10:13 am - THU 2/21/02
\"Calgon, take me away...\"
Yesterday, while I was at work, I spent most of the day thinking about what I'd written in here earlier.

I was embarrassed by what I'd written, for some reason, but more than that, I found myself really wanting to get home and write something more POSITIVE, something that would lift me back out of the hole I felt I'd dug for myself.

(At work, in my "pocket journal", I wrote this--"I can't become tired of being positive"--which I think is a very real issue for me; I want to just BE more positive, and I become tired of having to constantly "prop myself up", battling against demons that sometimes just seem too damned POWERFUL.)

The fact that the show isn't everything I might hope really isn't that big a deal. One way or another, I'll get through (It's not as if every show I've ever done was a "home run". I'd even go as far to say it's not as if every ROLE I've ever played was a "home run"). I have to keep telling myself that the important thing, right now, is that I'm DOING something. Starting to amass credits, make connections, etc. And eventually, the really exciting projects will come.

And the notice about the ticket just made me CRAZY yesterday. But I sent the thing I was supposed to send to the DMV weeks ago out in that day's mail, and today I sent Gustavo a copy of the notice about the ticket. It's IRKSOME, but right NOW, right this MOMENT, it's really not a problem; Far as I can tell, it only becomes a problem for me if it doesn't get DEALT with, and I try to register my next vehicle at the DMV.

Sometimes, I think that's what I need to do--Just tell myself, "Okay, this is something of a BOTHER, but right NOW, it's not really a PROBLEM".

I'm doing what I can do to take care of things, so I have to trust that it'll work out.

And I have been dead on my feet lately, and I think that's mostly why I'm struggling with a major case of the blues. And again, it's BOTHERSOME, but I just have to keep telling myself, "You're not depressed because life is so terrible, because life is not appreciably any worse than when you were in a BETTER mood. You're just tired, and feeling mentally down because you're physically down".

I was thinking that my disappointment with the play connects with my thoughts about "deliverance"; I've been wanting something to come along to make me FEEL better, and putting a lot of WEIGHT on that, so when some "deliverance" comes, but DOESN'T "deliver", I was bound to feel very disappointed.

I think I need to start checking my voice mail one or two times during the day, and not every hour on the hour.

I think wanting to be "delivered" from my pain, whatever that pain is, is an understandable feeling, but I don't think it's too HELPFUL.

Instead, I want to work on just doing what I need to do, what I want to do, and just appreciating what come as it comes.

The only "deliverance" that's going to come, if there is such a thing, is the "deliverance" I'm going to create for myself, in my own mind.

previous - next