 70s funk, but with forays into Gypsy Jazz, Big Band, Latin music, The Beatles, and one day recently, Bluegrass (Basically anything I think is up-tempo and "fun") - which have made the weigh-ins more enjoyable for me, my co-workers, and at least a good number of the members (I've had a number of people dance around with me at the weigh-station, others comment happily that "This is the meeting where they play the good music...!", and to date, no one has complained). It's officially a WW no-no, but I knew I was going to be okay when the TM and two higher-ups came to the Santa Monica meeting, and watched a member smile and start dancing around as she waited at the counter.

I think the coolest thing about it was that it brought me closer to Debbie S., who I work with on Wednesdays and Sundays, over our shared love of the dance music we grew up with (I've always liked her - She's a sweetheart - but hadn't seen that side of her before).

First noticed it was gone that Tuesday night, looked for it throughout the week (In my car, around my apartment, and at various locations where I work), then after work on Sunday, bit the bullet and bought a new one at Best Buy.

And very quickly I realized - This thing I'd been so depressed and angry about losing? (I didn't mention I had a very self-abusive episode when it first came up missing and I couldn't find it around my apartment.)

It was just a thing - I liked it, it had added a great deal of enjoyment to my day-to-day life, but it was really a relatively inexpensive, easily replaceable...thing.

Of course, as I suspected I would, within days after buying the new one, I found the old one (In the car I thought I had checked - It was just somewhere I hadn't imagined it would be).

(Debbie thought I should return it...but I have a warped sense of morality about it - I'd been using it for days at that point, and it wasn't Best Buy's fault I'd fucked up. Besides which, on the whole, the new one is better than the old one - At least in terms of being waterproof, which is nice when I'm getting ready in the morning, and pumping out a little more volume when needed. So I'm keeping it, and telling myself I'll find some use for the old one - Say, use one at home, and keep the other in my backpack for work? Maybe I'll even give the old one away, and spread the musical love...but probably not.)

Was not very happy last month, as I realized October was likely going to come and go with exactly one commercial audition, and zero TV auditions (Though I did have a callback early on, and I got a callback from the audition I mentioned).

I found myself thinking, and not for the first time, "How the fuck do I make a career from so few auditions?" - Seriously, I could book every audition I get and still not be able to make a living acting.

(And for the record, no one books every audition they get.)

So while it wasn't the sexiest audition, it was nice to have a commercial audition today (Though I did for a time bemoan the fact that I can't even get an audition for a major role in a god-damned commercial).

The wardrobe was black suit and tie, and white shirt (for the role of "Museum Security Guard").

And I thought I looked pretty cool (Particularly when I had my shades and bluetooth earphones on - I thought I looked like a secret service agent).

But when I got to the audition, I saw the other actors auditioning, and I was basically the youngest old man there.

I found that disheartening and deflating - I'm not ready to have my most dominant trait as an actor be that I'm fucking old.

(Yeah, and I know you're going to tell me the reasons this is actually a positive thing, and to that I say "Bite me!".)

One thing that's been nice lately?

I've gotten a great deal of pleasure out of the first Mueller indictments coming out in the Trump Russia scandal.

At this point, I hate Trump so much that, while I want him to go down and go down hard, for now it just brings me immense pleasure to know this is making him crazy. The unhappier I think he is, the more it warms my heart.

The only thing I'm afraid of was basically the subject of a Vox article I read, yesterday or the day before - What if Mueller makes an unassailable case against Trump...and the Republican Congress won't do anything about it?

What then?

(And on that unpleasant and unsettling note, I'm going to brush my teeth and head to bed - As it always does, Saturday morning will come depressingly early...)

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