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10:04 AM - Mon 08.10.20
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But You Just Got Here...!

Jane left LA yesterday afternoon.

She was here a week longer than initially planned - a total of five weeks - but while it seemed a luxurious amount of time as it was happening, yesterday it felt like, "But you just got here...!".

I think she was feeling it as well. And not just because she'd enjoyed hanging out with me - After we got back from breakfast (In the parking lot of the nearby IHOP, where they'd set up tables), she sounded a bit of a regretful note that she hadn't done this and that while she was here.

(Didn't hit me in the moment, but as I write this, I feel a twinge of guilt, because one of her regrets was that she didn't see/get pictures of more of LA than she did. Were I a better friend/"host", I could have squired her around so she could have more easily done that. Though the mere idea exhausts me - among the handful of "pleasures" involved in being unemployed during a pandemic is how little I've had to drive. But anyway...)

We had a few rough patches during our time together - that I'd largely lay at my feet - but on the whole, it was a pretty delightful period of time, whether hanging out at her place (First in Silverlake, then here in K-town) or mine, getting takeout or dining out (Though she often fed me as well, which was lovely), working on the film or just kicking back and watching TV.

(The last thing we watched Saturday night were a couple "College Bowl" episodes of Jeopardy, where we impressed each other with our general knowledge of ephemera.)

We laugh a lot together, respect each other immensely, and strike what I've always seen as a critical balance - enough alike enough in our thoughts and feelings to connect, but different enough to keep things interesting.

She asked me an interesting question as we had breakfast yesterday - Essentially, would an up-side of her leaving be me having more time to "do things"?

To be honest, that was a concern of mine when she first told me she wanted to come out here for a month - Since the pandemic (And particularly since getting fired from Weight Watchers), I've felt a desire/pressure to "be more creative", to make use of all this time I have now to write more, draw more, read more, work on my instruments more, etc.

That's partially wanting to prove to myself I'm the "creative" person I think I am, not wanting to "feel bad", when circumstances change, that "I had all this time and didn't do shit with it", and feeling a genuine need to "figure out what I might be able to do for money that wouldn't involve working for a living" (It would be nice if getting fired at Weight Watchers turned out not to be a disaster, but instead, was the "kick in the ass" I needed to start doing something better, something more personally meaningful, while still, allowing me to continue eating food and living in an apartment and shit like that).

I have a hard time motivating myself to do...well, anything really, for reasons I don't need to get into at the moment (always tired, afraid of failure, etc). And that being the case, it can take me a very long time to "gear up" to take action, even if/when that action is something I ostensibly "want" to do

In short, I need big blocks of time to work myself up to doing relatively little.

It's very frustrating.

So I was concerned that Jane being here for a month would end up being a month where I didn't do anything else, at a time where I really felt a need to "do shit" (I also felt the need to carve-out "alone time", because I've been alone the vast majority of my life - While I may wish there were more people in my life, I've kind of "gotten used to" that not being the case).

But while I wouldn't say I've been a "ball of fire" during the past five weeks in terms of "doing shit" on my own, I've drawn, I've journaled, I've played my instruments (Particularly the keyboard. And even ventured into ukulele recently), and have recorded over 20 episodes of a podcast (Since I'm trying to see if that might be a "thing")

So I realized, when Jane asked if it would be easier for me to "do my thing" once she was gone, that the answer was "Maybe not" - I think there may have been an element of "getting more done with less time" with her here, that hanging with her/working on the film imposed at least some level of "discipline" when I was on my own.

It is a concern, now that she's gone. That I'll fall back into procrastination and, maybe, depression, that keeps me from "getting shit done",

So I'm doing this. And telling myself that, instead of falling into a funk because Jane's gone and "I don't know what to do with myself now", to instead redouble my efforts to motivate myself and structure my time better when it comes to my various intellectual/creative pursuits.

And enjoy the thing there is to enjoy most about my current circumstances - That I have all the time in the world to use as I see fit.

(Just realizing that I haven't written anything about the documentary...)

Initially, I was a little frustrated that we weren't getting into "documentary stuff" as quickly as I'd hoped - I haven't done anything, either as an actor or in terms of my participation in the documentary, in quite some time (Then, because I'm a hard guy to satisfy, I was frustrated that, when documentary stuff started happening, it was B-roll stuff I either wasn't involved in, or found painfully boring).

But I ended up having a really good time doing the stuff we eventually did. We shot some more "dancing scenes", a lot of voiceover stuff, and some on-camera stuff (Where I felt a little guilty for my gray-hair and beard) that had me having to think more than I've thought in quite some time, as Jane both asked questions I didn't always have ready answers to, and then let me just riff on whatever occurred to me in the moment.

The on-camera stuff was initially intended to be at, or near, the end of the film. But while that still might be the case, Jane felt like some of what we got might end up being sprinkled throughout, so it'll be interesting to see what ends up getting used where.

I did enjoy "being part of the film again", after my work on the film essentially ending back in February.

So it'll be a bit of a bummer once again to not have a "project" (It struck me a short time ago that it's very possible I won't work a single acting job this year), but again, that's where my need to keep myself engaged and motivated - to, in effect, make my own "projects" - comes into play.

But speaking of "projects". I've got some other shit that needs doing.

So till next time...



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