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12:41 pm - Wed 4/03/02
When I grow up, I want to be an \"artiste\"
WHEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO BE AN "ARTISTE"

TUE 4/2/02 7:05 am (Offline)

Woke up about twenty minutes ago (Actually, woke up earlier than that. Got out of BED about twenty minutes ago).

(I really don't understand why I wake up so early. I've lost track of how long it's been since I've opened at the bookstore, so it's not like there's any NEED for it. Anyway...)

I was in "the reading room" a moment ago, and came across that quote from Robert Frost; "Home is the place where, that when you have to go there, they have to take you in".

I don't know if I'd define myself as having a "home" anywhere, because no one "HAS to take me in", but I have people who I'm pretty sure WOULD take me in, if it were at all possible.

Then as I thought about that, I thought about Mark and Jane, wondering if THEY would "take me in" if I'd done something "really bad" (i.e. Committed a crime or some such thing).

There's no real ANSWER to that rhetorical question--I imagine it would depend upon the nature of the crime, and perhaps the circumstances--but I feel like, at the very least, they'd go quite a ways before abandoning me to my fate.

The fact that I'm posing this question to myself indicates I'm still, at some level, a child looking for the unconditional love he never got (And every single person reading this is going "DUH, Jim!").

I don't know if unconditional love is something you get to HAVE as an adult (For that matter, I don't know if a lot of CHILDREN get truly "unconditional" love).

Have YOU ever experienced "unconditional love"?

________________________________________________

I feel better right now than I did when I wrote yesterday's entry.

I have my audition for "The Devil's Hand" later this morning. I don't know WHY, particularly in light of the LAST audition, but I've been feeling pretty POSITIVE about this one (Maybe BECAUSE the last one was so bad. This one certainly won't be any WORSE!).

(I find myself thinking "audition" is probably not the word I'm supposed to be using here. I don't think you "audition" for a movie; I think you "read" for a movie or tv project. I'll have to ASK someone about that...)

But back to yesterday...

I vented in here, then I chatted with Jane a bit (I don't feel like I "vented" with her, for the most part, though she might have a DIFFERENT take on it), then I made a few phone calls, and it was off to work, which was uneventful-bordering-on-deadly-dull.

I called Dr Montagano back--Finally!--to follow up on the CPAP business.

Mary (The receptionist/nurse/physician's assistant/whatever she is) told me that she had called the numbers for the two main CPAP suppliers, and they both thought I'd probably need to have another sleep test for my insurance to cover it.

So I guess she's going to make some more calls, then talk to the Doctor. He then prescribes the sleep study, and we take it from there (She's supposed to call me back later this week. If not, I'm going to call beginning of next week).

I also called Greg (The "car guy").

He said he had come across a Volkswagon Cabriolet, for $700, that needed a valve job.

My heart JUMPED, because for some reason that's one of the cars I've FIXATED on out here (They seem small and basic, which is good, but with the convertible top, also kind of...SPORTY). And to paraphrase Bob Barker, the price was sounding pretty damned RIGHT.

Then Greg went on to say, "...but I don't LIKE Volkswagons, so I didn't get it".

And I guess I'm going to trust "Car Guy" on this one; If he doesn't like Volkswagons, I imagine he's got good reasons (And while the "Cabriolet"--It's now just called the "Cabrio"--didn't seem to be in the 2002 Consumer Reports Used Car Gd, reliability ratings for other Volkswagon models weren't so good, so maybe he's got a point).

____________________________________________________________________________

I'm about five minutes away from leaving for my "reading"/audition/whatever-the-hell-it-is-I'm-doing (It's about 9:30 right now. I'll probably get there WAY early, but better safe than sorry).

The audition is at 10:50 in Beverly Hills. I scheduled it for that time to not conflict with work--I work from 1:00-9:30 tonite--but what that means now is that there won't be any point in riding home, then promptly having to ride off to work. But that's okay--As sacrifices go, ending up at work an hour early is a pretty SMALL one.

I'm OUTTA here. Wish me luck!

WED 4/3/02 10:26

(Just saw a commercial for new Chips Ahoy "creamwiches", and all I can say is, "Why hasn't someone thought of this BEFORE?". Two chocolate-chip cookies with a cream center? Sounds like some stroke of GENIUS to me!)

Well, my "Devil's Hand" audition yesterday went off without a hitch (As I found myself thinking on the way out, "That's the way this kind of thing is SUPPOSED to go!").

I got there about twenty minutes early, which ended up being perfect, since the guy before me had called to reschedule for later. Everyone was very friendly and professional--though the young man I read with had the LIMPEST handshake I think I've ever experienced--and after doing the scene twice in front of a video camera, I was back out the door (The whole experience lasted probably less than ten minutes).

First we just read the scene sitting in chairs. Then the director had me stand up, and moved the chairs around so I was directly facing the camera. He gave me the added direction that the other character has been really ANNOYING, and that when he asks where the bathroom is--the scene takes place in a bar--that there's a big neon "restroom" sign behind me (I got a laugh when we did the scene the second time, just rolling my eyes as "Annoying Guy" went off to the bathroom).

Good experience. Like I said, the way this sort of thing SHOULD go.

At this writing, I feel pretty good about my chances for getting it. I guess we'll see. But in any case, it was a nice reminder that this stuff can actually be FUN (In my mind, there's really not much REASON the experience should be unpleasant. I want to be cast, and they want me to be the right guy, so seems like things should ALWAYS at least START on an optimistic note).

I was pretty close to work at that point, so I rode over there. I had a cinnamon role and an orange juice in the cafe as I read Wayne Dyer's "You'll See It When You Believe It" (You'll hear more about that later), then went downstairs and hung out in the magazine section, reading "Time" and "Newsweek" and the movie reviews from the "New Yorker".

When I think about it, the way I spent the first half of yesterday is very much the way I'd like my life to BE right now. Get Borders out of the picture, up the number of auditions, give me a car and a social life, and I'd be pretty much SET.

But anyway...

Still thinking about Diaryland.

1. Worrying over-much about what people "think of me"--whether it's friends, the phantom "audience", or whomever--doesn't really serve my purposes, as an actor or a person. I doubt the happiest people in the world spend lots of time worrying about such things, and I know that wanting everyone to love you can be DEADLY for an actor or artist (Just look at Robin Williams over the past number of years). So I'm going to keep moving towards saying exactly what I want to say, when I want to say it (I'm also wondering about how to incorporate more "creative writing" in Diaryland, so you've been WARNED).

2. It occurs to me that this is one of the few things I'm MOTIVATED to do, so I think instead of considering doing it LESS, I should do it exactly as much as I FEEL like doing it (After all, did Picasso say to himself, "I probably shouldn't PAINT so much"?). Right now, I have to work, and I'm choosing to pursue an acting career. Beyond that, why NOT write in here? Maybe it's just me masturbating with words, but maybe NOT; Maybe this is something that will take me to the next level, if I let it.

At work yesterday, it hit me--"God Jim, if you WANT to be an 'artist', just BE an 'artist'".

What exactly would that MEAN to me, you might ask? Well, I guess that means admitting I don't GET "work", admitting that I'm not going to SUCCEED at it, that it's really not what I WANT. It means getting over feeling guilty about that, and about wanting to spend my life doing something I ENJOY (I've said it before--I think the big reason I have nothing at this point is that I've straddled the fence, between wanting the security of a "real life" but the creative satisfaction of being "artistic". Wanting both, I've often had little of EITHER).

I think it means being prepared to fully USE my inner life, whether writing or acting or whatever, and not being embarrassed or uncomfortable if it's not always pretty.

Wanting to have an effect on people is okay. But needing EVERYONE'S love is not. I have to trust that the handful of people who mean something to me will hang with me, that there will be an audience for the WORK I want to do, and beyond that, not much else matters. I don't have to do anything but LIVE at this point.

Something that's always stopped me from thinking of myself as an "artist" was the feeling that I "had nothing to say".

I think I need to get OVER that.

Maybe SOME great artists can tell you what it is they "want to say" with their work, but I think that's mostly b.s.. People create because they FEEL it. They have to express themselves, they want to touch others, whatever it is, but the idea that I have to have some sort of "mission statement" before I really try to write or have an acting career or whatever is ABSURD.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

I have to commit to the idea that I am NOT going to have a normal life. Get used to it, grieve over it if need be, then move on.

I want to quit crying and debating over things like "Diaryland" and just do what I'm gonna DO, do you know what I mean?

In chatting with Jane recently, she challenged me to send something out by the 15th of this month (Little does she know that she just got roped into being my "editor". Those little "challenges" can really come back to bite you on the ASS sometimes!).

And you know WHAT? I'm going to DO it.

And in the meantime, if you catch me going on about how "I'm so afraid of what people will think of me if I actually SAY anything in Diaryland", please reach through your computer screens and smack me upside the head, would ya?

 

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