8:38 a.m. - Weds 07.20.22
"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."
I'm not going to pretend I've actually read Kierkegaard - or any serious philosophy, for that matter (Unless you count The Tao Of Pooh, which I'm guessing you don't) - but that quote encapsulates perhaps the biggest mistake I've made in living this life of mine.
I have treated life as if it were "a problem to be solved" (Or as I like to phrase it, "a game to be won"). And I've held onto that view in spite of all evidence to the contrary, the biggest "evidence to the contrary", in my mind, being death itself.
While I'm in a reflective frame of mind right now, wishing I'd been able to shift my thinking a long time ago - and perhaps given myself a chance to be a happier person - it's not hard to sympathize with myself as a kid, in circumstances where it seemed very clear that life was "a problem to be solved" (And I didn't want to "experience" the "reality" I was presented with).
But what served me as a child (I have to think it did anyway, because I made it through childhood) hasn't worked for me as an adult.
And I'm starting to think it's been downright disastrous. Time spent pondering the "problem" of life is time spent not actually living one's life.
FRI 7/22/22 (10:10 am)
(Was considering deleting the above blather...but I'm gonna leave it, because why not? I thought it was meaningful when I wrote it, after all.)
Went to my first hematologist yesterday (As I said to friends afterward, I've hit the stage where I'm starting to regularly use the sentence "Went to my first _____ (Insert name of medical specialist here) yesterday").
It was also my first visit to a "cancer center" (Bowyer Oncology). Happily, I wasn't there about a cancer diagnosis - just checking to see if it's safe for me to take Testosterone, because it can lead to an increased risk of blood clots and I've had one already - but it was still a little freaky/scary, as if I were getting a glimpse of a possible cancerous future.
(When I told Jane R. my story, she said, "Tell me about it...!", since she's actually had to live out my "freaky/scary, possible cancerous future" in the here-and-now. And her place doesn't have a fancy name like "Bowyer Oncology" either; hers is, like, "Ye Olde Cancer Shoppe" or "Cancers 'R Us", something like that.)
But while I wasn't there to deal with "The Big C", I have to admit, I am a little nervous as I write this - After my visit with The Good Doctor, I had blood drawn. And as results came in later in the day, five of my numbers were in red (For the happily uninitiated, that means they didn't fall in the "normal" parameters).
Then when I got a call from the Dr's office, while I was on the phone with Mark and Jane Z., I had a panicky moment - "Oh shit! She's seen something really worrisome and wants me to come back in right away...!" - but it was just the office calling to set the follow-up appointment two weeks from now (And rightly or wrongly, the appointment being weeks from now eased my worried mind. After all, "They wouldn't set an appointment weeks from now if I was a "dead man walking", would they?").
Still, five numbers not being where they should be seems...concerning.
But what do I know? I'm not a doctor (I haven't even officially played one on TV). As Jane R. would say - I think quoting her mother - "don't buy trouble".
Did something a couple days ago that I've been thinking about doing since I went to the Apple Store with Jane R. some weeks back...
Jane was looking to buy something, I don't remember what, and during the course of her conversation with the Apple person, they mentioned that they take old Apple devices for store credit.
And I just happened to have a couple of "old Apple devices" - the IPad Mini that I think was already a couple years old when Jane gave it to me a few years back, and the MacBook she sold me when she traded up to a big-girl, serious-business model (A MacBook that was just fine...until I was gifted with a brand-new one at the final Shameless wrap party).
So I brought them in. And after an embarrassing amount of time, first trying to remember my passwords, then changing them and still struggling to get in (With the password I'd literally just created 60 seconds before) I was given something like $325 in credit.
(And here's where the "Buyer's Remorse" kicks in...)
I had to buy an IPad of some stripe, because I was using the old one Jane gave me for my "self-tape" auditions (FaceTiming with my Reader on it while recording the audition on my IPhone).
But while a basic 10" IPad was only a few bucks more than my $325 credit, an IPad Mini was almost $500.
And after maybe 15 minutes of mentally going back-and-forth, I walked out with the more expensive Mini...but I don't really know why, when the regular IPad would have been fine for my purposes (I'd occasionally read comics on the old Mini, through the Hoopla library app, but only regularly used it to FaceTime for auditions).
While I could say "I already had a case for a Mini, and a clip for my monopod that I knew fit the Mini", that doesn't really explain anything - Those things could have been replaced and I still would have saved money - so I guess I just wanted to spend money.
Makes me wish I had the money to just get the thing I want to get without worrying about "breaking the bank" (Though "for the record"? The "bank" is fine - If anything, it's my brain that's broken).
But at this point all I know is this - Since I paid an extra $225 for something I didn't even need to buy in the first place (The old Mini was working fine for me), I sure as shit better start using this new Mini for something more than FaceTime...!
And I think that's as good a point as any to exit on.
Till next time...!