3:40 PM - Mon 7.13.15
Well, to start things on a happy note...
Got an email from my agent today, checking on my availability for the first episode of season six Shameless, shooting next month.
It's a relief - now I know when shooting starts, I know I'm still part of the show, and - while it's no guarantee of anything - being in the first episode makes me feel like I could end up in more episodes than last year (when I didn't appear till four episodes in).
Really, it's more than a "relief" (That I'm still on the show, and thus will continue making money from the show). I was actively happy to get the news, because I enjoy being on the show. It's nice to have a place that "feels like home" as an actor out here.
And while "Kermit" is a small role, and isn't likely to ever be more than it is, as I've said many times before, every time I read a script I'm in, they've given me something fun to say or do.
And it will always be cool to be able to say I sometimes act opposite Bill Macy.
Because it feels...awkward sometimes, to be in the position I'm in - I have a small role on a cable tv show, which means I have clearly succeeded (Certainly more than actors who do not have a small role on a cable tv show, and would like to be in my position), but I want more.
I feel guilty for "complaining"...but really, it's not "complaining" - It's just wanting a career.
And there's nothing wrong with that (The "wrongness" comes from unburdening myself to either people who "won't get it", or people who would kill to be in the position I'm in. I know I don't have a lot of people to talk to these days, but nevertheless, that's just..."unseemly").
Tues 7/14/15 (10:30 pm)
Among the many things I feel guilty about, high on the list is "not doing enough acting stuff" (And by "enough acting stuff", I mean web series, independent movies, plays, classes, and the like).
I don't really care to "unpack" the various and sundry reasons for that right now - I just brought it up to say that I've agreed to play a small part in an episode of my friend Michelle's web-series.
She asked, and I said I'd take a look at it.
So I did.
And that's often been the end of things in the past (Not that's there's been tons of offers, but it's happened over the years), cause the writing sucks, the part sucks, it would actually cost me money to do it, etc.
But I thought it was a fun little role. And while there's no money involved, it's not going to cost me money, and "fun" is good.
(I thought I wasn't going to get to do it because their potential shoot schedule encompassed a couple days where I had work conflicts. But they decided to work with me, or it just happened to work out, or something - The plan is to shoot it a week from Friday, which is typically one of my days off.)
Anyway, I'm pleased, because this is exactly what I should be doing in-and-around auditions and paying gigs.
I've had a little run of doing "things I should be doing" lately; in addition to agreeing to do this bit in my friend's web-series, I've gotten myself to the Doctor and the Dentist recently.
Of the two things, the bigger news is probably the visit to the Doctor (Actually two Doctors - I went in for a physical with my regular guy, and got a referral for a sleep specialist, who I saw last week).
I have (yet another) sleep study scheduled for next month - They aren't much fun, but I told myself I can't go on feeling as shitty as I do much of the time, and a new sleep study is where the process begins.
Hoping insurance will cover the lion's-share of everything, and my cost will be relatively minimal...but that said, one of the decisions I made about going at this problem again is that I wouldn't let the potential cost prevent me from doing what I need to do (Even with insurance, copays and deductibles can be a bite, and that's especially tough when money is such a chronic concern).
I need to deal with this. I feel like shit all the time, it's not getting better, and it's seriously impacting my life (And probably my health).
So anyway, I've "set the wheels in motion", and am feeling hopeful that - in 2015 - the technology now exists for me to get a decent night's sleep.
Was saying to my friend Howard today, I've really come to think of being "tired" as who I am, like it's part of my DNA.
So it's a fascinating proposition to me - Take that out of the picture, and what does that mean? When "tired" isn't a defining characteristic determining much of my behavior, what will "awake and aware" Jim be like?
One thing that's very hard about being me is that even when I do something good, it's never really good enough.
Yesterday, I went to the Pacific Design Center, to see a SAG Foundation screening of Southpaw.
(That's not the "something good" I'm talking about...though I do think I should be seeing more screenings.)
After the screening, and the Q&A afterward (With Jake Gyllenhaal, Rachel MacAdams, and company), I stopped by Ralphs on the way home for some groceries.
On my way into the store, I was approached by a large African American woman, who was asking people if they'd buy her some chicken.
I rarely give money to homeless people, for whatever reason, but the woman actually asking for food touched me, so I said sure, if she wanted, she could come in the store with me and I'd buy her some chicken.
I thought I'd buy her one of those small rotisserie chickens, or something like that, in the deli area but it was late, and they were all gone.
She ended up buying a package of two corn dogs, some mac & cheese, and a little snack tray of cheese and crackers.
I asked her if she wanted something to drink, and she said she'd like a beer.
And I said no, I couldn't do that. So she took a cursory look at the sodas by the registers, then passed on a beverage.
So I went through the self-pay area, bought the stuff, bagged it up, and told her to have a nice night.
Then I did my own shopping, and went home.
And I guess I felt good about what I'd done, but really, I kind of just felt weird about it (I don't recall that I've ever done it before).
And I felt actively guilty afterwards that I didn't buy the poor woman a beer. I mean, seriously - Who gives a shit? She didn't ask me to buy her a six-pack, she just wanted to have a beer with her dinner. Who was I, her AA sponsor?
I realize, just writing about this probably sounds self-aggrandizing - Like I'm looking for you to say "Oh, poor Jim, you're such a sweetheart, you feel bad because you did something nice, but it wasn't nice enough..." - but that's really not it.
I'm seeing my reaction to the situation as the sign of a serious problem - If I can't do something "good" and feel positive about it, whether that "good" is for myself or for someone else, when do I ever get to feel good about myself?
I'm not saying I deserve applause for buying this woman some food - it wasn't that big a deal - but by the same token, you wouldn't expect that action to lead to me "dressing myself down" either, which is pretty much what happened.
Well, it's gotten late, and I need to wrap this up, because I need to reboot my computer for it to do some needed updates.
(Wish I could do that with my brain...)
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