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Fri 12:16 PM - 11.08.19

My Theoretical Career

Sliding into depression, as I struggle with feelings of futility, checking and re-checking my phone for word on the two auditions I mentioned last time (Which were Monday and Tuesday), all the while wishing something else would come along, so I can put these two things in the rear-view mirror.

(The TV one - on Tuesday - clearly didn't happen - I would've heard by now - but I keep hoping-against-hope. The McDonalds one could still be "in play" because I just checked a short time ago, and the callback isn't till Tuesday.)

One of the numerous benefits of having a lot of auditions - or at least more than one or two every number of months - is that it doesn't allow for a lot of obsessing ("The one that got away" isn't nearly as big a deal when there's a new one right in front of you).

Anyway, it seemed like they both went well, so that's...something...I guess.

But I'm gonna "reel that back", because that's not a completely accurate characterization of my feelings: It did feel good in the moment to know I'd done well on the McDonalds audition, which was Monday (The audition runner complimented me a couple times on how funny I'd been).

And even though I felt a little more ambivalent about the theatrical audition (For a rare network show), because I was nervous going into the room and they only had me read once (Though, again, the reaction was quite positive), I felt happy with myself for having prepared better this time out than on my previous TV audition (For a scene with Don Cheadle on Black Monday).

(The CD for Tuesday's TV thing said, "Always nice to see you, Jim" on my way out. Which was nice - She didn't have to say anything, so the personal touch was appreciated - but it also made me want to say, "So why don't you bring me in more often?"...which is a thing I totally did not say.)

Have realized, in recent years, that I'm in a real "emotional trap" with auditions - I want them/need them, but often-as-not, am disappointed when I get them (Can't tell you the last time I got anything that felt like it could be a game-changer - 18 years down the road, and I've never moved out of the lower-rung of co-stars and one-day guest-star auditions, even after Shameless).

Then, when I do get something, I either don't feel good about how I did, or I do for a hot minute...and don't book anyway (A fact-of-life which is fueling the "feelings of futility" I mentioned at the start).

And even this unsatisfactory situation is better than my fears of the future, where I fear I'll be waxing nostaligic about a time when "I used to get five or six auditions in a year...!".

(Well, I'm a little surprised - I knew I wasn't feeling great, but didn't know I was feeling quite this sour - so let's move on from my theoretical "career"...)

(Ummm....nothing else is really going on...)

Still haven't written in the "other" journal - Right now I'm thinking a whiny post like this would have been a perfect candidate for a private journal - because I'm having a hard time figuring out...well, how to make a private journal not just be a place for "whining" and negativity, but rather, a place where I attempt, among other things, to "deep dive" into things I couldn't/wouldn't want to, work out in a public forum.'re no doubt wondering if anything good is happening in my life.

Well, as I said, I did draw some positive feelings out of both the auditions I mentioned - Even if there's to be no immediate reward, I know I did well with both of them, and that really does count for something.

And even though I don't write about it much in here, I frequently feel grateful, reminding myself, just this morning, about how relatively well-off I am (For Shameless - and, yes, for my day job at WW - for having a roof over my head and more-than-enough food to eat, for my comparative good health, and so on).

Lately I've been enjoying the IPad 4 mini Jane R. bequeathed me last time she was here (Though I'm still pissed at myself for destroying the case that came along with it); I'm particularly enjoying it in conjunction with the Hoopla library app that I use, pretty much exclusively, to read graphic novels - I enjoyed the app on my phone, but am enjoying it that much more on the IPad.

So "Yay!" for having nice friends who give you cool things they're not using (For Jane it was an extra thing she realized she didn't need, while for me, it's the nicest tablet I've ever had - Till now, I've been exclusively a Kindle Fire man).

I could write more - The situation at WW, where we're having to move into temporary spaces while all the studios get remodelled for some reason, is annoying, but not really interesting enough to write about - but I'm tired, and after not making it to my Hip-Hop Dance Class for the past two weeks, I want to hit it tonight as awake and aware as I can manage.

Till next time...


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