9:18 PM - Mon 9.11.17
Things Are Getting A Tad Apocalyptic

Some time back, it struck me that I was responding to the election of Donald Trump, and his subsequent presidency, with almost the same levels of shock, horror, sadness, and anger that I felt on 9/11.

That probably sounds hyperbolic...but it doesn't really matter what it sounds like.

To take a quote from the coming season of American Horror Story: Cult:

My entire being was telling me the world was fucked up. The election made it worse.

And unlike 9/11, where the nightmarish feeling faded over time, the current nightmare goes on and on, and I don't know how long it's going to go on, or how many people are going to be hurt or killed before it's all over.

And yesterday, or maybe the day before, I went for a walk, notebook in hand, eventually stopping at a Coffee Bean for a non-fat latte and a protein bar.

While I was there, I wrote less than two pages, mostly centered around my ambivalent feelings about the Internet/social media.

I didn't write anything that wouldn't fit comfortably in here - considered transcribing it in here afterward, because I thought it was interesting - but was happy I'd "broken the seal", so to speak, and found the process interesting, with the scratched-out words, arrows pointing to parenthetical asides, and just the physical act of writing (Was reminded how radically I slant the paper when I write, something I hadn't thought about in years).

It didn't really feel like "doing the thing" - As I said, I didn't write anything I couldn't have written more easily in here - but it showed me it wouldn't be as "weird" as I was making it out to be.

This scene was more to my liking than the previous episode (And my enjoyment was enhanced when what was going to be a 6:00 am call became a 7:30 am call).

It was also fun to get to do a scene with a Gallagher (Carl) I haven't really worked with before (We were in a scene together years ago, but had no lines with each other) - I'd heard Ethan C. was a cool kid, and turns out the rumors are true.

Finishing the episode was somewhat bittersweet - Since Mike had gotten his hands on a script for the next episode and we weren't in it, that meant the "streak" was over (I'd never shot five straight episodes of the show before - Not sure if the same is true for Mike).

So I'm not in #810, which means there are only two episodes left - Of course, I'd like to be in both of them, but if I had to choose, I'd prefer to be in the final episode (And recent precedent suggests that's likely).

But while I'm uncertain how much work remains for me in the current season, a fun little "extra" thing has come up - Got a message from my agent (I think the day of the shoot) that they wanted to do a promotional thing for the Internet revolving around the Alibi, and wanted me and Mike to be part of it.

It's not going to pay as much as I typically get for an episode, but that's okay - It feels like "found money", and I'm happy to be doing a bit promoting the show, something I've never been asked to do before.

(That's happening a week from tomorrow.)

Last month, I had one theatrical audition - for Will and Grace - that I couldn't do because I was shooting the show.

This month, I had another theatrical audition - for Great News - that was also on the day I was shooting the show.

But this time I could do it, because it wasn't till 6:45 in the evening, at a casting office in Studio City.

On the one hand, it was nice to have an audition (Shooting an episode, having an audition, and getting word about the promo, made it a very "actor-y" day, which I liked).

On the other hand - and I know there shouldn't be an "other hand", but there is - I felt a little bummed that I was going in for a two-line bit part I could have gone in for when I was first starting out here (I want to emotionally get myself to a place where I'm happy to have any opportunity...but I'm not there yet. I still want that damned elusive feeling of "forward momentum").

(Guessing, at this juncture, that I didn't get it. So it seems I've been spared the indignity of playing a role beneath my lofty station.)

I continue to be walking that line - grateful that I have Shameless (And that they've used me a lot the past couple years), but depressed - and outright afraid - over being dead-in-the-water everywhere else.

I can't live on Shameless forever (I can't live on Shameless now, for that matter, but you know what I mean. There's another season or two, at best, and then...what?). I need something else to happen.

Cause I don't have a fucking "Plan B"...

I don't have the right to be "suffering", especially not now.

I have a roof over my head and (often too much) food in my stomach. I have enough work that I can pay my way, and I'm a working actor on a successful show that people really enjoy (A friend recently asked me to record a birthday message for her grand-daughter, who's a fan of the show, which I did - She was apparently thrilled to get a "Happy Birthday!" from Kermit).

But I just feel lonely and sad, and downright terrified about the future - I feel alternately "stuck" in a life that is failing to satisfy, and deeply afraid of losing even that small measure of comfort and security.

And I don't know what to do about it.

And on that cheery note, I'm going to bed...

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