8:05 pm - Fri 4.29.2011
Can't Win 'Em All

Recording Friday Night Lights (And, for the first time ever, an episode of Kitchen Nightmares, because my friend Donald is on it). So with all this recording going on, seems a good time to "record" a little something in here...

In an aborted draft of this entry a day or two ago, I went on at length about not having many auditions, about wanting more auditions, about making peace with the fact that I probably wasn't going to get many auditions till late summer, etc.

Then late Thursday afternoon, I got a call from Brett - an audition for It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which I went out on earlier today.

Then I got a call a couple hours ago from Sharon - I have an audition for Torchwood on Monday (Which is not the kind of TV show I thought it was - It's transplanted British sci-fi, while I was confusing it with Everwood, the Treat Williams family drama which was actually cancelled a couple years ago).

This has made me think about the mental contortions I go through to "make order out of chaos" when it comes to auditions and bookings and whatnot.

And I understand why I do it - It's stressful to feel like nothing makes sense, to feel like nothing's in your control - but whatever the reason, clearly any effort to "control and predict" this shit is doomed to failure.

It's hard to "roll with it"...but to survive, "roll with it" you must.

I was actually thinking about this before now, regarding two contrasting bits of commercial fortune I've had recently.

On the thirteenth, I had a "straight-to-callback" commercial audition for State Farm, and it was just the kind of commercial I'd been looking for, and, in my mind, something right in my "sweet spot" - It had dialogue, it was funny, it involved acting, and seemed like the kind of spot that could help you career-wise, over-and-above being a payday.

But long-story-short, circumstances didn't go my way (The worst thing that happened? I was paired with an actress I had totally "clicked" with - as my "wife" - worked with her for 15 or twenty minutes, then had her pulled away from me last-second, cause they didn't have enough "husbands". And I let that, and a few other things, throw me).

That was a tough loss, and for days afterward, I found myself frustrated and angry at the unfairness of it all (And more than a little angry at myself for failing, in my mind, to successfully "work through it").

But then I thought about when JS called me with the first big money from Budweiser.

I was very excited and happy to get those checks, but it's also a weird thing to "get your head around" - You audition for things, and you mostly lose out (Whether you audition well or not), and even when you win, at this level, they aren't typically huge paydays.

Then suddenly, for a job where you were on the set for a couple hours (For a split-second of screen time), a job that has nothing to do with "acting", you've grossed $11,000 and counting.

So what's my point?

I don't know...I guess that things don't go your way, and then they do, and if you try to attach too much rhyme or reason to any of it, you'll go crazy.

I feel myself sometimes get pulled toward superstition - wanting to believe that if I do this thing each time or wear that thing each time, I'll be more likely to get auditions/book jobs - which, again, is just a way to try and "impose order", a way to put myself "in control" of what is almost completely out of my control.

All I can control in this scenario is me.

And that's a tough thing to acknowledge - how much of this depends on luck, how much of this depends on circumstances beyond your control - but I think it's a good thing to acknowledge, because it means that, since all you can control is yourself, you'd better make yourself the best "You" you can be, to do as much as you can to make things go in the direction you want them to go.

You can't win 'em all - You can't even win most of 'em -but I've gotta believe you can win enough of them.

(The time has gotten away from me, and 5:45 am comes early, so I'm going to have to cease and desist for now...)

Just got back from WW a short time ago (This is my early day - I've been up since 5:45, to work the 8,9:30, and 11 am meetings), and now I'm watching the Friday Night Lights I recorded last night.

After that, I'm going to try and catch some ZZZ's, prior to heading out to see Prince this evening!

I don't think I've seen a concert since I was a teenager...and I wouldn't be seeing this one, if the "cheap seats" weren't so darned cheap ($25).

Even with the cheap tickets, to see someone I really like, it was a tough decision; spending over $50 (With the parking) on a night out still feels like a chunk of change.

Beyond that, I think there were other mental/emotional things going on, having to do with how small my life has become over the years - because of how little money I usually have, because (till recently) parking was a major "issue" for me, and I even think because I'm single (And I have in my head that going to concerts isn't something you do by yourself).

But it's Prince, and I like Prince.

And it sure isn't going to get any cheaper to see him live than $25 (And it's less than 10 miles away).

And right now I have the money...so why the hell not?

But speaking of tonight's show, I'd actually like to be awake for it, so I'm going to wrap this up and grab some sack-time....

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