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8:52 am - Wed 1/2/02
Betwixt and between
When Lauren was over on New Year's Eve--More on that in a moment--I told her I was embarrassed by the tone of some of the cards and holiday greetings I received from people this year; More than one person wrote words to the effect of "Hope you're happier in the new year...".

I've thought a lot over the past couple weeks about how my life is not so much overtly BAD, by and large, as essentially EMPTY. I have a couple problems that I'm feeling stressed and depressed over--the car stuff, the "morning sickness" stuff--but for the most part, it's more me taking the essentially neutral facts of my life and feeling BAD about them than me being assailed by genuine trials and tribulations.

I've also thought about how I haven't been here quite a year yet, and I don't think I've ever acknowledged the need to allow time to ADJUST, to get my bearings, to become comfortable here, to allow myself time to get over missing my life in Lansing (I was in Lansing, by and large, most of the past twenty years; Now I'm supposed to move across country, away from everything I've known, without losing a step?).

The thing that strikes me about my embarrassment over being perceived as this anxious, depressed, generally unhappy person is that I really play DOWN how bad I feel when I feel bad. A lot of my days here are essentially "neutral"--maybe mildly pleasant or mildly depressing, but no big deal--but when I'm DOWN (And I've been really struggling in this period of time between Xmas and New Years)...well, I'm often AFRAID to write how bad I feel, both because I don't want my friends to worry, and because I fear the only purpose it'll serve is to make me spiral into feeling WORSE.

I think the best way to describe my dilemma these days is "betwixt and between". I'm not happy with life as it is, but can't seem to find the inner strength to change it.

( But more on that later, because I'm running out of time here...)

An important thing in my day-to-day life, a problem that may sound trivial to some, but a problem I think speaks pretty profoundly to what's WRONG for me out here, is that I'm not having much FUN. When your best days in a place leave you saying, "Well, that day wasn't too painful", you've got something of a PROBLEM.

I DID have a nice New Year's Eve, thanks to Lauren (It was kind of funny--For her, this was a "quiet" New Year's celebration, while for me, it was the most I've done for the past number of years).

I rented a couple videos on the way home from work, and she came over with various tasty foodstuffs, and we watched "Pollack" (Maybe not the BEST movie to "ring in the New Year" with--The story of an unhappy artist who didn't seem to have much to offer anyone beyond his art (He was pretty much a selfish, alcoholic creep)--but we ran out of time to see "The Tao of Steve", which was the comedy antidote I rented to follow up with).

I enjoyed spending time with Lauren over the holidays. A definite bright spot, though of course, me being me, I couldn't just ENJOY the time together; I worried about being boring (These days, I don't seem to have much to talk about but the state of "ME"), I was embarrassed that I'm so poorly set up for company (It may be time to buy ANOTHER plate), and I found myself a little bummed out, wishing "life were more about this and less about doing shit I don't want to do", evan while "this" was going ON.

But all the nonsense aside, from my side of the table, I'd say the getting together was a success.

Well, I feel like I've barely skimmed the surface of anything I've brought up in this entry, but work beckons...

 

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