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1:30 am - Sun 12/23/01
I came, I saw, I was bored
I CAME, I SAW, I WAS BORED.

Yesterday I said something to Darren at work that I thought was very interesting, and more revealing than I typically am in public--More than anything else, the thing that makes me feel like I've made serious mistakes in my life is how BORED I am much of the time.

Not that I'm not married. Not that I don't have kids. Not that I'm not a professional actor, or that it's taken me this long to make the commitment to it.

The thing that makes me feel like I've made serious mistakes in my life, the thing that tells me my life is WRONG at some very basic level, is that I'm BORED a lot of the time.

I'm not accomplishing much of anything, and oftentimes, I'm not even having much FUN.

What's THAT about?

THAT'S where my fear of death is coming from; Wherever the quote comes from, I totally understand it, "People are not so much afraid of dying as they are afraid of never having lived".

I'm afraid the clock is going to run out, and there I'll be, a man who didn't make anything HAPPEN. A man who doesn't leave anything behind, who might as well have never lived at all.

I don't know if it's really IN me to achieve anything of much significance. I don't know at this point if love, if kids, and all that good stuff is in my future (Frankly, I'm feeling pretty DOUBTFUL about that these days). I don't know if there's anything I'm going to do from now till the day I die that's going to make any significant difference in anyone else's life. I HOPE so, but I don't know.

But at the very least, I want to genuinely ENJOY this life more. I want to move my life, somehow, some way, in the direction where I'm spending the bulk of my time doing things that MATTER to me.

And by doing that, I think I'll have my best shot at living a life of some significance, where I might very WELL have some meaningful impact on other people.

And if not, at least I won't be BORED...

 

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