7:33 pm - Mon 5.14.2012
It's Somebody's BIRTHDAY Today

The past week was a good one for auditions - had one on Wednesday, one on Friday morning (then a callback in the afternoon), and another one on Saturday - but as of the end of the business day today, no one's bit.

Disappointing (If nothing comes of any of this), but I do have to give myself some retroactive "props"; when I had three auditions at the end of last month, and felt like they had all gone very well, I later posted on Facebook that I was "disappointed" to have only gotten one callback out of the three - I'd really expected better results.

(Two of the auditions were for commercials, and the other one was for a small part in a movie starring Kate Beckinsale.)

But I'd been premature - The breakdown for the Beckinsale movie had said they'd be casting "from tape" (i.e. that there wouldn't be any callbacks), but the Director couldn't decide between her top choices on a couple of the roles, so I got a callback for that after all...which means I got two callbacks out of three auditions, which definitely falls under "not too shabby".

But unfortunately, no one knows - or cares - if you had a callback when they're watching someone else play the role.

And getting "close" to booking a commercial or a tv show or a movie doesn't buy groceries at Ralphs, or pay that latest car repair bill (More on that in a bit).

Still, I am definitely "in the game".

And as long as that's the case, anything's possible.

I don't exactly agonize over Mother's Day most years, but I do feel an unhappy twinge or two on the day, because of my long-time, "borderline-orphan" status (Also because it's the anniversary of my doing a very bad thing I will always regret - but that's an entry for another time...).

This Mother's Day, as you might imagine, felt a little different than years past.

Having now seen pictures of her (past and present), hearing about her present-day existence from Tony, talking about her with him, knowing that she's having conversations about my existence that she's never had before...well, I guess you could say it's making her seem much more real to me.

In part, because I am now more real to her.

Talking to Tony last night, he told me he'd talked to her at some length recently, and she's now amenable to meeting me if/when I come to visit at some point.

That was pretty important to me before planning any trip to West Virginia - I didn't want to be meeting Tony and his family, with her "hiding out" till I left. That just wouldn't feel right to me.

So, while I had an urge to call her yesterday, I knew "we aren't there yet"...but I was pretty happy to hear that, when I make it to West Virginia, she'll at least be up for a "meet-and-greet".

The more I've talked with Tony about her, the more it's helped me see her as a real person.

I don't believe I'm harboring any residual ill-will or resentment toward her...but if I were, I think it would be next-to-impossible to keep harboring it when trying to see through her eyes, trying to imagine being in the circumstances she was in when I was born, and imagine how I'd feel if the worst thing that could happen to a parent - being unable to care for your children, then losing them altogether - had happened to me.

I'm guessing I might be guilty and ashamed, feeling like it "was all my fault", no matter what the evidence to the contrary. I might not want to talk about it with anyone, ever, fearing they would think the same terrible things about me that I think about myself. I might want to pretend it all never happened, to just put it behind me and try to make whatever-I-could out of the rest of my life.

And even if I might be tremendously curious about the son I gave up as a baby, just the idea of meeting him would be tremendously threatening to this edifice I'd built up over a lifetime.

What if he's angry? What if he's just sad and miserable? What if he's just a bad person? What if he blames me for his unhappiness, for his failures in life?

What if he wants answers I don't have? What if he needs things I can't give him? What if he wants a "relationship", what if he expects me to feel something for him, and he just feels like a stranger to me?

I told Tony yesterday that I'm sad when thinking about what happened, and yes, I certainly wish things had worked out better for both of us than they did (Me in foster care, her struggling with alcoholism, in abusive relationships, losing three out of four kids, etc), but at this point, I don't think there's anything to be angry about.

I wish she'd done better, I wish she'd been able to overcomeher bad childhood, but I'm 50 years old, I'm a smart guy, and I wish I'd done better with the life decisions I've made that caused me and others a lot of grief and pain, I wish I'd done better at overcoming my bad childhood.

But we're both human. And I think it's healthy, and makes sense, to assume that people do the best they can do with the circumstances they've been given.

My mother did the best she could, the same way that I've lived my life trying to do the best I could.

So, long story short?

I'm not angry.

I'm just curious.

It's my birthday.

The close proximity of Mother's Day and my birthday doesn't typically do me any emotional favors, providing a double-whammy of an opportunity for self-pity.

But Mother's Day, as I suggested, wasn't that much of a pity-party, since there's hope I will, perhaps this very year, actually meet my Mother for the first time.

And slowly but surely, I seem to be losing the urge to have a "fuss" made over "my special day" (Which, really, has almost never been that "special"); I'd rather not spend it completely alone, mind you - like I did last year - but if I have something "social" to do with someone (Dinner, a movie, something along those lines), that's pretty much all I need.

So I'm going to have dinner with Howard tonight at Fred62 in Los Feliz.

Other than that, I was going to use this "special occasion" as the excuse to finally "pull the trigger" on buying a tablet (Probably a Kindle Fire) at Target, because I have $150 worth of gift certificates there.

I've been dithering on this for awhile now, because it's very hard for me to spend serious money on myself unless it's something I actually need - my "income stream" is just too uncertain - but I thought, "If you can't spend $50-75 on yourself for your birthday, when can you?".

Then, as if on cue, my car died (It was the alternator).

Replacing the alternator and the windshield wiper fluid reservoir (Which had sprung a leak awhile back) cost me $425 or thereabouts.

So I bought an alternator and a windshield wiper fluid reservoir for my birthday - Yippee!

Honestly? Seemed like a pretty shitty trick for the Universe to play on me, all things considered.

But in happier birthday news, Howard bought me a year's membership to the American Cinematheque!

It's a cornucopia of cinematic delights, and members get $4 off on tickets (There are also a number of free screenings for members each year).

It's a gift I will get a huge amount of enjoyment from.

(Thanks Howard!)

And speaking of Howard, it's getting near time for me to head out to dinner...

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