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7:30 PM - Tues 5.31.16 Been away a long time - this is my only entry in May - but man, if what happened yesterday didn't motivate me to get back here, nothing would! Intrigued? "Vaguely curious" at least? But first, a whirlwind tour of what you missed this month, because I didn't write about it... 1. Had two auditions the first week of the month - one for a movie starring Sam Elliot, and the other for a State Farm commercial (Didn't book either, but was put "on avail" for the commercial, so was bummed when that fell through. For that matter, was bummed that I wasn't going to end up working with Sam Elliot - Roadhouse is one of my favorite movies). Nothing has happened since. 2. Went back to the CPAP tech at my Doctor's office, because the "new mask" I was using was leaking and I couldn't figure out why (He couldn't either - beyond saying "a lot of the masks don't like beards" - so I now have a new "new mask". Don't feel any better so far, but still trying). 3. "Celebrated" my 55th birthday on the 15th, by taking the day off from work, and attending a party/luncheon honoring the BookPals volunteers. It was at Barbara Bosson's (sp?) very lovely home in Pacific Palisades (I had an okay time - But I didn't win any of the door prizes, which kinda sucked, since it was my birthday and all.). (My birthday passes with very little fanfare every year, Facebook wishes notwithstanding...but that said, it was very lovely to get a birthday parcel from Jane with a lot of fun goodies, and an Amazon gift certificate from Cary and Kay, and a card from my sister-in-law Lori with $20.) 4. Worked a couple extra shifts at WW for a coworker, and spent a lot of time leading up to it being bummed because "I don't want my life to be all Weight Watchers, I want it to be all acting...!" (But when I actually worked said shifts, it was fine, because as I've said many times before, by and large I'm okay with the job...even if I don't want to have to do it anymore). 5. Started, slowly and gingerly, looking into the possibility of medication for my depression/anxiety/whatever-the-fuck-my-problem-is (Have called about a half-dozen psychiatrists, none of whom have gotten back to me so far...which, ironically enough, has made me feel even more sad and anxious about the sorry state of my psyche). And that was pretty much the month. Till yesterday. (WARNING: The following will contain adult subject matter and themes. Seriously. If you're offended by that sort of thing, you should scamper away now - I would myself, but I'm stuck having to write the damned thing!) For the past number of years, on my birthday, it always strikes me that it would be a nice "present to myself" to have sex (Or at least some kind of "sexual experience"). I don't usually do anything about it, beyond forlornly wishing I had someone to have sex with, then eating something I shouldn't. But last year, I did go to a club, get two pretty uninteresting couch dances, then bought some sex toys on the way home (Before that, I'd summoned up the nerve to ask a sexually adventurous, pretty open-minded female friend - who lives out-of-state - if she had any "special pictures" she'd like to share with me to make my birthday a little...happier. Yes, I asked a woman I actually know if she had any naked pictures of herself I could jerk-off to). She did, and I found that pretty hot - In retrospect, I should have left well-enough alone and stayed home that might. This year, again, my thoughts turned to sex (What can I say? I'm getting older, but I'm not quite dead yet). Back from the BookPals thing, in the evening I fixated on the massage parlor not far from my apartment - Getting as far as hitting the ATM for what I assumed would be enough money for the transaction. But I was so nervous about everything I thought could go wrong - and as you know if you've been reading this journal for awhile, I'm an Olympic-level worrier - that I just couldn't do it (At one point, after emptying my wallet of everything but the money I'd gotten from the ATM - so my ID and credit cards couldn't be stolen - I actually thought, "Well Jim, you've just saved them some effort when they're disposing of your body...". Because, of course, massage parlors routinely murder their clientele, particularly if you anger them by leaving your credit cards at home so they can't be stolen). But that "I-want-to-have-sex-on-my-birthday" energy was apparently still in the air... The following week I ended up binge-watching The Girlfriend Experience, a TV show based on the Stephen Soderburgh movie (Suspected I'd watch an episode, and drop it, thinking it was just too tawdry & "soapy"...but it was actually quite good. I recommend it). After that, I searched for "GFE - Los Angeles" on the internet, and started seeing what was "out there" (The odd thing about this? If this was inspired by just having watched the show? The world depicted by the show is chic and super-rich, and I am "neither of the above". Beyond that, the show's sex scenes were less sexy the further we went, as our heroine goes from finding sex work a kinky novelty, to...well, just finding it work. So, in my mind, there I was, looking for professional sex I couldn't afford, with someone who would just see it as "another day at the office"). But to cut to the chase, I landed on an attractive woman's "independent" website, after initially checking out a lot of "services", and found what I read and saw compelling enough that I kept coming back to it. Her rates were higher than anyone's I'd seen so far, which caused a lot of internal consternation - of the "Jim, what the fuck are you thinking?" variety - but on some level, I seemed to have found what I was looking for. My mind started saying, "I can't afford this...but this is what I fucking want". The website said she was 36, which felt right to me - young, but not so young the idea of being with her just felt inherently creepy - and her website was informative (With "do and don'ts" on comportment and the like, which was good for this nervous first-timer), and she made a good case for her services, and a good case against going with something/someone cheaper. The site said she was going to be in LA the first couple weeks of June, and I decided to make a reservation, thinking "I'll make a reservation for two weeks from now, which'll give me time to think it over, and if I think better of it and cancel, I can do it early enough that I'm not being an asshole". But I had some trouble with the online form, so ended up texting with the woman herself, giving her the verification info she'd requested and the like. And then she said - this was on Sunday - "We could get together tomorrow, if you're free?". Internally, I was like "Oh shit! I wasn't expecting that...!", but what was I gonna say? "That's a lovely offer, but I was planning to make a reservation weeks from now, then possibly get cold feet and cancel the day before"? So I said, "Uh...sure!", and the deal was struck, to get together mid-afternoon on Memorial Day. (And I hate to do this, but it's gotten late, and there's way too much more to write about, so this is going to have to be continued tomorrow...)
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