10:04 pm - Weds 11.12.2008
Bodily Betrayals

(Well, since I don't have any good news to start this entry with, if I want to start off on a happy note, I'll have to settle for sharing these feel-good, will-put-a-smile-on-your-face-and-a-song-in-your-heart videos of the insanely adorable "Capuchine" - Enjoy!)

Was back at the Doctors office today.

Unlike my first visit - when I was pretty sure I had a hernia, but was nevertheless pronounced hernia-free upon examination - today when I dropped my pants, Dr W. immediately said "Oh yeah - that's a hernia".

(When I went in that first time, the hernia-ish discomfort I was feeling was my primary reason for being there; the constipation I'd also been experiencing was actually something of an afterthought.)

I'm a little frustrated that it took this long to get to where I should have been weeks ago (i.e. officially diagnosed as having a hernia), but at least we're there now.

And "there" means I have an inguinal hernia on the right side (Matching the inguinal hernia I had on the left side back in the early 90s), and an appointment for a surgical consultation on the 24th.

And regarding my "bathroom issues" - which are ongoing, but kinda/maybe getting a little better lately - I have an appointment to have a barium enema next Wednesday morning (Woo-Hoo!).

So, I'm kind of a mess right now, but "steps are being taken".

Add to this stuff the fact that my knees have been paining me lately - Apparently, they aren't on board with all the relatively long-distance bike-riding I've been doing since starting work at WW - and I'm feeling pretty depressed about the state of my aging body (Especially in light of that body being 75 lbs lighter and, theoretically at least, healthier than it's been in years).

This is not the stuff I want to be writing about now. This is not the stuff I want to be dealing with now.

I'm not much more interested in the subject of my bowel movements than you are - but, regrettably, this is what's going on right now.

I'm quite a bit more upset about this stuff than I've let on in here, and while part of it is practical - Fear of the unknown (weeks of bowel troubles without knowing why), fear of discomfort, expense, being out of commission for however long, etc. - I was thinking earlier today that that isn't what's really bothering me.

Having come out here in middle-age with the idea of being a professional actor, I'm plagued by the fear that "I'm not gonna make it"; not that "I'm not good enough", or "I don't want it enough", or anything like that, but simply a fear that "the clock is going to run out" on me.

A hernia is not exactly a life-threatening event, and though I don't exactly know what the deal with my bowels is, my sense is that that's probably not a life-threatening issue either.

But still, it ties into my fear of being "brought low" out here, not by rejection or indifference or typecasting or what-have-you, but by the failures of my own body. By just getting too old and tired and sick to go on.

I need to succeed out here. I can't have had the childhood I had, have as little as I have going on personally, and fail at the only thing I've ever wanted to do with my life.

I can't go through my entire life, and end up with absolutely nothing.

But before I go into an emotional death-spiral here, I'm going to stop myself.

As problems go, there have been worse than what I'm dealing with right now. I'll get past this.

And I'll become a successful actor.

But right now, Mr "Future Successful Actor" has to go to bed, cause he has to work a morning Weight Watchers meeting in West LA tomorrow...

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