1:06 pm - Friday, Sept. 30, 2005
So Broke I Can't Even Pay Attention

Have I mentioned lately that my finances are a scary state of affairs...?

I got paid today, if that's what you call it.

And after paying October rent, I have $33.87 in the bank, till the 14th of next month.

The combined "minimum payment" for all my credit cards...? $64.

(I'm thinking I should have hung onto that $10 notary fee, and let myself go ahead and look shaggy for another couple months. But man, it was really bugging me...).

The good news, such as it is? My Discover Card bill isn't due till the 19th, which means I don't have to pay that one till next payday).

So here we are...

I didn't do fast food.

I didn't go to the movies.

I cut back on groceries.

And I cancelled four casting director workshops.

All this, and I didn't even have a car insurance payment this month (It's a "four months on, two months off" payment plan).

And I still couldn't make it.

No matter how you slice it, there's just not enough money.

And a $365 Jack-In-The-Box check--The only "extra" money coming in--is another two months away.

When I first realized things had gotten bad, earlier this month, I called Cary, and without my even asking, he offered a loan.

I told him I didn't want to do that until/unless things got "dire", as in "I'm getting evicted", "I'm going to be hit with a bunch of late-payment fees", or "I'm going to run out of food before my next payday".

Well, the rent's going to get paid--that's the #1 priority in my mind--but nevertheless, it seems "dire" has arrived.

But let me pull back a bit from being overly dramatic here--By no means am I going hungry: I have work lunches for a week, Cheerios, a loaf of bread, a big jar of peanut butter, jam, brown rice, a big bag of potatoes, some frozen veggies, a jar of spaghetti sauce, and lots of pasta (Stuff I bought, and stuff that was left by that couple who moved away some time back). So if you're envisioning me "wasting away in L.A.", that's not really happening just yet.

Anyway, I called Cary and Kay earlier, and they're going to float me a small loan till next payday.

But obviously, I need to find some kind of answer here--I can't go hat in hand to Cary and Kay every 30 days cause I can't make my monthly nut.

So what am I gonna do...?

I called B&N today, "following up" on my application last week.

They're going to call me sometime next week to schedule an interview.

The trouble here is that I don't have any clue what I could do that would pay any better, or immediately start me at full time.

And I know someone out there is thinking "Just get another part-time job...".

I'm seeing that as a "worst case scenario", because 1) I'm dead on my feet as it is, and 2) If I have to work 60 or 70 hours a week just to get by out here, when am I available for auditions?

And if I'm not auditioning for anything, why am I here? I'm in my 40s--I can't take the next couple years off from acting while I build up my "war chest". I don't have that kind of time.

But obviously something's gotta give...

This is exactly what I was afraid of all those years, the thing that kept me in Lansing--I thought if I tried to make it in "the big city", I'd be hard-pressed just to survive, let alone make any headway with an acting career.

I'd go cry into my pillow now, but unfortunately, it's time to start getting ready for work...

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